


Altered States

by Mylifeisaverage



Category: Homestuck
Genre: GamTav - Freeform, Humanstuck, M/M, PB/J
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-29
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-02-23 02:01:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 67,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2529914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mylifeisaverage/pseuds/Mylifeisaverage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vriska manipulates Tavros into going to a late-night Gwar concert at The House of Blues in Chicago. After losing her in the crowd, he comes upon a certain stoned clown tending the bar, unwittingly falling into a world he knew existed yet had never experienced.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who has two thumbs and is completely redoing this story!
> 
> *frantically raises hand*
> 
> i'll be adding **done** to the chapters that are edited!
> 
> (16-07-15)

_It’s oddly nice out today,_ thought Tavros. For late October in Chicago, it was very pleasant. Blue skies, colorful leaves, 75 degree weather, absolutely lovely. Tav loved these days. He loved to sit by the window in the living room of the apartment he rents with his girlfriend, Vriska. Well, she said it was an “open relationship,” but he liked to think he, shy, boring Tavros Nitram had a girlfriend. She was probably still asleep, she liked to sleep in on the weekends. Tav, on the other hand, liked to wake up with the sun, watch it bring everything to life, starting with the birds and ending with Vriska. It’s beautiful, and he’s always enjoyed beautiful things.

He sat in the window and watched the people walk by down below. Living on the 12th floor gives him a good view of the world, not to mention it makes him feel tall, like a giant. Everyone’s so small down below and usually, he’s the small one. He ran a hand through his hair, a little -ism of his when he’s thinking or content. This time it’s both as he daydreamed about nothing in particular. Having a mohawk works best with this -ism since it’s hard to screw up, running one’s fingers through a mohawk really only fluffs it up, which Tavros is alright with.

He was a short fellow of about 5’6 on a good day, with a darker complexion he got from his mother, she being from Queretaro and his father from New Jersey. Tav had big brown eyes that took in everything, showing how he feels and what he thinks, whether he liked it or not. Like large eyes tend to indicate, he’s a very innocent guy. He’s been spurred to rebellion only once, and this manifested in the form of a silver bull ring in his septum. He felt it tied up the symmetricality of his face. Overall, he liked how he looked, and not many people do. Though he is easily made dubious of his identity around other people, he’s one with himself when alone.

The soft skidding of the bedroom door opening along the carpet awoke him from his daydream, called his attention. Vriska and all of her messy, unkempt beauty stood in the doorway, smirking at him. His content waned a little at the rather impish look peeking through her wild mane. She knew how to make him squirm, how to make him nervous. She’s a manipulative extrovert, no doubt she had something planned. She narrowed her bright green eyes, her angular face pulling up in a tight smirk

“Morning, love.” she sang, clearly loving Tav’s attitude change. 

“It’s almost noon,” he replied, curling into himself, “but I guess this is morning for you, heh.” She sauntered over and sat herself on the couch next to him, draping her arms over his shoulders. Thick strands of long, dark, curly hair fell into her eyes, complimenting her pale skin as well as an oversized t-shirt complimented her thin frame. She grinned rather sinisterly, making Tav shiver, his cheeks started to heat up as he mentally prepared himself for whatever impossible deed she’d ask him to do this time.

“Kanaya has tickets to see Gwar tonight, Tavros.” She smiled and spoke softly.

“Yeah..?” Tav asked, though he didn’t have to, the deadly sweetness in her voice said it all.  
“Guess what,” she started, sugary venom dripping from her smile, “We’re going.” Tav held back a whine. 

_Gwar? That crazy, blood-spattered band with crazy, blood-spattered fans? I’m no good at regular concerts, what makes her think I can handle this?_ Stealing a glance in her direction answered his own question, _Oh wait, she doesn’t think I can handle it. That’s the joke._

“What time?” he asked, defeated. She smiled, a genuine one this time, she didn’t think he’d cave so fast.

“Starts at 10:30pm,” she answered, her voice low and sleepy. She sat up, standing before him briefly before climbing into his lap. Wide, nervous brown eyes looked into hers as they seemed to glow emerald green. “Better take a nap, darling,” she said, sifting her thin fingers through his hair, “it’s gonna be a _long_ night.” She grinned, pulling him into a big sexually exaggerated kiss, taking his lower lip between her teeth and giving it a good tug. When the sparks of surprised heat settled in Tav’s chest, she’d gotten up and went back to the bedroom, waving her goodbye.

_That girl’s gonna kill me, someday_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **done**

The place was packed to the rafters with people spanning from metalheads to scene kids to confused, disappointed parents. Vriska and Kanaya arrived looking, for lack of a better word, fierce. Under the lights, in the moment, Vriska looked beautifully dark. Like a Tim Burton character gone rogue, the sweet sensitivity traded in for a sassy, predatory stare, her green eyes luring people to their doom. She reminds Tavros of a spider, and this was her web. She’s a creature of the night who lived for this stuff, and he was the hopeless puppy that had to follow her around. Social gatherings aren’t his strong suit, after all. He’s shy. Kanaya looks pretty nice, too, but she’s only Vriska’s wingman. She’s the sidekick and he’s the pet. Sometimes he wishes he could, at least, be the sidekick. But as long as Vriska approved of him, he’s happy.

Tav actually really liked the opening band, though he’d forgotten their name after the third song. They’re a tribute to Dead Kennedys, though, and he was into The Dead Kennedys. The three of them, Tav, Vriska, and Kanaya, stood off to the side, near the bar. Vriska was chatting up a tough looking skinhead while Kanaya smiled and nodded next to her. With the attention turned away from him, Tavros could drift into reverie. He looked around at the venue, watched all the hubbub it housed. The House of Blues was a truly beautiful building. He silently applauded the architect, since the place was built to perfectly suit the acoustics it was meant to hold. Sound bounced off the curved walls so perfectly that the architect had to have been a music nut, too.

The crowd cheered, hooted, and hollered as the opening band took their leave and the Gwar roadies set up for the main event. Interrupting him in his appreciation of fine architecture. Tav looked around to follow Vriska to the pit, where she, undoubtedly, would want him to be. 

_Oh boy…_ he thought, _here we go._

He turned around again, detecting no sign of Vriska. Starting to get nervous, he willed his cheeks to cool down as he made another circle, scanning the crowds for a tall, goth temptress and her partner in crime. When he didn’t see her still, he started to panic. His heartbeat revved up, his breathing matching its speed as he looked around.

_God, I should’ve been paying attention! They always wander off, it’s up to me to keep up!_

Little did he know, someone has been watching him frantically search for his party. A bartender, a tall, gangly guy, watched him while filling drinks for those with pink wristbands. He frowned, deciding that the poor kid would pass out if he didn’t calm soon. He figured he couldn’t let the little guy freak out like that on his own, so he quickly finished serving the crowds, and once he found the time, murmured to his partner to cover for him for a bit, heading in the direction of a very distressed Tavros.

Reaching him quickly, he put a hand on the kid’s shoulder only to receive a full-body jerk and a surprised gasp. The young bartender pulled his hand back, now slightly surprised himself. Tavros looked up at him, with huge, defensively nervous eyes. The bartender was much taller than he, and very thin, almost unhealthily, but it didn’t seem to bother him. He had long, grossly unkempt hair that hung over a gaunt face, displaying an obviously stoned grin and a pair of dark, surprised eyes. Tav was sure his whole face has gone red by now, his nerves were getting the best of him. He’d originally hoped no one noticed him, but clearly someone did. Now nervous and abashed, he looks down at his feet, but his eyes snap back up to that face when that dopey grin started to speak.

“You look like you’re about to pass out,” he called over soundcheck, “follow me.” He smiled at Tav’s wide brown eyes, clearly uncertain of whether to follow or not. The bartender chuckled, pulling the kid to an empty spot at the bar. He didn’t have a pink band, which is good for a bartender to know. Can’t be giving out alcohol to underage kids. Once Tavros was seated, the bartender took his place behind the bar.

“Water?” the bartender asked, “Look like you’re up and ready to keel over on me.” Tavros watched as the bartender spoke, maintaining eye contact and filling drinks simultaneously. He accepted the water, catching the glass with both hands when it’s roughly slid over to his general direction. The bartender’s right after all, hyperventilating did make him want to pass out. He sipped at the water while keeping an eye out for Vriska, thinking the bartender’s probably done with him now. He was wrong again when that silly grin spoke again.

“What do they call you, motherfucker?” Tav flinched, choking on a larger mouthful of water. Wasn’t being called a “motherfucker” a bad thing? The way he smiled made it seem like he didn’t mean it in a bad way...

“Um… Tavros,” he started, taking a covert glance at the bartender’s name tag, “nice to meet you, uh… Gamzee. Thanks for helping me calm down, heh heh.” Hearing him say his name made his smile grow impossibly bigger.

“You’re the first kid to get it right on the first try, Tavbro” he said happily, Tavros quietly smiled back, a now empty cup between his hands. He squeezed it, trying to will his blush away again. _”Tavbro..? He gave me a pet name..?_ He smiled again at his new nickname. Vriska never gave him endearing nicknames, just ‘Tavros’ or maybe a ‘Tav’ on good days but that doesn’t even count anymore.

“What’s cookin’ on your think-pan, Tavbro?” Gamzee asked, noticing his new friend had gone quiet.

“Nothing, nothing.” Gamzee clearly didn’t believe that, laughing quietly and shaking his head.

“What had you so motherfucking wigged back there?” he rephrased, referring to Tav’s panic session.

“I lost my…” he trailed off, running a hand through his hair and grimacing when he realized it was wet from condensation. Gamzee waited quietly for him to finish with no intentions of interrupting him. Tavros didn’t even notice he was waiting to be interrupted. “Oh… uh…” he started again, “I lost my friends. I’m not really into this stuff, so I don’t know what to do. They were supposed to help me.” Gamzee’s smile sank into a disappointed, slightly irritated frown.

“They up and ditched you?” he asked, sighing as Tavros shrugged his shoulders. “That’s cold,” he said. “If Rock’s not callin’ you, why tag along?” He looked over to Tavros, looking rather serious for the first time in their new acquaintanceship. 

_Good question…_

The sound of screaming brought them back to where they were. The members of Gwar stood behind a sheet, their silhouettes adding to the anticipation. Tav scanned the crowd to finally locate Vriska, in the arms of that large skinhead she’d been talking to before. 

And suddenly the world stops for a second.

He focused in on Vriska, her wild hair catching the air as she screamed like a psychopath. The other guy, large enough to crush Tav’s chest with the toe of his boot, held her high so she could see the stage. Her nose wrinkled with the force of her excited hooting, she was having the time of her life. 

Tav’s heart dropped, he felt sick, didn’t even bother trying to stifle his blush. His shoulders sagged and his eyes welled up, but he just couldn’t look away. What a _failure_ he’s been all this time. Never once in all their years of being together had he seen her so happy, so alive. He didn’t even know she could get like that. 

Gamzee followed Tav’s eyes to see a pretty looking girl in the pit, on the shoulders of a huge steelpunk dude. The foggy haze cleared away when he saw the almost literal dark rain cloud that’s settled over Tav’s head. Gamzee’s already less-than-happy expression dissipated into a sad frown. Not wanting him to suffer, he gave Tavros a light pap on the shoulder to get his attention.

“Hey, Tavbro, Come here, will ya?” Gamzee looked genuinely concerned, but Tav stared straight ahead. He needed some sort of comfort, some explanation. “Come on, Tav,” Gamzee coaxed, coming out from behind the bar, “take a breather.” Futilely resisting, Tavros followed sadly behind Gamzee to a small staircase in the lobby. Up the stairs, there was a door labeled “Roof: Employee’s Only.” Gamzee took out a key, unlocked the door, and held it open for Tavros, who nodded his thanks and wandered through the door into the crisp night air. 

It’s gotten colder since the sun had set. The sun had long since run for the hills, leaving a faint speckling of stars in it’s wake. The two of them walked to the edge of the roof and sat down. Tavros sniffed, shivering involuntarily and hugging his chest. Seemingly in response, Gamzee put a long arm around Tav’s shoulders. Tavros was deep within his own thoughts, but he did realize how close Gamzee was to him. He tightened his grip, sighing a white cloud into the sky. Tavros looked up at him, eyes searching for signs of foul play, but Gamzee gave him a small smile and nothing to worry about. Gamzee knew himself to be a generally warm-blooded person. He can sit in this weather and keep he and Tavros warmish pretty well. He can tell Tavros noticed how touchy-feely he is, but as long as the kid’s not complaining, he’s not going change.

Gamzee stayed silent, stealing glances at Tavros to see if he’s okay, but mostly looking out into the city. He waited for Tav to make the first move, thinking he’d probably be more comfortable setting the topic. And staring up at him, Tav took this time to really get a look at his new acquaintance. Gamzee’s definitely thinner than he should be, maybe a foot taller than him, and a little rough around the edges. It was hard to tell for sure with thick, dark hair obscuring his view, but it seemed like Gamzee’s had been painted white and grey, like a clown. _Maybe it’s a Gwar thing…_ he thought. Even in this situation, Gamzee seemed to be smiling slightly, his eyes drooping in some sort of hazily-high reverie. 

Tavros wasn’t into drugs, or any other super illicit activities, but he had to admit, whatever Gamzee was on made him happy. Tav wished he could just be happy all the time, it simply wasn’t a part of his personality. His shoulders sagged even more, heavy with the weight of unmistakable hopelessness. Feeling his little bro’s weight settle further into him, Gamzee made a note of where he was in his daydream, and returned to more important things. Clearly he was going to have to initiate conversation anyway. 

“What’s wrong Tavbro…?” Gamzee asked slowly, not wanting to offend him. When Tavros didn’t respond right away, he rephrased his question. “Who’s that chick that’s got you so down?” Gamzee looked downward, right at him. “You can tell me, I want to help.”

“Well,” Tav took a deep breath, blowing it out slowly, “T-The girl, her name’s Vriska. She’s my… well, she did always say it was an ‘open relationship.’” He finally understood what that meant, and it weighed down on him like a ton of bricks. How could he have been so naive, thinking he could call Vriska Serket his and his alone.

“Ahh,” Gamzee mused, “So she was your girl. That’s rough, Tavbro, I’m so sorry.” Tavros couldn’t help but pick up a small note of relief. It confused him, but he buried that deep for another time.

“Yeah, I guess,” he said slowly, avoiding whatever just happened, “It looks like she doesn’t care about me as much as I care about her. I don’t see why she would’ve before, even. She’s so outgoing and confident. I’m just… me.” Tavros went quiet, staring out into the city. He thought about how many people never get to see this view, he’d have to thank Gamzee someday. 

He feels the arm around him tighten and a cheek come to rest on the top of his head, “Don’t up and say that shit about yourself Tavbro, you make a mean first impression. If some broad can’t motherfucking see that, she doesn’t deserve to share miracles with you.” Gamzee’s voice lowered to octaves Tavros couldn’t dream of getting to. He could feel his vocal cords vibrating, somehow it made his voice sound warmer and more comforting. 

“Well, there goes five years of my life I’ll never get back,” Tav sighed, looking down at the cars below. 

“How old are you, even?” Gamzee tried to seem nonchalant, even though he’d been wondering for a while.

“Nineteen.” 

“Oh, you’re just a baby,” Gamzee laughed quietly.

“Oh yeah? And how old are you?” Tavros challenged, feeling a little better.

“Twenty-two.” 

Gamzee’s smile returned, parting to let a laugh escape when Tav mumbled, “Oh shut up, Gamzee,” like they were old friends. They stayed quiet for a bit, Tav calming his slightly sad, erratic heartbeat by listening to Gamzee’s beat slow and steady.Gamzee paps Tav’s arm where his hand rests. He looks up at him with eyes that have, indeed, become slightly happier. Gamzee’s slight smile grows a bit.

“Wanna up and get out of here, Tavbro?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a little sappy towards the end. sorry for the wait. more to come ^_^
> 
> **done**

“I’m up and leaving Karkat!” Gamzee yelled over the music, if you can call ear-splitting screaming and 20 minute guitar solos music. Tav’s face had pinched up in discomfort when they returned from the roof. His hands flinched, wanting to fly up to his ears but Gamzee’s deep laughter embarrassed him so deeply that he decided to endure it instead. He stood awkwardly in the threshold between the lobby and the crowds as he waited for Gamzee to finish up with work. He disappeared behind a door labeled for employee’s only, returning in a purple t-shirt. 

_It’s 30 degrees outside,_ Tavros thought as he watched Gamzee from the doorway, how is he not cold?

“You can just leave, you asshat!” Karkat, Gamzee’s partner at the bar, yelled, “I’m fucking swamped! Who gave you permission to just walk out whenever you fucking want?!” Gamzee’s partner, apparently named Karkat, was the dictionary definition of “short man syndrome”. Even from afar, Tav could tell he was taller than him, yet Karkat’s loud voice and angry eyes made up for his lack of height. Tavros shrank a little, unused to people yelling at each other like that. He saw Gamzee smile at Karkat, giving him an understanding, almost amused look, clearly not offended at all.

“You’re my favorite, Karbro! Thanks for the miracles!” He called directly into Karkat’s ear, the only way he’d hear him. 

“Where are you even going,” he questioned, running back and forth trying to keep up with the crowds. 

“New homie needs a pick-me-up,” Gamzee replied, pointing a thumb in Tav’s direction. He looked back, seeing that Tavros had noticed his acknowledgement and was getting nervous over the thought of being talked about. Karkat saw him, sized him up with a mean glare. Gamzee could tell he didn’t like his new bro, Karkat never likes anybody. “I’ll catch you later, Karkat!” Gamzee straightened, exiting the bar and making his way back to Tavros with a smile. Karkat’s eyes burned holes in the back of his skull, but he was used to it by now. 

“If you’re leaving to fuck your shitty little boyfriend, you’re fucking fired!” 

“Love you too!” Gamzee called, waving back to his angry partner. He took wide strides, quickly closing the space between Tavros and himself. He laughed under his breath, whistling at how much raw fury was packed into Karkat’s tiny body. He looked down, dopey grin and droopy eyes back in full swing, to see Tav wasn’t smiling with him. He was actually looking pretty vulnerable. 

A foot below Gamzee’s eye level, Tavros stared at the floor, his mind going in a million different directions all at once. “Hey, Tavbro, what’s wrong motherfucker?” Gamzee asked, stopping them at the door. Tavros flinched but shook his head, not looking up. But Gamzee could see his discomfort and he wasn’t an idiot. Karkat scared the poor kid. “Tav, it’s okay, don’t get all sad,” he reassured with a smile, “Karkat’s always like that to everyone. It’s nothing personal.”

“He said you’d get fired because of me.” Tavros stared intently at his feet, obviously feeling guilty. He didn’t even mention Karkat’s ‘fucking your boyfriend’ comment, which was a whole other level of uncomfortable for him. Despite Tav’s obvious discomfort, Gamzee’s smile widened.

“Don’t worry about it, Tavbro, ain’t nothing happening to me. He’s just mad he’s up and in there alone,” Tavros shrugged, still unconvinced but he seemed to feel at least a little better to Gamzee. He turned back to the door, wandering out into the night while digging around in his pockets. “Ready?” 

Tav paused, standing in the doorway and realizing he was about to leave with some guy he literally just met. He was bigger than Tavros, not easily fought off or ran from. It could be dangerous! What if Vriska’s looking for him? 

_Vriska…_

“Let’s go.”

* * *

Tavros instinctively held onto Gamzee’s arm, like a shy child, “W-Where are we going, exactly..?” The two of them wove in and out between cars in a vast parking garage. It was cold and dark, only a few glaring fluorescent lights dotted the ceiling but they offered little light. Gamzee looked ahead, scanning for what Tavros assumed to be his car, smiling to himself.

“Wherever you wanna go, Tavbro.” Gamzee’s grin widened to almost Cheshire Cat-like extents. Tav shivered, briefly panicking. Was this safe? Who’s to say Gamzee’s not a derranged psychopath plotting to kill him and wear his skin like a coat? Or maybe he was just overreacting… Despite his inner turmoil, he clung tighter to Gamzee’s arm, liking the safety he felt. Gamzee had a certain vibe he gave off, like everything’s going to be alright, and seeing Tav’s unease, Gamzee chimed in, “Or I could take you home, Tavbro.”

“No no,” Tav said, throwing caution to the wind for once, “I’m sorry, Gamzee. I’m just uh… a little uh… frazzled.” Gamzee stopped and turn to face Tavros, still smiling even though his mood had changed to be more serious. 

“Hey, Tavbro,” he started, bending his knees to meet Tav’s eyes, “I don’t wanna make you all motherfucking uncomfortable and shit, y’know? Not trying to make you do anything you up and don’t wanna do.” Tavros never noticed how warm Gamzee’s eyes her until now. Even though they were dark, black even, there was nothing profoundly evil about them. They were sincere. 

“I g-guess, we could go to my house,” Tav suggested quietly, shrinking under the constant, unwavering eye contact. Gamzee nodded, deciding he was just going to take him home and head back to work. Tavros saw Gamzee move to continue walking and quickly added, “B-But you could, like… come in. If you want. It’s quiet…” in a small voice. He was determined to be brave this time. This was his chance to beat Vriska, right? He can be outgoing, too. Gamzee’s grin returned full blast. He stood to full height and guided Tavros into a corner of the parking garage. 

Tavros is strictly a bike/train rider. He’d rather spend what little money he had on more important things than a car. Gamzee clearly isn’t one of these people. The two of them approached a rather expensive looking sports-type car. It was black, built to resemble a vintage 20s limousine, though it seems to be brand-spanking new, or at least very well taken care of. Even to an anti-car person, it was a sweet ride. Gamzee had unlocked it without Tavros noticing, Tav being too busy wondering where a bartender could’ve gotten a car like this. 

Gamzee turned to see a very star-struck look on Tav’s face. The awe in those big brown eyes made the taller laugh out loud, large grin never faltering. The sudden laughter made Tavros jump and come back to reality. Now thoroughly embarrassed, his cheeks turn bright red and his gaze fixated on the ground. 

“Yo, are you motherfucking coming, Tavbro?” Gamzee called from the driver’s side, endeared by how easily impressed Tavros seemed to be.

“W-Where did you get a car like this?” Tav asked as he came closer. He suddenly felt very… middle class. 

_I’m not on this guy’s level,_ Tav thought, _he’s doing community service, being nice to me. Probably working off a speeding ticket or something…_ His shoulders slumped again, his personal rain cloud starting to gather overhead. Gamzee noticed Tav’s self esteem worsen. He took a few large strides towards the smaller and put his hands on either side of his face. 

“Hey, motherfucker…” he said, seeing Tav’s cheeks, neck, and ears have turned red, “What’s wrong? That girl still on your mind? Gotta stop thinkin’ about them anti-miracles, Tavbro.”

“T-That’s not it,” Tav started to wring his hands. His eyes blew wide as he gasped at the sudden contact. Gamzee looked into him, willing his happy vibes to cheer him up. “Gamzee, why are you helping me?” Gamzee was taken aback. Tav’s big, brown eyes stared right into his soul, seeing all. 

“You shouldn’t bother with me, I-I can walk home, it’s okay.” Tav sighed. Gamzee watched confusedly as he pulled away halfheartedly, he didn’t want to be a charity case but he wasn’t ready to leave the comfort of being warm in someone else’s arms. Gamzee tightens his grip, not letting him go so easily.

“Tavros, don’t be like that,” this caught Tav’s attention, being the first time the other used his full name. The seriousness of his voice sent shivers down Tav’s spine. “I know we just met, but I’m not ready to let you go,” Gamzee’s thumb took a reassuring swipe at Tav’s cheek, “At least let me take you home, it’s getting cold, y’know.” That smile was too contagious, and Tav found himself shyly smiling back. Tavros nodded, a verbal response being unnecessary. Gamzee lead him to the other side of the car and opened the door. Once Tav was situated in the passenger seat, he rounded about to the driver’s side.

“Ready to go, Tavbro?” Gamzee asked, digging the rhythm the words created. 

“Away we go, uh… Gam- ...bro?” Tav replied less than confidently, but after seeing how happy adding to their little rap had made his new friend, his self esteem improved. Thoroughly content, Gamzee started the car and pulled out into the city night.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!!!!! 
> 
> so im completely changing this story! 'shy but willing' is dead and will rise anew as 'altered states'!!!! if you're new here, hello ^_^ if you're old, then please please start from the beginning! its mostly the same, but with a few important differences!! thank you so much!

Chicago’s nightlife was in full swing, alive with happy shenanigans. Some were running to work, some wandered the streets alone, some played their instruments on the sidewalk, and more still headed quickly to wherever the fun was. People of all shapes and sizes, of all walks of life, busily headed in their own directions. Gamzee and Tavros coasted down busy streets listening to each other’s life stories, Gamzee looking ahead like a responsible driver, and Tav fixated on the colorful lights as they whizzed by.

“The father figure’s a socialite ‘round these parts.” Gamzee explains, “He’s a little uppity, and since it was just me and my brother growin’ up with him, I guess that makes me one pampered motherfucker.” 

“You don’t seem like that…” Tavros interjected, still staring out the window at the skyscrapers, “You seem pretty normal to me, Gamzee.” Gamzee smiled, glad his family’s social status didn’t seem to change Tav’s opinion of him. 

“I try to live like everyone else, so I can have the same miracles. Ain’t nothin’ miraculous when you get what you want when you want it, Tavbro. So I up and do my own thing.” Tavros smiled into the glass, happy for Gamzee’s pride in his independance. He pressed his face into the window as they approached the lake, watching the waves as they lapped at the beach. “Pops doesn’t love it, but that asshat can go fuck himself.” Gamzee’s smile doesn’t falter, but his gaze fixed to the road ahead, and his grip on the steering wheel tightened. Tav’s eyebrows raised in a silent, covert ‘yikes’.

_He must not get along with his dad. Wonder if his brother does..? Ah, it’s none of my business anyway._

“I was raised by a single mother, just her and me.” Tav said quietly, easing Gamzee’s discomfort with a subject change. He and his mother struggled financially. If Tavros didn’t work two jobs and apply for financial aid, he wouldn’t have been able to go to university. This made him a very thankful person. Even the smallest of niceties were appreciated, and even if he didn’t explicitly express this, his face couldn’t hide his gratefulness. 

“She’s a tough one isn’t she, Tav.” Gamzee said dreamily, slightly saddened by his lacking in the mother department. He imagined what it would be like to grow up like that, with the love and support from your mom and little else. 

“Yeah she was… I miss her sometimes. She was always happy, even if times are hard. You would’ve liked her, Gamzee, she liked miracles too.”

Gamzee’s whole body perked up, excitedly content once more, then dropped into a slightly confused sadness.

“Was..?” Gamzee asked hesitantly. Tav sighed, breathing heavily and fogging the window. 

“Oh,” Tavros almost whispered, looking blankly out the window, “She died about a year ago… You don’t have to feel sorry for me, though, it’s okay.” 

“How?” 

_Wait what?_ Tavros sat up, turning to face Gamzee, though he never took his eyes off the road ahead. No one ever asked how his mother died. They just gave their half hearted ‘sorry for your losses’ and changed the subject. They never cared enough to ask.

“She worked too hard,” he replied, “One day she punched in after her eleventh night with no sleep. She passed out and never woke up.” The air in the car had gotten so thick with expanding tension, Tavros could’ve cut it with a knife. They slowed to stop at a red light and finally, Gamzee turned to face him. 

“She loves you, Tavros. You were her best miracle,” Gamzee said, absolutely serious. Tavros floundered, not expecting Gamzee to say that. 

_He said my name again…_

“Thanks, Gamzee. That uh… means a lot to me,” was all he could say, lacking any intelligent responses. Gamzee smiled a different kind of smile, one with complete clarity of mind that Tav hadn’t seen yet. 

“Where do you post up again, Tav?” Gamzee asked, changing the subject. Now that he thought about it, they’ve really been driving in big circles with no real destination. 

“Oh, just head to Boys Town. I’m on Belmont.” Tav replied, feeling a little stupid for not saying anything about where they were going. Gamzee laughed under his breath, unsuccessfully tried to hide how amusing that was. “W-What’s so funny?” Tavros asked.

“You and your girl live in _Boys Town_?” He smiled, Tav’s face turned red as he realized why that was so funny.

“Oh no wait, it’s not what you think! Uh… I uh…” Tav struggled to explain, even though he didn't know exactly what he was trying to explain. Gamzee put a hand on his shoulder, successfully silencing him.

“Don’t worry about it, kid, I live in Boys Town too. Ain’t nothing wrong with a ‘hood full of twinks. I bet you and your girl work at the Alley, seeing as you live on Belmont.” He smiled at his embarrassed passenger. Tav’s blush darkened to an angry red, but he meekly smiled back.

“Actually, Vriska does. She’s a tattoo artist,” Tav said, “I work at the comic book store down the street.”

“Ahh, I see, you’re a comic book nerd.” Gamzee teased, making Tav’s blush crawl down his neck and up his ears.

“Oh yeah?” Tavros teased back, gaining confidence, “what kind of nerd are you?” Gamzee smirked, accepting the challenge.

“I’m a miracle nerd, Tabro.” using jazz hands for emphasis, “all into them MiRaClEs,” he practically sang, making Tavros giggle. Gamzee's dopey grin grew impossibly wider.

“What does that even mean?” Tav asked curiously, another laugh shook his vocal chords, “I like miracles, too.” Gamzee smiled, happy Tavros wants to be involved as he pulled up outside an apartment complex. 

“Really wanna know, Tav?” Gamzee prodded, hoping he’s still invited in. 

“Um... yeah... Yes. As long as it doesn’t hurt or anything…” Tav said quietly, nervously running his fingers through his hair. Even in the darkness of the car, Gamzee could see the uncertainty in Tav’s eyes as they slid down to his shoes.

“I’ve got some miracles for you,” Gamzee reassured, “And don’t worry, miracles don’t hurt. And even if they did, I’m not gonna up and hurt ya, Tav.” Tavros perked up, a happily curious smile on his face.

“Okay,” he said, awkwardly untangling himself from the seat belt, “Do you still want to come in?”

“Is that okay?” Gamzee asked, already out of the car. Before Tavros knew it, his door opened with Gamzee on the other side, bent in half to match his height. Tavros blushed and pointed up at a window on the twelfth floor. 

“That’s my window,” he said. Gamzee struggled to fight the haze and follow the direction Tavros was pointing to. He edged in closer to Tav’s face, trying to see what he sees. Tavros saw the diminishing space between them and blushed harder, though Gamzee clearly didn’t notice. 

“Uh.. Gamzee?”

“Yeah motherfucker?” Gamzee mused in a dazed tone. The clouds parted suddenly, and he realized that he’s probably making the poor kid uncomfortable. He straightened abruptly, shaking his head and shoulders a bit to fend off the haze and keep some clarity. Regaining his wits, he smiled at Tavros, silently apologizing for his awkwardness. Tavros nodded, fully understanding what it’s like to be awkward.   
He got out of the car, feeling the wind bite his cheeks and quickly headed for the door. Though they didn’t park far at all, Tavros had to hug his arms tightly around his chest to keep some warmth. Gamzee followed, taking his time with his hands in his pockets. 

_it’s freezing out!_ he thought, _how is he not cold?_

“That’s the power of good vibes, Tavbro,” Gamzee said, seemingly reading Tav’s mind, “Cold’s got no affect on me.” Tavros holds the door for Gamzee, who’s silly grin gave his thanks, and the two of them make their way to the elevator.


	5. Chapter 5

“Uh, my house is a disaster… sorry in advance.” Tav apologized, giving the 12th floor button a tap and watching the elevator doors close. 

“Don’t up and worry about it, motherfucker. Haven’t seen my floors in months.” Gamzee hummed, his eyes closed, lost in thought. Thinking it was safe, Tavros looked up at Gamzee, taking advantage of the light. It had been hard to tell in the different lighting situations they’ve been in, but now Tavros could tell Gamzee’s face was painted white and grey like a clown. Even his hands were painted grey, making it seem like his whole body was grey. 

_Maybe it’s a Gwar thing?_ he thought, gazing up at Gamzee’s face, slightly obscured by a tangly mess of hair. Little did he know, Gamzee was fully aware of Tavros looking him up and down.

“See something you like?” Gamzee smirked, toying with his new friends shyness just a bit. Tav’s eyes widened, darting quickly to the floor. Gamzee chuckled and ran a hand through Tav’s mohawk, fluffing it up. Tavros sighed quietly at the hand in his hair, turning redder still. “You’re such a little shota,” Gamzee mumbled to the ceiling.

“What?”

“Nothing.” The elevator doors opened, revealing a long corridor. “Show me the way,” Gamzee announced with a wide, dramatic gesture into the hallway. Still embarrassed, Tavros stepped into the hallway and lead Gamzee to a door at the far left corner of the corridor. He opened the door, walked into the house, and slumped into his chair by the window before noticing that Gamzee wasn’t following. He was spaced out in the hallway.

“Uh… Gamzee?” Tav asked from his perch. Gamzee looked over at him with that happy grin Tavros had come to find very comforting. Lumbering into the apartment, Gamzee spotted a couch closeby. He plopped down rather lazily, stretching like a cat and looking around the room to see Tavros curled up in a large chair across the room. He smiled, loving how small Tavros looked in comparison; it’s definitely _his_ chair. It couldn’t suit anyone better.

“Nice place you got here, motherfucker.” Gamzee said sleepily, sinking into the warm comfort of the couch. “A brother could be happy in this couch.” His eyes slipped shut again. 

Tavros watched Gamzee, stretched out on the couch as though he’d lived there his whole life. And as surprisingly comfortable he was around him, he still didn’t know much about the bartender that saved him from that painful Gwar concert. He wanted to get to know him. What did he like? What was he into? What made him decide to become a bartender? What’s with the body paint?

“Uh Gamzee..?” Tavros called to him. Gamzee opened his eyes halfway, tracing along the floor and up to meet Tav’s gaze, still smiling. With his attention, Tavros picked one of the many questions buzzing around in his mind and asked, “How do you stay so… uh, peaceful?” Gamzee’s deep relaxation gave way to excitement, the same type a puppy might feel when it shows you your own shoe. 

“Let’s play a game, Tavbro,” he suggested, rolling up into a sitting position, then pulls something out of his pocket. Tavros, now fully intrigued, stepped out of his chair, padding over and joining him on the couch. He leaned forward to see what Gamzee was doing, eyes lit up with childlike interest.

Gamzee took out what looked like a cigarette without the filter at the end and passed to Tavros before digging around in his pockets for another. He held it away from his face like it was a foreign object, examining it from afar, then up close. It’s contents were greener than any cigarettes he’s seen, but he wasn’t an expert. 

_Vriska’s going to be furious when she finds out we’re doing this. She hates cigarettes._

He promptly ignored his own logic. 

“I don’t uh… I don’t know how to do this…” Tav hesitated, watching Gamzee light his own with little effort. Gamzee huffed, trading his pre-lit joint for Tav’s and saving the smaller from the trouble of learning. Gamzee took his puffs slowly, slipping back into the couch with a sigh. Tavros tried doing the same thing, but a lungful of smoke had him coughing like an idiot. The smoke irritated his eyes, quickly turning them red as he coughed. His nose began to run, and his cheeks blushed up in embarrassment. Gamzee grinned lazily, turning Tav’s chin towards him with the tips of his fingers. Tavros briefly noticed how slow he was moving, but couldn’t think of anything but their close proximity. 

_His eyes are so dark,_ Tav thought to himself, staring into them in silence, _I can’t even see his pupils. Or maybe they are his pupils, just blown out by whatever this is…_

After an oddly pleasant silence, consisting of Gamzee pulling him closer and staring at his new friend, he finally gave Tavros a direction to go in. “Not supposed to inhale unless you’re motherfucking used to it, Tavbro.” Gamzee directed, his voice taking on that primitive, just-rolled-out-of-bed tone. He took his own ‘cigarette’ out of his mouth, holding it up to watch as Tav’s lips parted and drew it in. Having the intuition to suck a ball of smoke into his mouth helped, but just as his lungs began to strain, Gamzee pressed an index finger to his lips, “just motherfuckin’ keep it in your mouth for a bit, y’know?” Tavros nodded slowly, already feeling his eyes begin to droop. “Hold it.” His chest was starting to ache. “Hold it… hold it, just a bit longer.” The whites of Tav’s eyes stained themselves pink, watering just a bit until Gamzee gave him the go-ahead, letting him exhale a rather skunky cloud of white smoke. 

“God, that smells awful,” he complained halfheartedly, his voice lowered to drowsy depths. Gamzee laughed quietly, having leaned back far enough to rest his head against the wall. 

“There’s always a price to pay,” he mused, taking another long drag for himself, “how’s that treatin’ ya?”

“I feel… light.” Tav replied, getting the hang of smoking pot on his couch with some guy he barely knows. He quickly found he was good enough so it seemed like he’d been doing this his whole life. The simplicity of it all was vaguely concerning, but required way too much thought to dwell upon this very second. The conversation fell silent for a while as they watched thick plumes of white fog fade away before them. Gamzee’s head lolled to the side, his wild locks falling into his eyes. Out of nowhere, two long arms reach over and grab Tavros by the hips, hoisting him upward. He landed heavily in Gamzee’s lap with a small gasp. 

“You’re right, you are pretty light,” Gamzee confirmed. He squeezed at Tav’s waist with both hands, easily closing around it. “Just look at this small ass belly, dude. Your girl doesn’t feed ya?” Normally, Tavros would’ve blushed, averted his eyes, tried to wiggle away, but now was different. After the first few drags, his heartbeat had sped up, but still he felt so calm. All the built up tension he didn’t know he had bled free as he readjusted to straddle Gamzee’s lap, staring down at him as if his shyness never existed. 

“What’re we smoking?” What an obvious question, but he wanted to be sure. 

“Ancient Chinese Secret,” a simple way of saying, _Don’t worry about it_

“I like it.” 

“Ain’t nothin’ like it in the world, brother.”

“I like it a lot,” Tavros repeated, realizing the potential threat that this would be a one time thing. Staring at the grey and white lines on Gamzee’s face, he readjusted in his lap, holding on to such calmness only making him antsy.

“Don’t worry yourself, kid, I gotcha covered,” Gamzee said with a smile, relaxing Tav with the reassurance that not only would they meet again, he’d also be given a chance at this other-worldly clarity and calmness.

For the first time in what Tavros felt was a long time, he _saw_. He saw things as they really were, in all their textures and levels of existence. This couch was _red_. The light that shined from an old couchside lamp danced through the air, catching the remains of dying tendrils of smoke. Gamzee’s eyes _weren’t_ black, they were _blue _. He could see the smallest sliver of cold, crystalline blue holding tightly to his pupils, blown out wide with relaxation. They sat still, vast an unwavering, allowing him to at least attempt to peer into their depth, to see what lied below.__

“What are you thinking about, Gamzee?” Tav asked, too sure for second guesses. 

“You.” he answered simply, sitting up to meet Tav’s eye level. His paint was chipping, rubbing off as he moved and smiled wider, as his eyes drooped further and created deep lines in his face. Tavros absentmindedly raised a hand to his lips, giving a hard lick to the pad of his thumb. He smeared away the face paint at the very top of Gamzee’s cheekbone, leaving a trail of saliva. 

“What about me?” Tav asked, his voice slowing even more. _How is his skin still tan? Or was I assuming he was white this whole time? What nationalities have blue eyes, dark hair, and olive skin…_

“I don’t motherfucking know, dude,” Gamzee laughed, a little taken aback by Tav’s bravery. “I’m just happy I all up and met you.” Maybe he’d be brave in return. His right hand peeled away, tracing up Tav’s side to rub the back of his neck, starting to run his fingers through his hair, figuring he’d found a good spot to pet him. He smiled at the happy sounds Tavros was making. The apartment was silent apart from Tav’s contented purring. Gamzee’s unkempt nails scraped through his hair mindlessly. Who knows how long they stayed like this. Even after the characteristic hunger set in, they sat in a tangly mess of limbs and quieted laughter. 

Eventually, Gamzee’s arm grew tired from rubbing through Tav’s hair, so he reluctantly withdrew it, shaking the blood back into his fingers. He heard Tavros whine loudly, the weed washing his shyness away, replacing it with the need for attention. 

“Why did you stop?” Tavros pouted. He clung to Gamzee’s shoulders, looking down with his attempt at angry eyes. For some unknown reason, Tav’s pouting was utterly hilarious. With his eyes creasing at the edges, Gamzee laughed low in his chest, amused with Tav’s childish upset. And though he expected to get offended, Gamzee’s laughter drew light giggles from Tav’s chest. 

“Tavbro, you’re one hilarious motherfucker.” 

“Pfft, hardly. _Starving_ is what I really am.” 

Suddenly, Gamzee’s pocket vibrated. He pulled out a cell phone and glanced down at the screen. 

**Kurloz:** GeT yOuR aSs DoWn HeRe. iM oUtSiDe. 

Instant mood souring, grimacing, panic. 

Gamzee turned his phone away from Tav’s wandering eyes, not wanting to make something out of what could be nothing. But Kurloz is never nothing. 

**Gamzee:** I’m MoThErFuCkIn’ OuT, bRoThEr. FuCk OfF. 

**Kurloz:** TrAcEd YoUr GpS. hUrRy ThE fUcK uP. 

Gamzee’s eyes widened as more panic absolutely slaughtered his high. Any source of happiness was long forgotten as he moved Tavros off of his lap to search out the window for signs of Kurloz. And there he was; right outside the window stood a carbon copy of Gamzee, smoking a cigarette and checking the time on his phone. Gamzee turned to Tavros, whose wide eyes looked very concerned. He cursed silently, running a hand through his own hair, trying to see a solution through the fog in his mind. 

“Gamzee, w-what’s wrong?” Tav stuttered, seeing Gamzee so distressed made his heart race even faster, clarity morphing into paranoia. He sat on his knees deep in the couch, looking up with wet, worried eyes. 

Gamzee scooped him up into a tight, reassuring hug, petting Tav’s hair to calm him down. “Hey, hey, cool it down, kid. No need for all that worryin’. Everything’s fine. I just gotta up and hit the road, Tavbro.” Tav, now nose to sternum in Gamzee’s chest, could feel his heart racing. Was that the weed, or something else? 

Gamzee clearly did not want to leave. He squeezed Tavros to him, savoring how small he felt in his arms, feeling horrible for having to leave him without much explanation. His phone vibrated again, spurring him to move faster before Kurloz tried to find the exact apartment he was in. The last thing he wanted was his family knowing where Tavros lived. He had enough to worry about. 

“Are you going to be okay?” Tav whispered, pressing his cheek into Gamzee’s belly as he spoke. 

“Yeah, of course,” Gamzee replied, smiling to himself. He grudgingly made for the door, Tavros following close behind. 

“You’ll come back soon, right?” 

Gamzee stopped just outside the door, “you won’t even miss me.” And then, he was gone. Tavros made a beeline for the window, watching as Gamzee stole away into the night, accompanied by some guy he’s never seen before. 

Suddenly, he saw two more figures intercept Gamzee and his accomplice, Vriska and that guy she’d met. 

_She. Is. Going. To. **Kill.** Me!!!_ he silently screamed. 

He watched the two groups passed each other, Vriska never noticed that she was being watched as she hung off her newest toy. Her hair was strung up in a messy ponytail, barely keeping it from falling into her tired eyes. The guy she was with was so smug, even foxes couldn’t match him. Tavros wrinkled his nose, the fear of being caught smoking weed in his own house falling away to make room for disgust. 

_It wasn’t enough to abandon me for some guy, now I have to listen to them all night. Great._

He turned into the house, away from the window. As he walked to his room, he imagined Gamzee hopping in his car with some guy, without so much as a phone number or even a last name. Leaving Tavros to fight to keep his memories of the bartender that saved him from that awful concert. He crawled into bed fully clothed as he buried himself in his covers, deciding he’d better be asleep when Vriska discovers the unmistakable fog in their apartment. There’s only one problem. 

_God, I’m hungry._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tell me what you think!!!

Tavros trudged to his door after a long, boring day, fumbling with his keys when he heard voices coming from his apartment. It sounded like Vriska “entertaining” one of her many suitors. Out of curiosity, Tav drew closer to the door, trying to make out what she was saying when an unknown force jolted the door. Tavros jumped backward. Afraid something happened, he reached for the door. As he brought his keys up to the lock, without making any sound yet, he heard the unmistakable sounds of meeting lips and wandering hands. Understanding just what kind of situation this was, he returned his keys to his pocket, turned on his heels, and trudged back to the elevator, feeling hurt.

The night he’d met Gamzee was also the night he’d lost Vriska. She came stumbling in after Gamzee had left him confused and unexpectedly heartbroken (and high as a pink and purple kite), saying she was through being in charge all the time. She was tired of Tav’s need for approval and direction, and it was time for their “open relationship” to end. 

And then she noticed the clouds of skunky smoke that fogged the livingroom. 

She’s been chewing him out for weeks. 

Tavros, only wanting her to be happy, even at his expense, agreed that they would become “roommates”. He guessed she’d only wanted to stay to torment him further. It was her favorite thing to do, after all. Most of the time Tavros coped, figuring he’d rather be miserable with her, than miserable with no one at all, but tonight he couldn’t sit and watch as other guys did for her what he knew he couldn’t. So, he made his way to SeaGoat’s, the only bar in town that doesn’t ask for I.D.

Now, Tavros was not a drinker, nor could he ever hope to be. It took a lot for him to get this depressed and those days are few and far between. Despite these facts, he found himself walking slowly with his head down. Passing a dirty-looking hippy, closed in on the front door of the bar. Looking through the storefront window, he could see a few floaters as well as a few obviously suburban dads sitting around and complaining about their lives. As much as he didn’t want to be one of those, Tavros approached the door, pulling it open, and taking a seat at the far end of the bar.

“What can I get for you, asshole.” asked a grumpy, familiar voice. Tav looked up to see an angry-looking guy glaring at him from behind the bar. The space between his eyebrows was creased deep in a permanent frown. Despite his employment here, he didn’t seem to be a day over eighteen. He was ordinary with brown eyes that matched a mop of brown hair. It didn’t take long for Tavros to realize who this was.

“You’re uh… Karkat… right?” he asked timidly, unnerved by his mean disposition.

“Yeah, who the fuck are you? And what the fuck do you want?” His eyes narrowed as he leaned across the bar, trying to look menacing but in turn making himself look even smaller than he already was. 

“Oh,” Tav remembered where he was, “Uh, Stella I guess.”

“Stella’s for pussies,” Karkat snapped, “how the fuck do you know me.” Tavros began to blush, as he always does when he’s uncomfortable. His hands held each other for comfort in his lap.

“You, uh… bartend at the House of Blues, right? I’ve met you before… briefly.” Karkat’s glare didn’t let up, Tavros swallowed and wrung his hands. Realization flashed through Karkat’s eyes, but he chose not to go into it. Tavros didn’t seem to be worth his time.

“Well that’s fucking dandy,” he said flatly, rolling his eyes. “I don’t serve lame drinks.” And with that, he turned to face the opposite direction, cleaning a shot glass and taking other orders. Realizing he wasn’t going to be served purely because the bartender didn’t like him, Tavros called out without thinking. 

“Hey! Wait--” With a rough slam, Karkat returned the cleaned shot glass to the counter, whipping around to interrupt.

“Don’t you ‘hey’ me!” he spat. He swiped another glass to clean, turning his nose up, “This isn’t a brothel, I’m not your bitch.” He scoffed, glaring at the few others at the bar who were more than a little intrigued. 

“W-What? I never--” Tavros floundered, his blush spreading to his ears as goosebumps began to prickle the hair at the nape of his neck. Karkat shot him another disgusted glare at how flustered he was getting. How could someone so childish even walk into a bar? Never mind one as famous as this one. 

“Aren’t you a little young to sit at the big kid’s table?” Karkat mocked, baring his teeth at the bright red blush on Tav’s face. The men at the other end of the bar snickered, adding to Tav’s profound embarrassment. The worse Tavros seemed to feel the more brutal Karkat’s teasing got. “There’s a McDonald’s across the street if you’re lost. We don’t sell happy meals and apple juice.” A roar of drunken laughter had poor Tavros willing tears from his eyes. He sniffed, getting angrier than he thought he was capable of in no time flat.

“How old are _you_?” Tavros shot back, tired of being pushed around for nothing. Karkat, having rudely turned away from him yet again, froze with his back to him. “Are you even old enough to work in corporate America?” Tav went on, crossing his arms like a child having a temper tantrum. Little did he know, Karkat’s cleaning of a second shot glass grew in fervor, his hold on it tightening. “You have to be twenty-one to work at a bar. You have to be sixteen to work at all--” Tavros jumped at the sudden sound of Karkat squeezing the glass so hard it exploded, sending blood-speckled shards of glass every which way.

The bar went silent. 

Karkat turned slowly to face Tavros, a fire in his lungs that burned in his eyes. He took slow, deliberate steps in Tav’s direction, squeezing his injured hand into a fist. Any misguided confidence drained away with the color in Tav’s face.“Wise-Ass Vapid Douchefuck,” he growled low in his throat, hissing words through his teeth. No one noticed the front door open and close soundlessly. 

“I-- I’m--” Tavros stuttered.

“You Vomit-Inducing Insufferable Nimshit,” everyone in the bar could practically see the smoke, taste the fire as it blazed it’s fury inside such a small person. A bloodied hand shot out to rip Tavros to him by the collar of his shirt. Huffing straight into his face he growled, “I’ve worked too hard for this job for fuckers like you to question me.”

“I’m so--”

“Shut up.” The air around them started to thicken and smell like brimstone and Tavros wondered for a moment if Karkat really was on fire. “For your information, I’m twenty-three. I’m legally allowed to be here, and that’s more than I can say for you. Don’t think I don’t remember your face. You’re that confused little shit having a panic attack at a Gwar concert. Don’t talk down to me. Or it’ll be your blood staining the pavement.” Tavros braced for impact, 100% sure Karkat was going to kick his ass in front of all these people when a heavy hand plopped down on his shoulder.

“Alright, Karbro, calm your tits. Kid’s about to shit himself,” a low voice barely laughed, clearly amused by the drama unfolding. Tavros trembled, wide brown eyes trained on Karkat and never moving, though Karkat looked up to see who was butting in. His lip curled back, annoyed with who it turned out to be. He released Tav’s collar in a huff, leaving a stained handprint around the throat of it. 

“Looks like today’s your lucky day,” he grumbled, “don’t let me catch you in the fucking streets.” He turned to storm away, most likely to the bathroom to fix his hand, when the voice behind Tavros spoke again.

“Wait up just a minute, Karbro. I think you’re up and forgetting something.”

“Doubt it.”

“Tav, is there anything you wanna say?”

_Tav..? This person knows my name? I swear I’ve heard this voice before._

Tav’s eyes drifted over to the hand still clamped down on his shoulder. Long thin fingers dug lightly into the dip of his collarbone. But what was curious was his skin. Though predominantly tanned by the sun, big blotches colored his hand white. His index and middle fingers were almost completely white, like he’d dipped them in paint, while the rest of his hand was merely spotted with it. Wide brown eyes trailed upward following up to see the face of who had saved him. 

“Gamzee..?” A wide, toothy grin was framed in a few large white splotches, as well as two droopy eyes, looking like a tan&white version of his clown facepaint for the most part. And boy did he look happy to see Tav again. Karkat huffed loud enough to get their attention, raising an eyebrow and looking for an apology. “Oh, um, I-I’m sorry Karkat,” Tav apologized for snapping at him. 

“Beautiful,” Gamzee approved, seemingly unaware of the fact that the whole bar was still watching them, “now you try.”

“Nope,” Karkat dismissed, “Can I go now? I’m biohazardous.” Gamzee saw the blood and got the joke, but frowned when his best friend refused to make nice. 

“Karkat, you heard how motherfucking sweet that was. Let’s kiss and make up.”

“I’m not going to.” Karkat stood resolute, glaring straight through Tavros like he was the bane of his existence and Gamzee was not having it. A floater at the other end of the bar snickered, oohing in their general direction. The hand on Tav’s shoulder tightened.

“Yo motherfucker, mind your own!” he silenced the room. The stragglers at the end of the bar reluctantly resumed their idle chatter and the bar came back to life, “Karkat, Tav, let’s go.” Tavros and Karkat stole glances at each other, then followed Gamzee to a back room. Gamzee stood in front of the door, preventing Karkat from escaping. 

“You couldn’t bone your shitty boyfriend somewhere else, Gamzee. You had to bring him here.” he glared at Tav, whose blush had set his face ablaze. Tavros shrank, backing up into a far corner of the cramped backroom in a futile attempt to escape Karkat’s fury. Suddenly, Gamzee seemed a lot bigger than both Tav and Karkat, looming over them with a sour frown on his face.

“Apologize.”

“No.”

The room grew cold as Gamzee’s face soured even further. Karkat stubbornly crossed his arms, refusing even as Gamzee grew even more menacing. “Say you’re sorry or find somewhere else to brood in. Can’t be fuckin’ shit up in my brother’s bar anymore.” The prospect of getting fired shocked Karkat, even alarmed Tavros. Did he just get Karkat fired for next to no reason? He did start it, after all, it wasn’t Karkat’s fault.

“What!?” Karkat he cried, absolutely furious. Gamzee waited patiently. A stunned silence later, Karkat crossed his arms, growling out curses before submitting for the sake of his job, “I’m sorry.” 

“You heard it here, folks. Karkat Vantas said he was sorry!” Gamzee proclaimed to the small backroom. “See that wasn’t too bad, was it?” he asked Karkat, finding his fuming very endearing. “Get back to work, lil’ homie,” he excused with an accidentally condescending pat of the head. 

“I’m the oldest one here, dumbass,” Karkat groaned, pushing past to exit the small room.

“Pfft, what a downer,” Gamzee mused, laughing to himself as he watched Karkat leave. He ran a tension-easing hand through his hair, or at least tried to. Tavros stood in his corner, feeling so guilty he could cry. He was staring at the floor wringing his hands out like a wet towel, going over the chain of events that lead him here. Gamzee’s easy peacefulness disappeared as he frowned. “What’s wrong motherfucker?” 

“I-I didn’t mean to make everyone so upset,” Tav whimpered with wet eyes, “I’m sorry.” Tavros huffed panicked, unhappy breaths, unknowingly making Gamzee’s mood take a dive. Crossing the small room with a single wide stride, he knelt before his little friend, pulling his hands apart. Tavros screwed his eyes shut, embarrassed of how red and puffy they were getting.

“Hey, hey it’s okay, see? Everyone’s all good now,” Gamzee sighed, calmingly running the pads of his thumbs over the backs of Tav’s hands.

“You didn’t have to threaten him, it was my fault he got so angry…”

“Hey, that kid needs to learn how to chill. Ain’t nobody’s fault, Tav.”

“O-Okay.”

“There we go, let’s see those eyes.” 

Tavros opened his eyes, accidentally letting a few tears get away. Gamzee smiled, showing his teeth. His eyes were still deceivingly dark, but his pupils were smaller, showing off more of the blue. And while tracing over the paint-blots of color that permanently framed Gamzee’s face, Tav noticed three long scars running across from above his left eyebrow to his right jawline. “Oh my god, what happened?” he exclaimed, raising a hand to run his fingers across the marks, before hesitating and pulling back slightly. Gamzee nodded sadly, giving him the okay to touch. Tavros lightly traced the scars, growing more and more concerned by the second.

“It’s a long story. But they’re old, so you don’t need to worry.” he partially explained, “I was born with the creepy skin situation though.”

“You’re skin’s not creepy, Gamzee,” Tav assured. But he was getting really worried about his observance skills. How had he not seen this before? “Gamzee, what happened to you? I mean, you don’t have to tell me. I understand if you don’t want to, but yeah. I mean we barely know each other and it’s probably really personal--” He continued to ramble, knowing he probably wasn’t making sense, but Gamzee didn’t seem to care. He trailed off, knowing it didn’t really matter anyway. Gamzee pulled Tavros into his arms.

“I missed you, Tavbro.” He said quietly into Tav’s hair.

“I missed you, too.” Tavros replied, burying his face in Gamzee’s chest, “What happened? Where did you go?” 

“I had some family shit to deal with. But it’s all good now.” Gamzee put Tav’s mind at ease, letting him turn to press his cheek into his sternum before giving that fluffy mohawk an affectionate rub. “Look at you, big bad Tav,” he said with a smirk, “Nineteen’s cuttin’ it close for bars isn’t it?”

“Oh I uh…” Tavros struggled to explain, turning red once more, “I didn’t know this was your bar, I was just really sick of her and this is the only bar that won’t I.D. me, I didn’t mean to snap at Karkat, I know he hates me, I just… I needed somewhere else to be. She’s having a party and--”

“And you’re not going?” Gamzee asked with a brow raised, undeniably interested.

“I would just be hiding in my room alone. It isn’t much fun.” Tavros said, shrugging it off easily as his eyes drifted downward. It bugged Gamzee, how used Tav was to being alone in his room, uninvited to his own house parties.

“Bummer,” he mused, hugging Tavros just a little bit tighter, “I’ll up and chill with you if your girl can’t be bothered.” Tav’s gasp was lost on him.

“Really? Like… would you want to? Maybe… come with me?” Tavros asked with an obvious blush spread across cheeks and ears. He kept his eyes cast down and his hands joined around Gamzee’s waist, but he listened intently for an answer and hoped he wouldn’t have to die from embarrassment.

“I’d be honored.” Gamzee replied with a smile. He peeled out of their embrace and headed towards a shelf directly behind Tavros. He stretched to reach the back of the top shelf, inadvertently trapping Tavros between he and the wall. Gamzee smirked to himself when he got a hold of it, retrieving what Tav could see was some cheap tequila bottle. “Let’s dance.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow my tumblr? mylifeisaverageish.tumblr.com


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *birthday song plays*

Sticking closely to Gamzee’s heels like a shy child, Tavros followed him out the backroom door and back into the bar. The same few bums sat in their respective seats, chatting with each other like nothing ever happened. A tall, thin man stood behind the bar, listening to Karkat as he angrily explained the thin bandage wrapped around his hand. He watched patiently as Karkat threw grand gestures every which way as if he were explaining a dramatic car accident. Deja vu recalled this person’s face, but couldn’t place it in Tav’s mind. He could’ve sworn he’d seen him before. The closer they got, the clear it was that Karkat wasn’t just talking with his hands, he was using sign language.

“Kurloz,” Gamzee called in their general direction, attracting the attention of pretty much everyone at the bar. He took wide, confident strides towards Karkat and the guy next to him, trailing Tavros behind him. “So this is my idiot brother, Tavbro.” Gamzee grinned, showing all his teeth. 

This guy, Gamzee’s brother, stood just about as tall as he did, was just as thin, and just as carefree in personal appearance. He even shared the same patchy, tan&white skin, though their patterns were different. Two large white splotches melded together over his nose bridge like a Robin mask. The apex of the splotches over his eyes sat at the top of his eyebrows towards the middle, sloping downward into a constantly sad expression. The swoop of his nose was briefly interrupted by a patch of sun-warmed skin, then turned white again over his nose. One more large splash of white painted a downsided frown over his mouth. Overall, he seemed like a despondent mime. If one counted how sunken his eye sockets and cheeks were, he could’ve also been a sad, pop-art skeleton. But what really struck silence in Tav’s heart were his eyes. Tavros wondered how someone with such a dark complexion could have such frozen, pale blue eyes. Kurloz’ were so keen, they were almost overwhelming to look at, and Tav’s eyes skittered downward and to the right. 

Kurloz shrugged and closed his eyes for a moment, shaking his head in discontent. He faced his brother. With his hands free and before him, he pointed both index fingers to himself, raising them up, over, and away from him towards the door and followed with an expressive shrug.

Gamzee and Karkat seemed to understand, and rightfully so. They were more familiar with Kurloz than Tav was, after all. “I’m checkin’ out, bro,” Gamzee replied easily, “Party calls.” Indifferent to Gamzee’s delighted mood, Kurloz retired his hands for a moment to tie up a thick, dark, dreaded mess of longish hair into an uncaring bun at the top of his head. Then Kurloz balled his hands into fists and brought them together then pointed a thumb at Tavros, who watched quietly.

With a slight jolt, Gamzee remembered his little bro hiding behind him. With an excited smile, he ran a rough hand through Tav’s hair, ruffling it like a proud dad. Tavros put on a brave face, coming out from behind Gamzee to face his near-perfect carbon copy. He found himself craning his neck upward just to look into those icy, unreadable eyes. He never even noticed the uncomfortable silence that stretched between them, creating more and more distance between little Tav and Gamzee’s brother. 

“Say hello, Tav. He ain’t gonna up and bite ya,” Gamzee encouraged with an amused laugh behind his voice. He bent at the waist, putting himself at Tav’s eye level and looked back and forth between he and Kurloz. Stunned silent by frighteningly blue eyes, Tavros swallowed almost audibly.

“H-Hello…”

Kurloz looked down at Gamzee’s little shadow with sharp, cold eyes, so pale they almost looked white. His gaze hovered long enough to see Tav’s eyes widened in discomfort and shy away. Gripping his chin between his thumb and his knuckle, he pulled away twice in quick succession.

This time, it was Gamzee who responded with a gesture. He stuck a thumb out, twisting his wrist towards himself and tucking his index finger under his thumb, extending the remaining three. Then he rolled his left fist over the right, connecting them after one revolution.

Kurloz smiled ever so slightly, his lips defying the permanent frown blotched onto his face. He tapped the very top of his chin with his thumb and index finger. Gamzee grinned and shrugged his shoulders. 

Karkat, who had drifted away to tend the bar --realizing that he was still at work-- groaned at Gamzee’s snickering. He assumed he and his boss were talking shit like they always did, but Tavros seemed oblivious. 

“Are… Are you deaf?” Tavros asked bravely, shrinking back when both brothers and Karkat stopped what they were doing and looked down at him. Karkat responded quickly and angrily. 

“Well if he was, asking him is pretty fucking rude, don’t you think?” he snarled. Tavros, having not thought of that, tried to stammer an apology but gave up when he saw no one was paying attention to him anymore. 

Kurloz rolled his eyes, turning to Karkat and frowning at his aggression. With his thumb folded in and remaining fingers extended, he fanned his hand up and out in Karkat’s direction. Bringing both hands up towards his heart, thumbs pointed upward, he cycled them once or twice towards himself. Karkat saw and understood, scoffing to himself like a scolded child. 

He turned back to Gamzee looking rather exasperated. Of course he noticed the pilfered bottle of tequila Gamzee was nonchalantly trying to steal. With another irritated roll of his eyes, Kurloz curled up his index finger, pointing down at the ground twice. Then one hand formed an L and the other folded up into a fist. The L was flipped over the fist, turned upside-down. The index and middle fingers of his right hand drummed over the index and middle fingers of his left, then he looked deliberately at the bottle in Gamzee’s hands and grimaced. That for sure isn’t an actual sign, but it sure got the point across. 

“Yeah yeah, thanks mom,” Gamzee taunted, making a moronic face at his brother as he took a few broad steps towards the front door. Tavros scrambled behind, eager to get home and die of embarrassment. His cheeks had burned a beating red that spread over his face, neck, and ears, but he suddenly went very very pale when a _deep_ hoarse voice cleared it’s throat at him. 

Tavros turned around slowly, wringing his hands. Kurloz, who had stepped out from behind the bar, stood before him. With a friendly smile, though his gaze never softened, Kurloz ran his right palm over his left. His hands curled to points then came together, his left starting near his chest and his right further away. With a final, strong point straight into him, along with some growth in Kurloz’ happy smile, Tavros understood this to mean _Nice to meet you,_ or at least that’s what he thought.

With a small nod, Tav replied with, “Nice to meet you,” then joined Gamzee at the door. 

..

“Grim motherfucker isn’t he?” Gamzee mused, shaking his head as they started off down the street. Tavros trailed behind, shoving his hands in his pockets. He watched the ground half in attempt to spare his face from the brisk wind that nipped his nose, and half in attempt to hide his embarrassment. 

“Is he always like that?” he asked, his voice small and humbled, put in his place by Karkat and Kurloz. Kurloz didn’t even have to say anything to establish himself as much scarier than Karkat, and Tavros kicked himself for being so weak. Gamzee didn’t seem to notice. 

“Ahh, he’ll get used to ya pretty quick, no worries,” he reassured, no doubt having had similar situations come up in the past. He heard Tavros shudder and wrap his arms tighter around himself, the wind blowing right through his little friend. Without much prior thought, Gamzee swept him up in a friendly side-hug, making Tavros lose his footing. A small stumble later, Tav was falling into him with a surprised hum. Gamzee laughed and held him up, but Tavros struggled out of his hold for the first time since they’ve met. He skipped to the right a few feet, huffing to himself and shoving his hands into his pockets again.

It actually made Gamzee stop walking, made him frown at the sudden change of mood. “Hey you doin’ okay?” he asked. Tavros had never refused his contact before, and it obviously concerned him. 

“Um yeah,” Tavros answered quickly, shaking his head and taking a few steps forward. But Gamzee caught his wrist, pulling his hand out of his pocket and holding it firmly. Tav gasped, feeling his shoulder as it was tugged backward rather _painfully._ He whirled around, sour faced as he locked eyes with Gamzee. A fractionally spiteful glare grew wide with guilty submission. 

“Don’t lie to me, Tavros.” Gamzee stood over him. Minimal sun caught the tops of his cheekbones and shadowed the rest of his face. His dark eyes narrowed, peering downward over his nose. 

“It’s nothing.” Tavros let out a shaky breath, daring to halfheartedly tug at their attachment. Both were dead silent. Gamzee took a step forward and the fear that sped up Tav’s heartbeat rooted his feet to the ground. Gamzee stood over him, blocking the sun and warmth. Tavros had to crane his neck to stare like a deer in headlights into a pair of eyes that seemed to be getting lighter around the edges. With the sunlight out of the way, Gamzee’s pupils shrank just the smallest bit, proving that his irises were the same shocking blue as his brother’s were. Tavros gasped again as the hand around his wrist squeezed him harder.

“Bullshit.”

“That hurts--”

“Tell me what’s wrong.” 

“I’m shy, okay?” Tavros whimpered. His cheeks were on fire, stained pink and wet with frightened tears, “I’m not good at meeting people. It stresses me out.” Poor Tav was trembling now. Gamzee watched him silently for a beat before rudely releasing his captive’s wrist, drawing some judgmental attention from passers-by. 

He turned away, digging out a beat up pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He sighed a hot breath into cold air. Tavros felt his heart sink, guilt crawling into its place as he watched Gamzee-- normally calm and happy-- feel so agitated he needed to smoke, although it was an actual cigarette this time. 

“I’m sorry Gamzee…” Tavros apologized in a small voice, hugging his arms around his little waist, “I didn’t mean to make you mad.” He looked in Gamzee’s general direction with wet brown eyes. Cold wind blew through him, made him shake, looking like an absolutely despondent lost puppy. 

Traffic on the pavement seemed to grow the longer they stood there. It was getting late. People were starting to crawl out of their hiding spots. A little girl with bright red hair let go of her mother’s hand, stopping to stare up at Tavros. Tav forced a small smile as her mother shooed her away. They watched each other for a few long moments. Tav watched as she tugged on the hem of her mother’s skirt, demanding to know why that guy was crying. He roughed up his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket, wondering if he’d end up spending the night holed up in his room after all. 

_It’s probably for the best…_

“Don’t look at me like that.” 

Suddenly, Tav’s nose pressed a little uncomfortably into Gamzee’s chest with long arms holding tightly to him.

“I’m sorry, Tav,” Gamzee essentially whispered rather anxiously, “I’m sorry, just don’t-- You gotta tell me what’s goin’ on in your head when you get weird like that, okay? Don’t make me worry about you.” Tavros let out a shivering sigh, returning the hug with barely half the strength he usually put forth. 

“It’s okay,” he replied, willing the weepy tones from his voice. He inhaled sharply through his nose-- rapidly going pink from chill-- sniffing quietly against Gamzee’s chest. “It’s okay.”

* * *

“Honey, I’m home!” Gamzee yawned into an empty apartment. He sighed with an exaggerated shrug of his shoulders and a blissful smile. “It’s cold as balls out there,” he added, looking back at Tavros who locked the door and shrugged his agreement.

Turning away from the door, Tav discovered that Gamzee had wandered off, or at least he wasn’t in the immediate vicinity. He threw a confused glance in all directions, but located his friend by sound. 

“There she is,” Gamzee announced from the living room, “there’s my girl.” 

Gamzee stood with his arms as wide as his grin and by the time Tavros made it around the corner. His heart had started to flutter with the panicked possibility that Vriska could be home, though he was certain she’d said she was going to the airport only an hour ago. When he came upon a lone Gamzee, who stared at the couch like a long lost lover, he was a little confused and a lot relieved.

“She..?” Tavros titled his head in confusion as his gaze locked onto the couch. He replayed their first adventure in his mind, when he’d rediscovered that crushed velvet couch. It was certainly not as clean as it should be, he could never run a black light over that thing, but it possessed new value in Tav’s life. It wasn’t as simple as “the first time he’d tried pot,” it was more than that.

“I’m thinking Amelia.” Gamzee said while looking at Tav, a strange confidence showing in his eyes. He gave the armrest a good pat like how a proud father would his son. Tav’s eyebrows cinched together, his nose scrunched up just a bit. What on earth was his friend talking about now?

“Seems like a perfect name for a perfect couch, doesn’t it?” Gamzee finally bothered to explain all this nonsense, giving a cheeky grin giving Tav’s direction. 

“Right, right,” he replied, feeling a little stupid, “Amelia’s nice.” Gamzee nodded his agreement. They stood for a moment, commemorating Amelia: the Red Crushed Velvet Couch in silence. Tavros dropped his hands, shoving them into his pockets to stop them from looking too restless. 

When the silence had begun to feel uncomfortable, Gamzee gave a firm pat to Tav’s hair then left the room, heading towards the kitchen. Tav’s gaze followed him until he disappeared around the corner, his face getting hot at the smug look on his friend’s face.

“Gamzee?” he asked, actually going to the kitchen never even occurred to him for some reason. He listened to the sound of Gamzee going through his cabinets like a starved racoon and wondered what he was looking for, but part of him, the bigger part, decided it was best to inquire from a safe distance just in case. “What are you doing?”

“Why don’t you up and get in here, Goldilocks?”

Tavros peeked into the kitchen to see that Gamzee had halfway climbed into the refrigerator as he was only visible from the waist down and rapidly disappearing. “Got any limes?” he asked from the back of the fridge. 

“Uh, yeah,” Tavros responded, eyeing the little china bowl on the kitchen table, overflowing with oranges, lemons, and limes. “What are they for?”

Gamzee emerged from the fridge with a nose than had gone a little rosy from exposure to cold. Tavros nodded in the lime’s direction and Gamzee chose three with a grateful smile. 

“ _I_ wouldn’t touch that without some assistance,” he warned, raising his brows at the pilfered bottle of tequila from the Seagoat’s backroom. He produced a pocket knife from thin air, seemingly by magic. Tavros whispered his amazement although he had learned to assume that Gamzee had some rather cirquesque qualities, apparently including slight-of-hand. 

“And I’m much tougher than you,” Gamzee added nonchalantly, cutting limes into wedges with his pocket knife, even though Tavros definitely owned actual kitchen knives. 

“Hey, I’m pretty tough,” Tavros argued.

“You’re a motherfuckin’ pink butterfly.”

“Am not!”

A whirl of motion put a jarring, unpleasant, sour taste in Tav’s mouth.

“Here comes the smolder.” 

Tavros grimaced, spitting a lime wedge out into his hands. “Agh, Gamzee why?”

“Let’s go,” Gamzee snickered at the pained expression on his poor victims face.

* * *

Tavros watched all starry-eyed as Steven sang his little song about the post. For some reason he couldn’t help but feel so endeared. He even found himself sighing at the little things Steven did, like how he assumed that cookie-cats activated his gem power, or how he bought a novelty backpack on impulse. Normally, he wasn’t so emotionally invested in Steven Universe, or any other cartoons, really. But he’d never played any cartoon-related drinking games either. And within the first six minutes, he’d already taken three difficult shots of low-rent tequila.

Being small wasn’t so great for attempting to tolerate tequila. He hadn’t really eaten and wasn’t a practiced drinker. Not to mention Gamzee was more than happy in feeding him shot after shot, encouraging him along the way. It seemed like there was no real way to escape the intoxication, so he didn’t fight it. Tav was happy to submit to shitty tequila on a saturday night. And boy, were all the stories true. 

Three shots in, followed by grimacing bites at salted lime wedges, and the room seemed to be twenty degrees hotter than it was ten minutes ago. Even Gamzee, who was chewing on a lime rind at the moment, decided it was too much. With a bothered huff, Gamzee sat up and pulled his shirt over his head by the back of his collar. Tavros watched curiously through the corner of his eye as maps of patchy skin came into view, a map complete with whole continents of white that stood out from seas of tan. Ribs and spine created mountains and valleys that would’ve made anyone fear malnourishment if they could forget that it sort of fit and was a little aesthetically pleasing. Hundreds of little scars and keloids riddled Gamzee’s skin, mostly concentrated across his shoulder blades, marking battles lost and hard won.

The temperature climbed to even more stuffy heights for undefined reasons in Tav’s mind. And hearing a relieved sigh leave Gamzee’s lungs made up his mind. Although, he wasn’t cool or coordinated enough to simply pull his shirt off. He crossed his arms, pulling the bottom hem of it up, turning it inside out. He got stuck for a fleeting, panicky moment, but managed not to suffocate himself. The moment it was over his head, he threw it off with a huff, running a hand through frazzled locks to calm them.

Lo and behold, Steven’s eyes turned to little stars. And as Tavros choked back yet another shot, Gamzee had begun to snicker quietly to himself. Tavros felt oddly affronted, and against his nature, poked his tongue out in his defense. This only made Gamzee shake his head, ignoring Tav’s growing frustration. 

“You’re just too cute.”

Tav’s jaw dropped, brows furrowed. 

“No the hell I’m not,” Tavros corrected, crossing his arms over his bare chest, looking very much like a stubborn toddler that didn’t want a bath. Gamzee didn’t even try to suppress an absolutely shit-eating grin. 

“So cute I could eat you up,” he countered matter-of-factly. Out of nowhere, two long arms trapped poor Tavros in their midst, holding tight while Gamzee’s teeth sank into his shoulder.

“Ow! You dick!” Tavros squealed, flailing against Gamzee’s grasp. Without thinking, he swatted his captor across the cheek with little to no power or sting. But Gamzee reacted like he’d thrown a brick at him, gasping melodramatically and pressing his palm to his abused cheek. He stared with the same wide eyes one would see just before a small child cries. 

“Oh you big baby, it didn’t hurt that bad,” Tavros called his bluff, rolling his eyes. 

“Gonna motherfuckin’ cry,” Gamzee pouted, his lower lip even daring to poke out just a bit. 

“Oh, please.” Without much thought, Tavros leaned over and pulled his friend over by his neck to give a sweet, healing peck to Gamzee’s temple. There was no way Tavros could register when Gamzee went completely still. 

Tavros giggled at the silliness of a twenty-two year old acting so childishly. He ran the very edge of his teeth over his skin, nipping at him with a playful little growl. "That's what you get for being naughty."

When he pulled away, Gamzee's eyes were even blacker than they usually were, with no sign of his blue irises at all. He was still and straight faced for the first time since they'd met, staring at Tavros thoughtfully for a stretch of silence. The cheerful little smile that dug laugh lines and dimples into Tav's cheeks sank slowly as unexplainable forces told him to be calm. They edged him forward, into the two-toned hand that pulled him even closer. 

For the briefest of moments, they came together for a chaste, safe kiss. And as gentle and hesitant as Gamzee was for someone as gentle and hesitant as Tavros seemed to be, it wasn't nearly enough for either of them. Such sparks passed and set the butterflies in Tav's stomach on fire. 

In an instant, two hands took Tav's forearms in a strong grip. And with a small whimper of surprise, Tavros found himself being pressed into the mattress. Gamzee looked down at him with a deep darkness that Tav had never seen before, and it managed to alarm him, but it was gone as soon as it came, and the firm grip on his arms eased considerably. 

"Sorry," he offered in a quiet, sandy whisper. It seemed to be enough, as Tavros reconnected them with boozy enthusiasm. Though beneath the intoxication, there's always truth. With the fervor of depravity and lacking of contact for so long, Tavros forgot that they’d skipped some levels, melting into bruising kisses like he needed them to relax. He’d been so tense as of late, too busy in being afraid of Vriska to realize that she’d cut him loose. The freedom from her was finally clear, and he discovered that he rather enjoyed being pressed up against the bartender that had saved him from her. 

None-too-coordinated teeth traced down a chord of muscle that connected Tav's jawline to his collarbone. Little panted mews crawled out of his mouth as gentle touches mounted into over-sensitive teases in Tav's mind. Every once in awhile, Gamzee would huff quiet, amused laughter at his friend as his little gasps grew more and more tremulous, they bordered on sobs. He ran his tongue over Tav's jugular, feeling how quickly his heart was beating even after mere moments of lighthearted fooling around. 

"Hey, hey," the satisfied amusement was too thick to swallow. Gamzee didn’t bother looking at him. Instead, he focused on running the flat of his tongue over the tops Tav’s collarbones, “I’m kissing you, Tav, not torturing you.”

Overly confident fingers dug deep into Gamzee’s wild hair. A whine was just barely stifled when that tongue prodded his throat, followed by overzealous teeth that sank a little too deep. Tavros gasped at sharp pain, his spine curving up nicely. But he relaxed when that tongue returned to lap up the blood and pretend it never happened. 

Skin just barely brushed skin, meeting only when the two of them inhaled. For lack of any inspiring new ideas, Tavros pulled Gamzee to him with little resistance and instigated his own kiss. The doubt of his usual character had been washed away, any shame he might’ve felt had been buried deep, in an uncoordinated mess of hands, lips, and tongues, interrupted often by laughing at how sloppy they were being or how drunk they must’ve been. Eventually, they gave up on high-energy, unthought-out passion, favoring the lethargy of simply lying together. 

“Vamos a quedarnos así por siempre, Gamzee,” Tavros sighed as he traced the edge of a particularly large patch of white on Gamzee’s chest. Gamzee seemed surprised, as he was much more coherent than Tavros was, and could’ve sworn he’d heard the little guy speak _Spanish_ to him. 

“Borrachos?” he replied, testing to see if his mind had played a trick on him, and to poke a little fun. Tavros shrugged his shoulders, turning a little pink.

“Bueno, si lo quieres ver de esa manera…” He trailed off, a little embarrassed at how open he was being. He never expected so much to happen, and at the back of his mind, he’d always assumed that Gamzee wasn’t the sticking-around type. But a deep, soft laugh vibrated the chest Tav had made himself a home on, and it was somehow reassuring. Maybe Gamzee didn’t mind how clingy he was. 

“No sabía que hablabas español.”

“Pues soy mexicano, no? Para ser sincero pensé que se me había olvidado hace muchos años.”

“Genial.”

“Tavros!” Just the sound of Vriska’s voice was enough to make Tavros shudder. Luckily, he was too out of it to really mind when she burst into his room, discovering him, shirtless and wasted, in the arms of some guy she didn’t know. And she certainly did notice, if her wide, green eyes and dropped jaw were anything to go by. 

“Aren’t you going to come out and meet everyone?” she asked slowly. She adjusted her too-tight top that looked like it was squeezing her in all the places one would rather not be squeezed, all in the name of fashion probably, and pointed an index finger at the stranger in her house rather undiplomatically. “Tavros? Who is _this_?”

Gamzee couldn’t help himself, couldn’t keep it in. As Tavros slowly but surely began to realize the gravity of the situation, Gamzee couldn’t stop the unbridled laughter rolling around in his chest. Yes, they’d been caught red handed, and if he wasn’t absolutely certain that Tav wouldn’t remember a thing tomorrow, he knew the poor kid would die of embarrassment. But the way Vriska gawked at them, so utterly caught off guard, so thrown for a loop, it was hysterical. 

“Habla en serio? No habla en serio o sí?” he asked her between fits of laughter. Even Tavros had begun to laugh quietly when he realized how disarmed Vriska was. It was a rare sight. 

“Es en serio, ella siempre es así.”

“Que asco de mujer.”

“Who the fuck are you?” Vriska spat when she saw she wasn’t being taken seriously. She narrowed her catlike eyes, stood tall and menacing. “What are you guys even doing in here?” She crossed her arms just under her chest and waited for a reply that would satisfy her.

“Bueno,” Gamzee sat up, displacing Tavros on the way. He ignored Tav’s disenchanted whine to leer at Vriska with condescension so obvious, even Tavros picked up on it immediately despite his mind being elsewhere, “que mierda se ve que estamos haciendo?” he asked with a broad sweeping gesture. He spoke slowly, enunciated each word as if he were talking to a dumb dog or a child. Vriska growled at the tone this stranger chose to use with her, and hissed her response through her teeth.

“Look, I don’t know what the hell you’re saying, but it looks like you two are in here pounding tequila like a couple of virgins.” She seethed. It almost felt like the room had grown cold in contrast to how hot she was running. Yet she still smirked, her gaze like a dagger, directly at Tav who chose not to get involved.

“Aw, que lindo, puedes usar tu estúpido cerebro!” Gamzee cooed, only adding fuel to the fire. He leaned all his weight back and landed heavily onto the bed. Without being told, Tavros crawled back into his original spot and continued to sit quietly and absorb Gamzee’s warmth. “Pense que no servía,” Gamzee sighed, blissfully staring at the ceiling. 

“Oh my god, English! Speak English!” Vriska tried to command him, but her powers of manipulation had no effect on him. He even had the nerve to ignore her, in favor of keeping his words mostly between he and Tavros.

“No jodas. Dios, cómo pudiste estar con ella por cinco años? Apuesto a que lo hiciste porque folla realmente bien,” he asked, impressed with his friend’s ability to tolerate such an intolerable girl.

“Nope,” Tav replied, “en esos pinches cinco años solo durmio conmigo como dos veces.”

“Eso es ser una perra.”

“Perra y malagradecida, eso casi me hace preguntarme cómo sobreviví.” Gamzee had to let out an impressed, exasperated sigh.

“Eres un hombre valiente,” he praised, petting Tav’s wayward hair, “mis respetos.”

“Look,” Vriska stewed in bubbling hot fury, “ whoever the fuck you are, get the hell out of here while you still can.”

Gamzee tensed and Tavros felt it, every muscle he made contact with suddenly flexed with the purpose of standing and, in all likelihood, starting an actual argument. Tavros pressed his palm to a patch of white over Gamzee’s heart, willing the fight from the rapid beating in his chest. And after a moment of silence, Gamzee relaxed, deciding that Vriska wasn’t worth ruining his night. 

“O qué?” he responded nonchalantly, “Qué vas a hacer, hermana? Mira, necesitas calmarte un poco. Toma un trago. Diviertete. Chupa un pito. No me importa, solo relajate. En serio me estas jodiendo la noche.” He waved the air, flicking his wrist with every new option he presented her. And the amount of boredom that weighted his voice was Vriska’s breaking point. She snapped.

“Ugh! I hate you!” Vriska yelled, squeezing her eyes shut and stamping her feet like he’d just insulted her mother. 

“Wow, que madura.”

“Tavros, are you going to let him speak to me like this?” She turned to her freshly rejected ex, who was currently curled up in the arms of someone else like a lap dog, for support. The fact that she assumed he’d cave to her request was sick all on it’s own. 

She glared at him, arms crossed and practically radiating superiority. Poor Tav could feel his shyness creeping back into the forefront of his mind. The longer they stared at each other, the more likely she was to get her way. It was a simple fact. Tavros was about to open his mouth and tell Gamzee he needed to leave, which was probably what would make Vriska happier. But Gamzee held tight to him, protected him from her hardened gaze.

“Obvio,” he said quietly. There it was, that shit-eating grin made its way onto Gamzee’s face. Vriska gasped, seeming to understand enough Spanish to realize that she’d presented Tavros with a choice, and he didn’t choose her. And Gamzee couldn’t have been more proud. 

“You!” she wailed, her voice cracking at the pitch her rather low voice couldn't handle, “This is all your fault! Get lost, you dirty creep!” 

“Dios, que escandalosa,” Gamzee hollered in the same bored tone, mocking her belligerence, “Me recuerdas a otra chica que conozco,” he recalled, “También está un poco loca.”

“Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” she snapped, feeling scandalized for no real reason. She didn’t understand anything he was saying. But Tavros did, and he wondered who the girl was that reminded him of Vriska. Surely, there couldn’t be _two_ of them.

“No, pero a la tuya sí y le encanta. Es casi igual de zorra que tu. Ahora ve y pierdete, lárgate.” Gamzee shooed Vriska away, having finished his toying with her. Such foul language made Tav’s eyes widen, a little inaudible gasp left his lungs.

“Tavros Nitram, I’ll deal with you later.” was her final remark before she stormed out, slamming the door as she went.

..

“Gamzee, that was so mean!” Tavros whispered between nervous giggles. He’d won. He’d pulled the rug out from underneath the feet of Vriska Serket.

“What the fuck ever,” Gamzee shrugged, smiling at Tav’s enthusiasm, “girl needs to learn how to chill.”

“I shouldn’t be doing this,” Tav giggled, shaking his head at how affected he was after a mere three episodes. Thirteen shots in and he was certain he would never see tomorrow. Could he see the screen in front of him, yes, but could he discern where Steven started and Pearl ended, no. Colors and shapes had melted together, spinning about in a slow, blurry tango. He rolled his tongue around in his mouth, passing it over his salted-soured lips, and laughed at how unexpected his current situation really was. 

“Doin’ what?” Gamzee questioned, handing him another shot because why not? Tavros groaned hyperbolized disapproval, but took the shot without much resistance. Gamzee’s sleepy smile grew as he enjoyed the subtle belligerence that had settled itself so deeply into Tavros, it almost seemed like he’d never been drunk before in his life. Gamzee took an unbothered, unashamed swig directly from the bottle, much to Tav’s disapproval in the name of hygiene. 

“ _This_ ,” Tav replied, putting on a brave face as he rather disdainfully bit into a fresher lime slice. Gamzee chuckled at his pain.

“Why not?” he asked. Gamzee, who’d been keeping the same persevering pace he’d set Tav on, didn’t seem the least bit affected by it. While Tavros slurred his words and laughed at his failure, Gamzee remained pretty much himself. It was possible that he’d cheated in this game, but that was unlikely. He most likely had a much higher tolerance. 

“It’s just, like,” Tav explained, “it’s _crazy_. This isn’t me. I don’t do stuff like this, I’m not cool or brave or anything. I--” 

“I think you’re pretty motherfucking great,” Gamzee’s low voice interrupted, “Might have to keep you around, Tavbro.” Gamzee pressed a meaningful kiss to the top of Tav’s head. The fog in Tav’s mind cleared. He listened to Gamzee’s heart beat slow and steady, found a deep sense of comfort in listening to it. It made him realize something important, pinnacle. 

“Gamzee, I--”

“Can you at least come meet my--” The bedroom door burst open, slamming against the wall with a loud thud that suggested a dent from the knob hitting the drywall. Vriska stood in the doorway. “No fucking way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you care at all about the asl and spanish translations let me know and ill post them! 
> 
> mylifeisaverageish.tumblr.com


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the actual update for chapter 8! i didn't go the whole 'delete then remake' route because i wanted to keep all the comments because they were so sweet ^_^

Big brown eyes that drooped with heavy content and borderline lovesick bliss grew wide and alert. The moment all the dots finally connected in his mind, they’d also connected in Vriska’s. She’d burst in with entirely different intentions, but discovering a blushed up Tavros beneath this rude stranger was like a shark smelling blood a mile away. Her pupils shrank to the size of pinheads and her hands clenched to fists strong enough to beat a man to death. 

“You’re cheating on me with _that?_ ” she growled, the very same undiplomatic finger pointing blame at Gamzee who had quite literally trapped Tavros beneath him. A blind man could come to the same conclusion, no questions necessary. Gamzee looked back to Tavros, expecting a fearful, apologetic expression to sadden his visage. He was surprised when Tav furrowed his brow, shooting Vriska a confused, irritated glare.

“ _You_ dumped _me_ remember?” A stroke of brutal honesty tumbled out of his mouth. Gamzee smirked at the obvious dodging of her question, he didn’t say yes but he didn’t say no either.

“God Tavros, you always take everything so seriously!” Vriska threw her fists down, raising her voice to a mountingly unpleasant volume to everyone else in the room. 

“You made it pretty clear when you brought that guy into my apartment. You made me _listen_ to you two going at it for _weeks._ ” Tav’s voice stayed low and even, even through this new baseline of annoyance. Gamzee stayed silent, watching this unravel with pride for Tavros swelling in his chest. 

“It’s an open relationship!” Vriska shot back in defense, clearly forgetting when she’d closed it for good some odd weeks ago. But this worked in his favor, regardless of the openness or closedness of whatever relations she thought they had, she had no reason to get upset either way. 

“Okay, then why are you riding me?” Vriska’s jaw dropped as if he’d said something vulgar to her instead of asking a rather simple question. She gaped for a good moment. By now the rest of the house had gone quiet, suddenly interested in the mounting fight that was taking place. 

“Because you’re fucking around with a leper in our bed!” she finally yelled.

“Leper,” Gamzee interrupted, rolling onto his back for comfort, “that’s a new one. Ten points for creativity.”

“Shut up!” she snapped, baring her teeth. Gamzee seemed unfazed, throwing an arm around Tavros and tucking the other behind his head for comfort, simply content in watching the show. Watching Tavros snuggle up to her new least favorite person on the face of the earth made Vriska feel sick, like she’d vomit at a moment’s notice and everyone saw it. 

“You just can’t stand it,” Tav pressed, shaking his head like he felt sorry for her. By now, several faces Tavros had never seen before had gathered at the doorway, enraptured by the sudden shift in tides. 

“Can’t stand what?” Vriska hissed between her teeth, her eyes flashed and her body trembled as energy shivered out of her to retain composure. 

“You _hate_ it when I’m happy,” Tav replied casually, “You can’t live in a world where I’m not miserable 24/7. You probably can’t even imagine it, and now that I sorta am, you don’t know what to do.” Vriska opened her mouth to protest, but the next thing he said struck her silent. “You’re a lying, manipulative snake and I’m tired of you,” he deadpanned. And Gamzee fought so hard not to jump up and make a scene. He even tightened up his grip on Tav to hold himself down as he went on. “You always tell me what to do, you set all these impossible rules for me to follow. I’m done with you, Vriska, and I haven’t been this happy in years. Why is that?”

The crowd had dispersed, everyone taking a walk around the house, wide eyed and whispering all different forms of _Hell no. Bye Tavros._ and _I’ll leave you flowers and cry at your funeral._

Vriska stood in stunned silence, jaw on the floor. “We we are happy,” she countered stupidly, at a complete loss. Her sharp wit provided no response. 

“ _You_ are happy.” 

The room went dark and cold, the air filled with the scent of fire and brimstone. Sharp, green eyes narrowed to murderous points, daggers that were meant for Gamzee who’d influenced her pet away from his training. Tavros would never willingly disobey unless he knew she wouldn’t hurt him. But as soon as the house cleared, his safety would clear out with it, and she was not one to mess around. 

“Get out,” she glowered, “I better not see you around here again.” 

That did it. 

Spurred to action, Gamzee shifted out from under Tavros with a blank, almost peaceful, but definitely very unnerving look in his eyes. Tav could see the cold, icy blue of his irises swallowing blown black pupils. In an instant, Vriska was nose to sternum with a suddenly contesting Gamzee. 

“Ain’t nobody above an ass kicking,” he warned, not sounding terribly angry, but Tavros knew it was coming. He jumped out of bed. 

“You think you’re better than me?” Vriska challenged, unafraid. Even from below his eyeline, Vriska still looked down on him, no one knew how she could manage it, but she did. She crossed her arms, raking her eyes down over patchy skin and bone with disgust. “Skinny meth head,” she shot, “get out of my house.”

“Wait!” Tavros rushed between them, saving Vriska when Gamzee’s vision went red. He tripped over his own feet at exactly the wrong time, nearly collapsing under his own weight, but Gamzee caught him with relative ease. He wondered how Gamzee could even stand, knowing that almost the entire bottle of tequila was gone, but he saved that for later. 

“You gotta leave,” Tavros eyed Vriska, “you’re causing too many problems.” 

“Excuse me?” her voice leveled out. Perplexity absorbed the surface of her vengeance. 

“It’s my house,” Tavros clarified, “I pay the rent, I pay the heat, I pay the water, I pay the internet. It’s my fucking house.” 

“But it’s my house too! I live here!” she protested. 

“Not anymore you don’t. You can pack up all your shit and if you’re not gone by tomorrow night, you’ll regret it.” 

The crowd took another walk around the house to cleanse, throwing their hands up in the air. 

Vriska froze, her jaw set up tight. She huffed hot air through her nose. She looked like she was about to take a swing at him, peel his skin off, and wear it like a mask. Whether it be involuntary or protective, Gamzee held tighter to Tavros, who thought that he maybe could’ve been more gentle with her. But the face she made was enough to inspire real, genuine fear in both Tavros and Gamzee. She looked like she was about to cry. 

“Where am I supposed to go?” she asked quietly, trying to hide the waver of her voice. But Tav held firm, refusing to be manipulated again. 

“Try asking that guy you spend so much time with.” 

She let out a shuddering breath, burning her gaze into him. But she turned around and left the room without trouble. She was gone. 

Deflating instantly, Tavros reverted back to his usual, panicky self. He went cold and clammy, breathing hard as if each breath were his last. Gamzee had this ridiculous, wide grin on his face while Tav was frantically stammering out his last will and testament. Gamzee gets Amelia. And he didn’t have many other assets that mattered.

“Okay, kids, break it up. No one’s dying,” a precocious voice called their attention. At a glance, Tavros tensed and clawed at Gamzee’s chest to hide from Vriska. But his vision cleared up enough to notice the differences. This wasn’t Vriska, but she looked _just like her._ They shared the same feline green eyes, sharp features, and pale skin. This girl wore her hair cropped just above her shoulders, and silver-framed, cat eye glasses drew all the attention to those shining eyes. She leaned against the doorframe with a smug look on her face. “Wait, this fight is about _you?_ ”

“Motherfucker.” 

Suddenly, Gamzee wasn’t supporting Tav’s weight and he fell into the wall with a thud and a grumble. The girl at the door grinned, spreading her arms wide to receive a big, excited hug. Gamzee lifted her high into the air, catching her just under her ass to look into her eyes. 

“Mindfang, Mindfang, Mindfang,” he sighed through a dreamy smile. “How the fuck you been, girl? I’m diggin’ the locks.” She hummed, tracing the edges of Gamzee’s patches with the edge of a red painted nail. The other hand rubbed patterns through his hair, enjoying the contented purrs it caused. 

“Hows your brother?” she asked casually, “still sexy?” 

“You know it.” 

A crashing sound stole their attention.

“Hey, Tavros right?” Mindfang asked, jumpscaring poor Tavros who was trying desperately to stay standing and not break his bedside lamp. She giggled, and a burning crimson blush crawled its way across his face. “I’m Mindfang,” she introduced herself, “Vriska’s sister.” 

“O-Oh…” The dots connected. “Hi Mindfang.” She had such a bright and friendly smile, disarming him in a way he didn’t think the Serkets were capable. He managed to put down the lamp without destroying it, overanalyzing the way Gamzee held her, the way she’d jumped into his arms. “You know each other?”

“We’re old friends,” Mindfang explained casually, coming down from Gamzee’s arms. She was tiny, maybe even as tiny as Tav was. 

“I knew that bitch reminded me of you,” Gamzee confirmed. “She’s outa her mind, just like her sister.”

“Stop, I’ll blush!” 

“YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE THE SHIT I JUST WENT THROUGH!” a booming voice called, followed by the front door slamming so hard the house shook. Tavros made for the living room on wobbly legs to investigate the noise. A roughed up blond in smashed aviators burst in, bleeding from his nose and mouth. All red and leather and furious abandon, he huffed like a raging bull. 

“Dave?” Tavros called, thoroughly confused and vaguely concerned. But this cool dude was perpetually injured in some way, so he was more worried about the time of night and the belligerence Dave seemed to display. Disarray was very out of his character. As quickly as he came in, he was out. As if his body simply quit on him, he passed out, just barely making it onto the couch, his face landing in some girl’s lap. 

Back in Tav’s room, Gamzee and Mindfang hushed their words, hiding them from the rest of the party. 

“Hey,” Gamzee called her attention. She pressed closer but diverted her eyes and said nothing. “You got something for me?” he asked just above a whisper, voice coming out low and sandy. Mindfang simpered. 

“I’ll hook you up outside, baby.”

Tavros wandered back into his room, all the movement and excitement pumped his blood hard and fast until he couldn’t see or walk in a straight line. “Gamzee,” he whimpered, “I don’t feel so good.”

Both Mindfang and Gamzee beamed with almost parental pride and endearment. Both of them ushered Tavros into bed, tucking him in like he were there son. Proud parents never coddled their blacked out children, but there was always room for first times. A sleepy, sickly, wasted Tavros didn’t care an inch about his general disposition, clinging tight to Gamzee as he stood to leave. He had a surprisingly firm grip too, which impressed Mindfang who patiently waited at the door. 

“No.”

“I gotta go, Tav, I’ll be right back.”

“Don’t leave.”

“I’m coming right back, I’ll be back before you fall asleep.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

Gamzee smoothed out Tav’s wily hair, turning out the bedside lamp. He closed his door slowly, watching as Tav’s eyelids grew too heavy and closed over big brown eyes. 

“Sweet dreams, Tav, honey. We love you!” Mindfang crooned quietly, playing up her motherly love. 

“Love you too,” Tav replied, knocking out right as he finished. Gamzee and Mindfang swallowed adoring chuckles and closed the door. 

“What did you do to that poor child?” she questioned dramatically. Gamzee coughed defensively, but a toothy grin ruined the effectiveness. Looking him over, Mindfang also noticed the missing shirt. She breathed in a scandalized gasp. “Gamzee, you dog!” He merely shrugged. “Where’s your shirt?” she demanded, she needed all the juicy details. She’d beat it out of him if she hand to. 

“Ah shit.” It was in Tav’s room in a ball on the floor. “He can keep it.” 

“Oh my god, you didn’t.” Mindfang’s eyes grew ten sizes. 

“Yeah don’t remind me,” Gamzee grumbled, “Thanks Vriska.” 

Mindfang gasped, her face falling into an irritated scowl. She marched further into the living room where the rest of the guests had convened. Most of them left, but three stayed. That loud blond still slept on the couch. Vriska had locked herself in the guest room, and two others stood outside her door, urging her to come out. Mindfang stomped right over, banging on the door. 

“Vriska!” she shrieked, “How dare you cockblock my favorite clown! What’d he ever do to you!?” 

“Go away!” 

Mindfang huffed, stubbornly crossing her arms. From behind her, Gamzee snickered, poking at the guy on the couch. The last two party guests were a girl and a boy. The girl had a short, spunky bob and wore strange, angular glasses with red lenses. The guy with her looked like he hated his life and would welcome fiery death with open arms. 

“I’ve been trying to get her to come out for like twenty minutes,” the girl explained, tired enough to give up and leave. “Did you see what happened?” 

“Yeah, the tail end.” Mindfang gave the girl’s shoulder an affectionate pat. “Thanks for sticking around, Terezi, that’s very sweet of you.”

“Can we leave now?”

“Yes, Karkat.” Terezi let out an exasperated sigh. 

“Yooooooo!” Gamzee could recognize the scowl on that kid’s face anywhere. “The gang’s all here!” 

All the color drained from Karkat’s face. “What the fuck are you doing h--”

He choked on his words, suddenly constricted in a serious, strangling hug that lifted his feet off the ground. Mindfang snickered. 

With everyone having separate tasks at hand, the group broke off into three task forces; Mindfang and Terezi managed to force open the guest room door to talk to Vriska, Gamzee lumbered around the house getting water for Tavros for when he woke up and hated his life, and Karkat sat in a huff, babysitting the guy on the couch. Gamzee finished his errand list first and joined Karkat in the living room, soon joined by the girls. Once everyone was ready, they left the house together. 

“What the fuck happened in there,” Karkat snarled at Gamzee as they made their way down the street. Gamzee said nothing, smiling at the ground as they walked down the block. He was generally happy as a person, but this was unconventional even for him. 

“What are you saying,” Karkat pressed. 

“Y’know that kid from earlier at Seagoat’s?” Karkat remembered perfectly, but wondered what he had to do with any of this. Then it all clicked into place. 

“Tell me no.” He shook his head slowly, falling behind the group. “This isn’t happening. I’m dreaming.” 

Terezi’s sharpened hearing, due to her being completely blind, heard their voices growing quieter, stopping Mindfang from walking further away and widening the gap between girls and boys. Mindfang picked up on Karkat just barely keeping his angry shouting to an acceptable volume and lead Terezi back to them. 

“What’s the problem?” Terezi asked nonchalantly. But Karkat was anything but calm. He entered a vehement panic, like the world was ending and he blamed it all on Gamzee. 

“Gamzee’s fucking that kid from the bar,” he deadpanned. 

Gamzee had to interrupt, “Well, not technically--”

“No!” Karkat was not having it. He reprimanded Gamzee, who was at least twice his size, like a bad dog, shaming his choice of pursuit like he had some say in it. “He’s too soft. He’ll bring everything down on us.” The daggers he threw at Gamzee were lethal, and with his mood thoroughly obliterated, Gamzee raised his hands in surrender. 

“Take it easy, Karbro--”

“What, do you like him? Is that it?” he snapped, shaking off Terezi’s grasp at his shoulder when she tried to calm him. She and Mindfang stayed silent, afraid to admit that Karkat had a point. These people had a past that Tavros couldn’t be trusted with the knowledge of. “Do you think he’d _approve_ of the shit we’re doing for you, Gamzee? Are you even gonna tell him?” Gamzee shrugged his shoulders. Karkat had one last question. “What if Goat finds out about him?”

“He’s not going to,” he answered quietly. 

Karkat drew in closer, craning his neck to stare Gamzee in the eyes. “Cut him loose,” he growled. 

“What? No! No, I--” 

“Cut him loose or I’m out. I’m done.” 

Terezi gasped, protesting quietly over Karkat’s shoulder. Gamzee was at a loss for words, eyes round and pleading. He gaped like a fish out of water, but Karkat would not be swayed. He wouldn’t put himself in jeopardy for some snot-nosed kid. It was entirely up to Gamzee: a few weeks of mild interest in some kid he’d met at work, or many many years of extremely close friendship. Gamzee heaved a despondent sigh, making his choice. 

“Do what you gotta do, Karkat. I’m not gonna trap you.”

Taken aback, it was Karkat’s turn to gape. With complete and utter shock, he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, taking slow steps backwards. Then he took off down the block, shoving his hands in his pockets and never looking back, never saying goodbye. Terezi was left behind, and this might’ve seemed rude-- to abandon a blind girl in the middle of the night-- but Terezi was more than capable of handling herself as well as Karkat and his outbursts. 

“I’ll talk to him,” she offered, with a sad smile. She could feel the air get colder around her. She turned to leave in pursuit of Karkat. 

“See ya, Terezi,” Mindfang gave her farewell with a smug smirk, an inside joke between her and Terezi. Mindfang, who had remained awfully silent, wore the same questionably mischievous simper that she’d sported when she’d first laid eyes on Tavros earlier that night.

When Gamzee was sad, it was obvious in the way he carried himself, like he weighed too much to hold up. He watched Karkat and Terezi as they faded away in the distance, vaguely registering Mindfang as she wiggled her way into his arms. She pressed her palm over his heart. It beat slower than usual. 

“Oh, babe,” she crooned, a suspicious, steely edge to her voice, “it’s okay--”

“Do you have it or not,” he snapped, in no mood to be played with. Mindfang didn’t seem to mind this sharpness of tone, no matter how disrespectful it was. She understood. 

“Of course,” she purred. She reached into her coat pocket, retrieving a small, black velvet bag. When Gamzee reached for it, she snatched it away with a smirk. “No no, you know my price.”

Gamzee rolled his eyes, bending at an odd angle to level with her. Tracing a few fingers along her cheek, he pulled her in for a modest kiss, keeping it short and to the point then stood at full height. 

“Hmm,” Mindfang looked unimpressed. “Not your best work.” 

He groaned. Sweeping her up by her armpits, he brought her to level with him. Pressing open her mouth with his thumb against her chin, he gave a more thorough effort. Tangling tongues, he decided she tasted like bubblegum, fruit punch, and a cocktail of other Lana inspired flavors. He’d had enough. 

Giving him a free pass tonight, Mindfang kissed off his lips with an obscene smack, tucking the black bag into his pocket. “Take it easy, sweetheart,” she whispered, staring into his eyes with feigned innocence, “you seem a little _tense._ ”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well this took forever and a day

A deep and wildly painful throbbing in Tav’s skull forced his eyes to open. It was almost as if his brain stem had shriveled up and died and the maggots feasting on it pressed heavily against the bone that kept them in. A deep, pervading pain reverberated up and down his spine. His arms and legs could barely move without sending shooting discomfort directly to his brain. 

_What the Hell happened last night?_

He groaned, rolling over to flip on his lamp, but hissed at the light and quickly turned it back off. The clock read 2:37 and Tav thanked his lucky stars that today was his day off. On his nightstand, someone had left four things for him to discover when he awoke. There was a glass of water, for obvious reasons, along with a bottle of tylenol. Tav was surprised at a crumpled, half emptied pack of reds left behind by this mysterious benefactor, but a folded up piece of torn notebook paper proved by far the most interesting. He ignored his awful headache to reach for, and later read, the note, hoping it would bring to light the events of last night. 

HaD tO jEt. SoRrY tO lEaVe Ya HaNgIn, BuDdY. 

HiT mE uP wHeN tHaT bAdAsS hAnGoVeR cLeArS uP. 

GoT sOmEtHiNg FoR yA. 

\-- gAmZeE :o)

Though the letter was soaked in borderline illiteracy, Tavros smiled. Gamzee had been here and wanted to stay, but couldn’t. But he wouldn’t go without answering a few of Tav’s many questions. He didn’t remember much of anything, but he knew Gamzee had been there, which is a good start.

He sat up abruptly, instantly regretting it when a sharp pang of headache fogged his vision for a long moment. He pressed the heels of his hands to his temples with a groan, trying to hold his splitting head together. When the ringing in his ears subsided, he reached for the glass of water Gamzee had left for him. He hoped it would flush his system out at least a little, enough to hopefully leave this room. 

After popping a few painkillers, downing the water, and taking a brief nap, Tavros woke up again feeling ever so slightly better. His vision took less time to sharpen and focus when he opened his eyes. His head could hold itself together, although it didn’t take kindly to too much movement. But he could leave his bed, and deemed himself ready. Stuffing the cigarettes into his pocket, he ventured out into the house to find more clues. 

The house was immaculate, not a single stain, spill, or smudge in sight. In fact, the house was so clean, that Tavros almost believed that there was no party. He _must’ve_ gotten drunk by himself and Gamzee had just so happened to stop by during the day while he slept. But that didn’t explain the tone of the note he’d left. The only proof of other guests was a fully-clothed Dave Strider asleep on his couch. Tav groaned, shivering at the cold breeze that passed through him. 

“Dave?” he called, but the guy on the couch didn’t move a muscle. “Dave.” Nothing. Making a frustrated sort of sound, Tavros shoved at Dave’s shoulder and practically shouted, “Dave, wake up!” He got his wish, and Dave woke with a start, flying up to a sitting position in a daze. 

“What time is it?”

“It’s like 2:45.”

“Fuck.” Dave ran the back of his hand across his mouth, cleaning off some of the dried blood. “Ugh, I feel like shit,” he groaned. Tav sat beside him. 

“You look like shit,” he concurred casually. “Give me your lighter.” 

Taken aback by Tav’s very unusual behavior, Dave moved slowly, pulling a silver zippo out of his jacket pocket. His eyes widened for a split second at the cigarette hanging precariously from Tav’s mouth like he’d been doing this for years. “You okay?” he questioned. Tavros shrugged, some of his usual self coming through when he lit the end of his cigarette with less finesse than he should have. 

“Hungover,” Tavros replied, holding in the smoke before breathing it out through his nose. “What happened last night?” It took Dave a second to answer. He was caught up in profound confusion as to who corrupted his sweet, innocent little friend and how they did it. He briefly thought about asking, but he hated being interrogated, especially when hungover. If Tavros didn’t remember anything from last night, he was pretty wrecked this morning. So he left it alone for now. 

“Met my dad,” Dave responded. He was sure Tavros meant what had happened at his own house, but Dave wasn’t terribly sure himself. He wasn’t even sure of how he’d come to be here in the first place. Tavros didn’t seem to mind his lack of answers as he filled the living room with clouds of smoke. The weirdness was starting to get to Dave, and he announced his leaving. Tavros thanked him for letting him borrow his lighter, tossing it back without really caring if it actually connected. And with that, Dave was gone. 

Seconds later, the guest room door smacked into the wall, rebounded off of it, and reclosed. Vriska forced a large suitcase out into the living room when she reopened it, growling curses as she marched across the room. 

“What are you doing?” Tavros blurted, a cloud of smoke giving tangibility to his question. Vriska froze mid step. 

“Leaving...” she pointed out, sharp green eyes watching with pure and profound confusion as Tavros smoked on the couch as if he’d been doing it his whole life. She might’ve even been mildly concerned. Tavros made a face. 

“Good,” he spat. He relaxed further into the couch, making it abundantly clear that he would not be helping her with her bags at all. Not only did she deserve this walk of shame, but standing up would be pretty impossible with his head about to explode at any second. But she didn’t have to know that. 

At odds with Tavros, Vriska stood at the other side of the living room, absorbing the irritated glare he gave her. When it became too much for her, she stepped back. She very nearly settled into the chair by the window before Tavros hissed at her from the couch. 

“Is nothing sacred?” He questioned, angry enough to bare his teeth. Vriska froze. “That’s mine. That’s the only thing in this goddamn house that’s mine and mine only.” She stood abruptly, resting her weight on her suitcase handle. Tavros could tell her feet hurt from the ridiculously impractical shoes she’d chosen. She even eyed the empty spot next to him on the couch. “Don’t even think about it,” he growled when she took a cautious step forward.

“I’m sorry, Tavros,” she blurted out, “I shouldn’t have treated you like shit. I shouldn’t treat anyone as badly as I treated you. I know I’m a bitch and you don’t want to listen to my shit, but I’m serious when I say that guy from last night, he’s not a good person to have around.”

“Pfft,” Tavros tried to stand up and storm away in a huff, but even putting his feet on the floor shook his brain around in his skull so hard he groaned. He was trapped. Vriska saw that he couldn’t even move and had to call upon her deepest reaches of self-control not to point out how novice he was at this entire college-age area of life. It wouldn’t be in anyone’s best interest. She really did want to warn him. 

“There’s a lot you don’t know about him. Aranea and Terezi told me everything.”

“Told you what.” Tavros waited, spitefully putting out his cigarette right into the coffee table, leaving a little lightened circle where the varnish burned away. 

“You’d think I was lying.”

“I think you’re lying now.” 

“He’s in deep with some bad people,” she confessed, taking on a grim mood, even for her. “He’s done terrible things to get what he wants. I know you like him, but be careful. You don’t deserve to be manipulated anymore. You never did.”

Tavros went quiet for a moment, pretending to be unaffected. But he couldn’t help but see how Vriska could possibly be right. Every encounter he’d had with Gamzee had ended abruptly, whether it be by a phone call or him simply disappearing. Normal people didn’t do that, did they? But at the same time, Vriska couldn’t said anything and his brain would connect the dots accordingly. He’d always been pretty gullible. It wasn’t fair to assume the worst about Gamzee because of Vriska. 

“Are you done?” he asked, or more so stated, hiding his suspicions by not even looking at her. Vriska hovered for a moment, but there would be no getting to him. He wouldn’t listen to a single word she had to say, and that’s what she got for tricking him so often and so thoroughly. 

“I’ll see you around,” she said, but she knew she wasn’t invited back to even ask how he was doing. She gathered what she could carry, and then she was gone.

* * *

Stopping at a shady convenient store for a lighter, Tavros skulked down the street with his hood up and his eyes on the ground. Sucking thin ghosts into his mouth as he went, he made his way to Seagoats, figuring it was his best shot in finding Gamzee. Vriska’s words still echoed in his mind. No number of mouthfuls of smoke would change what she said. Vriska was many things, both good and horrid, but she was not a liar. Whatever statement she’d make, she believed wholeheartedly, and she didn’t like Gamzee one bit. She’d always had a better bullshit detector than Tavros did, he tried to see the good in people which didn’t always line up with the facts. He didn’t know what to think. 

Walking into a mostly empty bar at 4:19 in the afternoon like some desperate, miserable alcoholic, Tavros was down to one last cigarette. He called Gamzee’s name, wandering into the bar. It was dark towards the back where the stock room was, so he headed in that direction. But the cough of a throat clearing, startled him before he made it too far. He nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound, but after whirling around to investigate, it turned out to be the brother, Kurloz, lounging behind the bar. 

“Oh hey,” Tav greeted, settling down from hyper alert. Kurloz nodded, the stern look on his face letting up a little at the sight of a familiar and unthreatening face. “Is Gamzee here?” Tavros asked, curling into himself just the smallest bit, still unused to such a hard and penetrating stare. Kurloz nodded, pointing a thumb to the back door that lead to the alleyway. If Gamzee was out there, he’d either just arrived or he was out smoking. “Thanks,” Tav said, waving and heading to the back door. 

Kurloz cleared his throat again. 

He waved Tavros to him, not quite done with their conversation. Tav complied with caution, squeezing his lighter and cigarettes hard with his hands buried deep in his pockets, praying that Kurloz wouldn’t notice. 

Watching Tav approach, especially when the light from the storefront windows hit him, it was exactly what he’d thought. He looked pale with dark, exhausted bags under his eyes. He couldn’t look into the light for too long without aggravating a serious headache, and he smell of cheap tobacco clung to his skin and clothes. Kurloz looked him up and down before picking up a pen, sparing Tavros the arduous task of deciphering sign language for the time being. 

**rough night?**

Kurloz had remarkably legible penmanship, bordering on elegant even. 

“O-Oh,” Tavros was a little taken aback, floundering for an answer. He went with the truth. “Uh… yeah, I guess. My-- my roommate had a party and I’m not very tough.” 

Kurloz concurred with a knowing look. 

**you don’t seem like the type to smoke.**

“Shit,” Tav hissed under his breath. “I don’t really, I-- I’ve just had a rough couple of days. I swear I’m not some--” Kurloz stopped him from blowing a defensive fuse by nudging another note across the table. 

**maybe you should go home and rest,** he wrote, then added, **you really don’t look good.**

Tavros looked at the note, an insecure blush coloring his cheeks. Kurloz seemed truly concerned. Tavros didn’t strike him as the same type of person he usually has wandering into the bar looking for his brother. He’d been quiet and shy but not moody and burned out. Frankly, the swift shift in character was startling, especially for someone with a remarkable judge of character. 

Tavros was on the fence. He certainly didn’t _feel_ very well, and he’d be no fun to be around with this raging headache and rough voice. Kurloz could see that he was weighing his options, leaning heavily towards just going home. He’d meet with Gamzee another day. 

Kurloz was definitely pleased at the ease of compliance Tavros seemed to give. The last thing he wanted was to alarm him in any way, but Gamzee was not the influence Tavros needed and it was painfully obvious. He needed to recover from god knew what. Kurloz wrote another note, making doubly sure that Tav would make it all the way home and not be intercepted. 

**I can take you home.**

“Oh I… I can’t put you out like that. I--” Tav trailed off, shaking his head. But just the same as when they first met, Kurloz defied his permanent frown with a genuine smile that softened his whole demeanor. It could cut through the hardest of hearts and most adamant of opinions. It even made it easier to look into his eyes for longer than a few anxious moments. 

“O-Okay,” Tavros agreed, flashing his own shy smile. His hands came out to wring each other out. With it all decided, Kurloz locked up the register and headed for the front door, passing Tavros who had to crane his neck at sheer size. The height difference was almost comical, and Tavros wasn’t really _that_ short. He’d turned to follow Kurloz outside, and almost made it out, but a recognizable boom of laughter from the back door had Tavros feeling guilty. 

“Can I go say hi first?” he asked, standing within the threshold between inside and outside, “I don’t want him to think I’m blowing him off.” Expecting Kurloz to be okay with it, Tav was alarmed when the pleasant calmness he seemed to exude turned black. He wrote him a note. 

**why not**

Holding the note, Tav’s brow furrowed in confusion and maybe a small amount of offense. He’d always thought brother’s were supposed to be cool with each other. That’s how he’d seen Kurloz and Gamzee at first. They seemed to get along just fine. But now Kurloz was _angry_ at the idea of even seeing Gamzee. He didn’t want him to know Tavros was even here. 

“Please?” Tav asked, feeling unnerved. 

Kurloz stopped, his muscles tensing for a fleeting moment, but it was enough to make Tavros take a cautious step back, hiding half his body behind the door for protection. Instead of writing another note on their preexisting conversation, he took out what seemed to be a beat up business card that had been lying at the bottom of his pocket for ages. He flashed it to Tavros, it was a black card with white writing. It had two sides to it, but the one Tav saw read:

**I’d rather you didn’t.**

It must’ve been his go-to card for all the people that asked him questions, assuming the other side said something equivalent to _yes_. Tavros wondered why it didn’t read a simple _No_ , but he figured it was too early in their acquaintanceship for him to ask. 

Kurloz watched as Tav’s eyes grew wet and ten sizes bigger. And suddenly, he was okay with letting Gamzee work this one out, just this once. He waved Tavros off, giving him the go ahead to see Gamzee, hoping to himself that he would be able to break away. But reality was reality. He made his way back behind the bar, getting back to work like nothing ever happened and nothing ever will. Tav thanked him over his shoulder and he headed for the back door, telling him he’d only be gone for a second. 

Peeking out from behind the door, Tavros locked onto Gamzee’s car parked just outside. He was definitely here. Wow, it was a nice car. But that wasn’t important. Shaking off the fog of starstruck awe, Tav peered around the corner looking for Gamzee. He could hear him somewhere off to the side, talking to someone. Taking a few timid steps forward, he put himself further into the alleyway, and Gamzee came into view. He was talking to a rather shady looking individual who’d slipped something into his pocket. 

“Alright, thanks man. Tell Rosie I said hi, will ya?”

The back door clicked shut and Tavros froze, right out in the open and exposed to the people in the alley. But the guy Gamzee was talking to didn’t seem to care, shuffling off without even looking at the kid intruding on their conversation. Gamzee whirled around, grinning wide at Tavros whose soul had left his body. He was just a pale, embarrassed shell. 

“Hey, what it do?” Gamzee greeted happily. With a broad sweep of the arms, he whirled himself around, greeting Tavros with a wide, elated smile. Tav, on the other hand, looked like he was ready to crawl into a hole. He wore the costs of last nights shenanigans heavily on his shoulders but he still managed to dig his way out from under this hangover to see Gamzee. And this delighted Gamzee to no end. 

“H-Hey,” Tav replied sheepishly, willing away a bright red blush. Gamzee certainly noticed that Tavros was _not_ doing well. Yet his moods didn’t change. 

“You good?” he asked as a formality, mostly just stating that he saw that Tavros was unwell. And Tav shrugged his shoulders, trying to forget that horrid throbbing of his brain against his skull. 

“Yeah, I’m just kinda sick,” he played off, looking at the ground to avoid the light, “and Vriska’s moving out and stuff.”

“C’est la vie, amirite?” Gamzee grinned, “Come on, I’ve got something cool for ya.”

He straightened up from bending forward just a smidge to accommodate Tav’s height. Throwing his weight from side to side, he practically skipped to the driver’s seat of his car, anxious to begin the adventure they would go on. He was halfway in the car before Tav’s headache had him reassessing his ability to even stand. 

“Actually,” Tav sighed, “I should go home.” 

Gamzee froze mid-step, then stood up straight to shove his hands in his pockets. “Huh,” he huffed. It wasn’t much of a question, more so a thoughtfulness that he expressed vocally. 

“Yeah I’m not feeling too well and…” Tav trailed off when Gamzee put himself toe to toe with him, standing almost uncomfortably close. Coaxed to look up into Gamzee’s eyes he went quiet for a moment, watched as a thin layer of blue worked to keep big black pupils contained. Gamzee waited patiently for Tav to pick up where he left off, but a dialectically softened tension lurked just under the surface. Without noticing the sudden shift in mood, Tavros found himself floating down into comfortable calmness. 

“You were saying?” 

Like his brain had been wiped clean, Tavros couldn’t remember what he’d been trying to say. Gamzee was all he could see. “I… I don’t remember…” he tried to force the words to come out but he couldn’t focus. No coherent thoughts would form, it was like being trapped in a fog with no discernible path to guide you. 

“Yeah?” Gamzee egged him on, voice just above a whisper. Then his invisible hold on Tavros lifted. Gamzee smiled like nothing had happened, but his voice didn’t change. “Sorry, you’re just… ain’t a thing in the world like you, Tav.” 

“Really?” 

Gamzee nodded, grinning as Tav’s eyes turned to stars. “Come with me,” he beckoned, keeping a gentle but immovable grip on him. He was still so nonchalant, unnervingly casual. 

“Where?” Tavros asked, unaware of the strange lack of genuine cheeriness in Gamzee’s expression. And Gamzee masked it well with a charming smile and a vague gesture. 

“it’s a surprise, motherfucker, I can’t up and tell you.” He shrugged and headed back to his car. “You’ll just have to find out.” Again, Gamzee almost made it into the driver’s seat, but Tavros interrupted with replaced trepidation. 

“But,” he said, throwing a sideways glance back to the door. Tavros felt bad for abandoning Kurloz, especially after he’d offered to take him home. And he really wasn’t feeling well. “I told Kurloz I’d be right back,” he confessed, “he said he’s gonna take me home. It’ll make me feel better--”

The words died in his throat at the look on Gamzee’s face, which was suddenly inches away from his.

Cold, pale blue eyes with mere pinpricks of black dotting the center turned Tavros to stone, rooting him right where he stood. His breath ran short. His blood congealed in his veins. 

“You two timing me with my brother, Tavbro?” Gamzee asked, holding onto that casual easy-going nature he wore on the outside. But the menacing edge of his voice cut through the air like a knife. 

“No!” Tavros barely managed a whisper, “no, I’m not I swear to god, Gamzee.”

“Awesome,” Gamzee stood up straight, shaking off a terrifying shift in mood that left Tavros frozen and ready to cry. “For a sec there, I thought I was gonna have to beat that motherfucker into next week,” Gamzee sighed in relief. Tinges of laughter brightened his voice and expression. His eyes grew dark once again. “Let’s go.”

* * *

Somehow, the drive was quick and rather pleasurable. Gamzee commented on every little thing that he saw and Tavros was content in listening. Tavros watched as the outside world flew past them, and he recognized the neighborhood they cruised through as his own. He wondered for a moment if Gamzee was taking him home-- whether or not Kurloz had told him to-- but they slid into an unfamiliar parking garage a few blocks from Tav’s apartment complex. 

“Welcome to my Evil Lair,” Gamzee crooned in a spooky _Count Von Count_ voice. Tav accidentally let a giggle slip when Gamzee poked his sides, jolting upward and swatting Gamzee in the shoulder. In the struggle, Tav was able to steal a glance or two at an astonishingly tidy high-rise loft. 

“I thought you said this place was messy?” Tavros pointed out, visibly surprised at how clean it was, given Gamzee’s free-living personality. And by free-living, Tav assumed Gamzee lived in a filthy motel room black lights would scream at with nothing but a mattress and a pile of dirty laundry. 

“It was,” Gamzee shrugged, lumbering into the house, “and before you get all mushy, I didn’t clean anything. The maid comes by once a week.” 

Just as Gamzee had expected, Tavros did sigh at the idea that Gamzee cleaned his house just for him to visit. That dream crashed quickly with a flat, disappointed sound at the back of Tav’s throat. He scanned a minimally furnished living room. Part of him wondered if this was even Gamzee’s house. He didn’t _say_ it was his house, but he did say _Evil Lair_ , which sort of implied that it was his house. He said he lived in Boystown, and judging by the perfect view of Halsted Street this was definitely Boystown. 

“Maid?” Tavros asked without paying much attention. While he contemplated newer and newer questions, he seemed to have lost Gamzee completely. With just a lapse in full attention, he was standing alone in the hallway. 

“Kurloz pays her,” Gamzee’s voice called out from behind a mostly-closed door. From here, Tavros could tell the walls were purple. Gamzee stood just inside his bedroom, looking around for something on the floor. But just as Tavros made his approach, Gamzee was standing at full height, having retrieved what he’d been looking for with notable speed. “She’s actually a friend of our mom’s,” Gamzee explained, standing in the doorway. He’d shed the jacket he always wore even though Tavros remembered that he didn’t really need it. “She isn’t exactly legal if ya get me, so if we can forget about her that’d be amazing.”

“Oh. Yeah, okay,” Tavros agreed. It wasn’t really his business anyway. 

“Here.” Gamzee’s hands slipped from his pockets. One of them held a small plastic bag with a little white square inside, printed with a magic eight ball. The zip at the top of the bag opened easily, and Gamzee went for the little square within. It stuck to the end of his finger. “Open up,” he said.

“What is--” before he could even protest, Gamzee had somehow managed to wiggle the little square between his lips and onto his tongue, eight-ball side down. 

“Let it melt,” Gamzee prompted. Tavros made a face at the bitterness of whatever was seeping through into his bloodstream. The eight-ball transfered onto his tongue like a temporary tattoo. The rest of the square melted into nothing, leaving a numb spot in the center of Tav’s tongue. Gamzee smiled, but didn’t seem to be joining Tavros in whatever he was taking. 

“You’re not doing it too?” Tav had to ask. 

“Someone’s gotta keep you safe,” Gamzee replied a little more ominously than he’d intended. Tavros looked a little worried. “Hey, you can trust me. I won’t hurt you.”

* * *

Maybe thirty minutes later, Tav and Gamzee were in Gamzee’s room. Gamzee tuned a beautiful guitar effortlessly, all twelve strings singing like a chorus of angels, and Tavros stared at the wall in a trance. Chewing on a standard black guitar pick that had seen better days, Gamzee sent a sideways glance in Tav’s direction and saw that he wasn’t blinking. This was to be expected. 

“Tav, you doing okay?” he asked. Tavros nodded slowly, staring intently at a large elaborate mandala painted on the opposite wall. Gamzee looked back and forth between Tav and his wall. It was starting. He shifted closer, joining Tavros in the middle of his bed. “What do you see?”

“The walls,” Tav replied slowly, “they’re… swirling.” 

The gentle turning and undulating of the environment was the first sign of the trip beginning. Gamzee settled in, forgetting his guitar so he could focus all his attention on Tavros, just in case the trip went to Hell or he decided to try to fly. 

“It’s about to get weird,” Gamzee informed, not so much as a warning but as an important fact that Tav had to be ready for. This wouldn’t be like anything he’d ever experienced before. 

..

An hour later, Tavros looked up at Gamzee with round, starry eyes. His hands relaxed into loose fists just over his heart as he watched spectacular fireworks explode into millions of stars just inside Gamzee’s eyes. Every once in awhile, he’d gasp and his smile would widen in awe. With Tav’s head in his lap, Gamzee couldn’t help but smile at the innocent, blissful look in his eyes. Knowing that he put it there put a smile on his face, to which Tavros gasped like it was the most lovely thing he’d ever seen. 

“You good?” Gamzee asked, so curious to know what sort of things Tav was seeing. 

“Gamzee,” he let out a breathy little sigh, “you’re a prince.” Gamzee’s smile widened to an all out grin. 

“Really?” Tavros nodded insistently. “Fucking sweet.”

..

“Whoa!”

Tavros caught at least five feet of air, jumpscared so badly that he scrambled to hide behind Gamzee from some invisible dinosaur or something. And Gamzee had been laughing so hard for so long that he feared his muscles would freeze up. That would be an interesting conversation to have with his chiropractor. 

For what seemed like hours, Tavros had been hiding from zombies, chasing a tail he didn’t have, shooting lasers from his eyes and his fingertips. Gamzee was amazed at how easy he was to take care of during a trip. He hadn’t once tried to leave his bedroom. He hasn’t broken anything. He hasn’t accused Gamzee of being something or someone else, which was always annoying. He was a perfect burnout, all the entertainment and bonding and none of the difficulties. And seeing the awe, the happiness, the curiosity, and the excitement run through Tav’s mind as he explored his perfect world made Gamzee so proud, proud for no real reason. He wasn’t doing anything, but he was proud nonetheless. 

Tavros had tired out after playing hide and seek with six or seven clones, and curled up in Gamzee’s lap to watch him speak. Every word about nothing in particular floated out of his mouth like closed captioning and it utterly astonished Tavros. The words even _smelled_ good. 

“And that’s when my brother forced me to donate all the bike horns to a local carnival, I mean what a dick amirite?” Gamzee turned his gaze over to Tavros who had a strange, hungry look in his eyes, like he was standing outside a bakery, forced to see and smell all the pastries within for too long. “You okay?” he asked, quietly noting the hundredth time he’d asked the same question in the span of nearly three hours. 

He abruptly reached up to Gamzee’s face, but the edge of his sleeve caught on the silver ring in his nose, josling it just a bit but causing no pain. Interrupted in whatever thought process he was in, Tavros suddenly gasped, eyes going wide and shocked as they crossed to look at his nose. He sprang up from Gamzee’s lap and bounded across the room like he’d been electrocuted. Gamzee was alarmed, but remained quiet, watching Tav’s hands try and grab the small ring with all ten fingers. 

“What is it?! What is it?!” Tavros screeched, unbelievably curious about this shiny thing in his face. Gamzee had to stifle a laugh, unable to remember the last time _he_ was the normal one. 

“A hook, I think,” he offered an explanation. 

“Am I a fish?” Tavros fiddled with the ring nestled in his nose, turning it about. “I’m caught, Gamzee, I’m caught!” 

“I know.”

With a face-splitting smirk exaggerating the paint-blot smile printed into his skin, Gamzee peered over a pantomimed fishing rod. Tavros gasped, feeling the tug of the line at his nose, reeling him in. With slow and steady reels, Gamzee drew him in, amazed at how real this was for Tav the Fish. Of course he was small, had nothing in his system, and it was his first time, but this trip seemed jam-packed with fascinating twists and turns. He had to look away when Tavros was crawling across the bed and right into his lap. He settled back against Gamzee’s knees, deciding to drape useless arms around his shoulders. 

“You got me,” he said with the utmost seriousness. He was even vaguely concerned. “Are you gonna eat me?” he asked.

Gamzee raised his eyes to the corner of the ceiling with a contemplative look on his face. “I’m thinking about it.” He shrugged. Tav’s worry grew from vague to immediate and pressing, much to Gamzee’s riveted delight. 

“I don’t taste very good!” Tavros tried to dissuade him, looking back and forth between right eye and left, unable to settle on just one. 

“Oh?” Gamzee challenged. To prove his point, he licked a slobbery line across Tav’s cheek, grinning at the disgusted, squeally giggle he got in return. “I’d say you taste just fine.” Gamzee added to his challenge, a note of cocky pride soaking through. But Tavros didn’t respond, eyes riveted to Gamzee’s mouth. Fingers that knew no shame whatsoever pressed against his bottom lip, wiggling their way into his mouth for no apparent reason. Tavros watched himself scrape his nails down against Gamzee’s tastebuds, seemingly enthralled by the way it looked. Simply because, and without any further reasoning. 

Swallowing, Gamzee’s jaw consequently tightened and he scraped his teeth along Tav’s fingers. Tavros shrieked and pulled his hand away, genuinely afraid of Gamzee trying to eat him. And he wasn’t wrong to assume he would. 

Lacking any sort of impulse control, Gamzee brought them together for a brash and maybe even a little misaimed kiss. Tavros panicked for a fleeting moment, assuming that Gamzee was going to eat him, but it wasn’t so. He vaguely remembered rolling tongues with another rough and impulsive mouth, but he wasn’t quite sure of any of the context, or even who’s it was. All that was certain was that Gamzee searched over his tongue and teeth for something, separating for air with a firm brush over the roof of his mouth. 

“You taste like peanut butter or something?” Gamzee observed, flustered from multiple different angles, “I don’t know but it’s mega weird.” Tavros tried to apologize, but Gamzee swallowed a confused stammer before it had the chance to form any coherent thought. 

The same euphoric, amnesiatic calmness voided Tav’s brain. Nothing existed on this plane of existence much the same as that moment in Seagoat’s parking lot. He gave in easily, pathetically easily, sighing absolute content. Heady with unexplainable compliance, Tavros simply gave in and let Gamzee do what he liked. He’d effectively removed the word _no_ from Tav’s vocabulary for the second time that day. 

“But I like it,” Gamzee reassured, keeping his voice low to mask the speed in which he got away from himself. Already breathing raggedly, he whispered his praise between bruising kisses. 

Tav’s heart beat out of his chest, sending waves of hallucination through his veins which distorted his already confusing reality into downright strangeness. He couldn’t breathe, but he knew somehow that the air was poisonous gas that Nazi Zombies were pumping into the room, and the cure lived inside Gamzee himself. But the crushing grip at his waist was getting to him. Something about not having to worry about what to do, not owning the responsibility for the next moves, was so new and long awaited that it grew to be too much too soon. 

Having to physically push Gamzee away and hold him at bay to catch his breath, Tavros was shaking. “I know where this is going.” His lungs heaved. "I don't think-- I can't... wait anymore." For a moment, Gamzee was very calm, very serious. But he quickly came out of it just to see the look on Tav's face. 

“Nah,” Gamzee mocked, screwing up an already unruly mohawk. He chuckled at the state Tav was in. He didn’t think acid affected people like this, Tav was ready to cry or pass out, but it did different things to different people he supposed. “I can’t. I’ll get attached,” he shrugged, nuzzling their noses together. 

“That’s okay,” a small voice said, lilting high into the top of Tav’s register. 

The smile on Gamzee’s face fell. Wide, swimming eyes stared at him, mere inches away. They were focused and so sure and so clear in their display of Tav’s emotions that there was no denying. 

“I love you,” he said confidently. Taking Gamzee completely by surprise. The corners of his mouth turned up in a vain attempt to hide a wave of nervousness that very nearly showed through. 

“Love you too, little buddy.” Gamzee dropped his eyes to the floor to his right, trying to play this off as casually as possible but Tavros persisted. 

“No really,” he insisted. Gluing a hand to either side of Gamzee’s face, he forced their eyes to meet. He could tell no lies. Tavros believed himself wholeheartedly. Gamzee could see thought after thought forming right before his eyes through the window of Tav’s clear gaze. Gamzee cursed under his breath, even his nervous smile falling. As quickly as the confidence came, it went, dragging hot, blushing panic behind it. “Is that bad?”

“No, no,” Gamzee swiftly disagreed, feeling his own face starting to get hot. He wasn’t much of a blusher thankfully. He calmed the anxiety forming storm clouds in Tav’s mind, absentmindedly running his fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. Gamzee still couldn’t look at him. “No. It’s not _bad_... it’s a miracle.”

The warm smile that light up Tav’s face put a sick feeling in the pit of Gamzee’s stomach. 

“What do you see?” he tried to change the subject. 

“You.”

“How many of me..?”

“Just one,” Tav’s head grew too heavy for him to hold up on his own. “I think it’s over,” he observed, nudging his nose into the crook of Gamzee’s neck. Waved of exhaustion were strong and swift, carrying away the reserves of energy Tavros thought would never go away. Rapidly falling asleep, Tavros settled in right on top of Gamzee, trapping him. Gamzee tried to move him, at least just to get a little more comfortable, but Tavros protested with a sleepy whine. 

“You’re killin’ me, Smalls,” Gamzee groaned, lifting Tavros out of his lap like he weighed nothing at all. The loss of warmth was definitely not preferred. “Get some rest okay?” he encouraged. With an arm under his shoulders and an arm under his knees, Gamzee held him close, watching as Tav’s eyelids grew heavier and heavier. 

“When… when can I see you again?” Tavros whispered, fighting the exhaustion as hard as he could.

Gamzee swallowed. “Soon…”

Tav’s eyes peeled open, though his entire body seemed to protest the effort to stay awake. 

“Promise?”

Gamzee flashed that same charming smile. 

“Promise.”

Strong arms carried Tavros out of the bedroom, sleeping soundly and comfortably. He pressed his palms to Gamzee’s sternum, absorbing his warmth and comfort like a small child carried to bed after a long and eventful day. Gamzee took great care not to disturb him, taking silent, cautious steps out of the room and into the hall. He made for the door, but froze when he noticed it was slightly ajar. 

A shifting sound in the kitchen had him whipping around to put eyes on his intruder. Tavros fussed in his arms, his breath quickening and brows furrowing in discontent. But he remained asleep, and Gamzee thanked the gods. He paced into the kitchen, silent as a ghost. There was a glass on the counter that he didn’t remember putting there. But there was no other signs of life besides himself. So he slowly turned around, dismissing the glass for now. But as soon as he made it all the way around, he found himself face to face with a stern pair of icy eyes. 

“Fuck man,” Gamzee sighed, shaking off jumpy fear. Kurloz was unimpressed. He looked down at Tavros in Gamzee’s arms, then back to his face. “What,” Gamzee questioned rather defensively. 

**What happened?** Kurloz signed, wondering why Gamzee was smuggling this kid out of his house like he kidnapped him from a park. But Kurloz knew what was going on. He’d seen the signs, seen this happen so many times to so many people. Asking Gamzee what he was doing was merely a formality. Perhaps it would show him that this was wrong, maybe he’d change his mind. But it never worked. 

“Took a trip,” Gamzee replied vaguely, “it wore him out. So what?” He started forward, prepared to shove Kurloz out of the way, but that wasn’t realistic. Kurloz stood between Gamzee and the door, fully prepared for any altercations. He could apologize for any injury Tavros may sustain if he’s dropped; he couldn’t apologize for any life changing heartbreak. 

**You’re going to drop him off at home and pretend it didn’t happen?** Kurloz questioned and kept his statements pretty literal. 

“How long have you been here?” Gamzee shot back, “What did you hear?” His heart was starting to beat harder in his chest and Tavros could feel it. He fought the depths of exhausted sleep, making a fuss in Gamzee’s arms, but quiet hushing lulled him back into calmness. 

**I heard enough.**

Both narrowed their eyes to cold, combative slits. Gamzee locked his jaw up tight, trying to swallow the intense anger that shook his vocal chords. His heartbeat ramped up even further. Even his body seemed to raise in temperature. But Kurloz stood completely still, an unmovable wall. 

**You can’t do that to this one.** he signed. **He’s not strong enough. He won’t understand.**

“Well he can’t stay here,” Gamzee growled. Shivers of pent up energy shook out of him with such ferocity that picture frames on the wall nearby had begun to quake too. 

**Why not?** Kurloz protested. His hands slowed, forming his thoughts with caution. Tavros, tenuously asleep, whined at the painfully tight grip at his shoulders. He even tried to swat at Gamzee’s hand but lacked the energy to do so. With every second that went by, Gamzee’s eyes got bluer and bluer as his blood moved fast in his veins. And Gamzee noticed how quickly his body prepared for a fight. He held his breath, halfheartedly attempting to starve his blood of the oxygen it needed. 

**How… long has it been?** Glancing down for a quick second, Kurloz checked his little brother for fresh track marks, and came up empty. The look on Gamzee’s face had faded out from anger. He swallowed nervously. 

“Six days,” he responded. Immediately, Kurloz started forward to steal Tavros from his arms. For just this once, he was glad that Gamzee had planned so meticulously. He gave him just enough to knock him out as soon as the high dissipated. It was a dirty trick, as conniving as Gamzee could get. But his intentions were anything but sinister, and Tavros didn’t awaken in the transfer. 

“I thought I had more time!” He tried to defend himself, but Kuroz was already headed for the door. “Kurloz, please!”

 **I can’t let you keep doing this to people, especially not him,** Kurloz had to spell out with one hand. The translation was choppy, but Gamzee understood. He recognized the conversation. 

“He said he loved me,” he very nearly whispered, now visibly concerned with everything that was happening. How did it get so out of hand so quickly? _Why_ did it get so out of hand so quickly?

 **Do you love him back?**

Once or twice, Gamzee’s mouth opened, but no sound came forth. 

**Then you understand.**


	10. Chapter 10

It’s been 42 days. 

Just 42 days ago, Gamzee was happily watching Tavros Nitram bound across his bedroom floor in search of six or seven hallucinated clones. He was contented in sitting and watching for the first time. The urge to participate didn’t even come to mind like it always did. He felt good, cautiously hopeful about his situation. Maybe he didn’t need to get high so much. The rush of pure, unadulterated joy was enough. 

But Tavros had to leave. 

**I won’t let you do this, especially not to him.**

Now, Gamzee barely left the house. Kurloz had invited himself in to stay for a while because he could tell that it was getting bad again. He had grown so accustomed to the warning signs and red flags that he had no other choice but to protect as many people as possible. The best way to do that was to keep Gamzee contained. 

Coming home late from work was a rare occurrence these days, but Kurloz had had a long day. The sun had long since run for the hills, leaving the city to generate its own light for the evening. Billions of high-rise windows illuminated the night sky, drowning out the stars as the occupants of millions of apartments continued their days unhindered by the fallen sun. But the loft on the northeast corner of Belmont and Halsted shed no light, leaving in a cold, ominous darkness that contrasted the life brimming just outside. 

Kurloz unlocked the door, coming home with heavy steps and loud interactions with average household objects like bags, couches, and coat hangers to announce his arrival. But no one rushed to the door to greet him or hissed at the lights he flicked on. It almost seemed like no one was home. 

_BANG!_

A loud noise shook the quiet loft, earsplitting, but not like a gunshot or any high-power, automatic weapons Kurloz could think of. He dropped everything he held and made straight for the bedroom at the end of the hall. 

_BANG! BANG!_

Hurrying now, Kurloz stood just outside the door to hear another loud bang that landed square in the center of the door. In the dim light, Kurloz could see the glint of an oyster knife protruding from the wood. He knocked on the door, opening it just a fraction of an inch before it slammed back shut right in his face, the reverb of the door on its hinges accompanied by the bang of another knife. Had Kurloz actually opened the door, the blade would’ve caught him right between the eyes. 

Kurloz tentatively knocked on the door again with no response from his brother lurking within with a handful of oyster knives. The silence that stretched between them was more than uncomfortable, but Kurloz was patient. When the unsettling tension in the air let up a bit, Kurloz opened the door enough to see inside. 

It was dark, as was the entire house. But even in the dark, Kurloz could see the way Gamzee’s eyes caught the light, glowing with stirring rage that gathered wind inside him like a tornado. He sat opposite the door with the last two knives from the set in his hand, glaring hard at his brother. 

“If you don’t get the fuck away from me right now,” Gamzee threatened through his teeth, “You’re gonna have a bad time.” He tossed another knife in the general direction of the door, seemingly careless as to where it hit, but his aim was clear and precise, lodging the blade a half inch into the doorframe just to the left of his brother’s face. 

Closing the door behind him, Kurloz retreated with widened eyes and worried sigh. It was worse than he thought. Almost immediately after nearly dying at the hands of his brother, his phone buzzed. 

**Vantas:** IS HE GOOD TO COVER FOR SOLLUX?

 _BANG!_

**Kurloz:** DeFiNe GoOd.

 **Vantas:** SHE NEEDS HIM FOR TWO HOURS TOPS.

Kurloz let out a frustrated, silenced groan and approached Gamzee’s bedroom. This time, he could hear a warning growl before he even touched the door. But he opened it anyway, enough to display both hands and protect the rest of him from flying knives. As quickly and clearly as he could he signed:

 **Want to go for a walk? Fresh air?**

“Piss off, Kurloz!”

He swiftly closed the door just as Gamzee hurled another knife straight at him, the edge of the blade caught on one of his fingers, slicing him good even after the door was closed. 

**Kurloz:** I rEaLlY dOn’T tHiNk It’S a GoOd IdEa... 

**Vantas:** BE THERE IN FIVE. WE’LL GO FROM THERE.

Kurloz shrugged. Once Karkat had something set in his mind, there was no stopping him. So Kurloz settled for waiting around in the living room until he arrived. Gamzee didn’t leave his room or make any sound. He didn’t even get up to retrieve the knives lodged in the door and drywall. Before too long, Karkat was banging on the front door, and later Gamzee’s door. 

“Gamzee, open this fucking door,” he called in his usual bitter mood. Gamzee was quiet for a moment, taken aback by Karkat’s presence. The last time they’d spoken was outside Tav’s apartment, and that was months ago. 

Standing up after sitting for hours, Gamzee shambled over to the door, opening it up just enough to see that Karkat was absolutely livid. 

“Fuck you want,” he grumbled. From behind the door, Karkat rolled his eyes so hard that they could’ve stuck like that. 

“Fang needs you.” 

Gamzee moved to shut the door. Karkat stopped it with a foot, but knew better than to wiggle his way between the door and the wall. 

“Forty-five minute set then you’re done,” he tried to convince him. “Please, Gamzee. If she calls me Karkitty one more time I’ll shoot myself with a marshmallow gun until I die.” 

“What was that you said?” Gamzee pretended to think. “Cut him loose or you’re out? You’re done?” 

Karkat’s jaw dropped. “What you’re still bitching about that kid!? Is _that_ why you let yourself go? Did he leave you or something?” 

With a firm shove to the middle of Karkat’s chest, Gamzee pushed him out of his doorway, promptly slamming the door shut right in his face. 

“Look, I don’t need your bullshit right now!!”

“Get lost, Karkitty.”

“GAMZEE!!!”

Karkat pounded on the door as hard as he could, but Gamzee wasn’t opening up. After many colorful, tasteless words had spilled from Karkat’s lips with such rage and ferocity, Kurloz had had enough. Approaching a rapidly exhausting Karkat who’s hurling fists had grown slower and less severe as time went on, Kurloz gave him a tap, turned him around, and proposed his plan. Karkat nodded his understanding, turning back to the door to reason with Gamzee. 

“We can invite him,” he said, doing his best to suck all the anger out of his voice. “We can invite Tavros to the set.”

“Really..?”

“Yeah.” Karkat looked back at Kurloz with amazement. “Get your shit. She wants the twelve and the Gibson. We’ll call him right now.”

“Fine.” 

Karkat praised the gods with a silent _Thank you, Jesus_ mouthed at the ceiling. Both Karkat and Kurloz made their way into the living room, agreeing that Gamzee needed some fresh air. Maybe he’d have fun. Maybe he’d forget that they’d agreed to call Tavros and invite him into the jaws of the wrong side of town. Maybe he’d never notice that he’d never come.

* * *

It’s been 42 days. 

42 days, 215 hard-earned dollars, and 26 packs of Marlboro reds. And there will be a 27th and 9 less dollars before the day is out. Tavros stood behind a glass counter filled to the brim with Deadpool figurines with middle-finger action. He slumped over the surface of the counter, eyes drooping. Today marked another slow day at work, and another day that Gamzee was missing. 

All those weeks ago, Tavros had woken with a start and found himself in his apartment nestled deep in Amelia's comforting arms. Her crush velvet upholstery itched at his skin. He felt jittery, lost, and utterly flummoxed as to how he’d gotten home. He sat up, found his cell phone on the coffee table, and scanned his contacts to call Gamzee and get this confusion sorted out. Halfway down the list, he remembered that they’d never exchanged phone numbers. Tavros groaned, his heart beginning to beat faster at the panic. He was home alone, Vriska had moved out. He had no idea what had happened and he had no one to talk to.

The very next day, he made it a point to stop by Seagoats directly after work, stopping only to buy a fresh pack of cigarettes on the way. But when he approached the front doors of the bar, he couldn’t recognize any of the workers. Karkat wasn’t there. Kurloz wasn’t there. And, most importantly, Gamzee was nowhere to be seen. He walked passed at least twice a week, even going so far as to adjust his walking route to pass the bar on his way to and from work. He even stopped in at the House of Blues, looking for a tall, dopey clown at the bar. 

“I’m taking a break,” Tav announced halfheartedly to the underling he was training. She was a lovely girl; sandy blonde hair, blue eyes, a sprinkling of freckles across the bridge of her nose. Her name was Melody, or something like that. He didn’t quite remember. He found it hard to focus without taking a break every hour on the hour to smoke and wonder what it was that he did wrong or if Vriska had been right all this time. 

“You’re going to ruin your skin,” Melody warned, flashing a motherly look of concern his way. But she didn’t protest, as she knew she was a mere employee and Tavros had earned his right as manager. 

Tav shrugged his shoulders, making his way to the back door. The air was crisp, right on the cusp of freezing over into bitter wind. Tav’s cheeks and nose turned red on impact, but he chose to ignore it. He felt like he was underwater. He floated through space out into the alley, barely able to hear the sounds of the night life coming out to play. The world around him blurred into basic shapes and tones as he lit the end of his seventh cigarette today and sucked in a little breath of white smoke, exhaling it through his nose. 

Gradually, his vision cleared. His head felt less swollen and foggy. He could think a little clearer, but the conclusions he’d come to were the same. Telling Gamzee he loved him was a mistake. He couldn’t control himself, he’d been up in the clouds. But even after it all faded to mere memory, Tavros couldn’t bring himself to regret it. Even though it was definitely not the right time to say so, he believed it for himself. He loved him. And the realization alone was enough to send him spiraling into perplexity and serious anxiety. The last thing he wanted was to offend Gamzee, to drive him away. But there was no other explanation. Gamzee wouldn’t just abandon him… right?

Halfway through his break, Tav’s phone vibrated to life in his pocket. He groaned at the idea of having to talk to someone, especially when ruminating in this abysmal, sorrowful loneliness. But he took a glance at the screen just to be sure it wasn’t an emergency. Oddly enough, he didn’t recognize the phone number.

“H-Hello…?” he spoke in a small voice. No response. 

Suddenly, Tavros couldn’t breathe. He choked on a mouthful of smoke, coughing up a lung right into the receiver. It couldn’t be. There was no way.

“Gamzee…?” 

The call dropped.

* * *

With a heavy guitar case slung over his shoulder like it was nothing, Gamzee reluctantly made his way into a cramped, dark rock club on the wrong side of town. The air was thick with smoke and fumes from less than legal activity in the corners of the room. The bar was open and busy, selling out fast courtesy of Seagoats. At the back of his mind, Gamzee was a little impressed with Kurloz’ resourcefulness. Gamzee could be let out for a while under supervision, and Kurloz could take home a few pretty pennies for his troubles. Being out of the loft served Gamzee’s mood well. The unfounded anger building up in his system dissolved a little. He just might be able to relax for a while. 

Along the back wall of the club, a few familiar faces were setting up for a bluesy, jazz-type set. It fit the appeal of this smokey nightclub like a glove. And where there was mysterious jazz, there was Mindfang. 

“My favorite clown!” She cheered at the sight of her replacement along with his entourage. With a sharp heel on a stool, she adjusted tall black stockings, pulling them up into place and securing them with a garter. Looking up with dark, wide eyes behind her glasses, she finished fussing with her stockings, sauntered over, and threw her arms around him. 

“Hittin’ the poles, Mindfang?” Gamzee couldn’t hide a small, mocking smile. “You look like a streetwalker.” 

“I _am_ a streetwalker,” she corrected with an unladylike adjustment of a much too tight bustier. “Come here,” she beckoned, ignoring the distrusting sneer on Karkat’s face, “I want you to meet my new girlfriend.” 

“Didn’t know you swung that way,” he observed rather curiously. He followed her to the green room to the left of the stage, if one could call it that, it was more so a haphazard chaos of wires and mic stands. 

“What makes you say that?” she asked, legs perfectly straight as she bent to fish something out of her bag. 

“Really wanna go there?” Gamzee shook his head, she was unbelievable sometimes. Mindfang snickered, mostly to herself, and found what she was looking for just in time for Gamzee to realize that there was no one else in the room for him to meet. She turned to face him right as his brows furrowed in cautious confusion. But when he opened his mouth to ask what was up when he noticed a small, half burned out joint between two of her fingers. 

“She’s super chill,” she drawled, grinning as he got the joke and praised the gods for this wonderful girl. Finally, a reprieve from withdrawal Hell. Suddenly, she was up in the air, squealing in Gamzee’s arms. With no shame or trepidation whatsoever, he fished out the lighter she always kept between her breasts, stealing the joint from her as well. 

“Hey! What the fuck, aren’t you gonna buy me dinner first?” she protested with a delighted smile. She clinged to Gamzee’s shoulders, digging little grooves into his skin with her nails. 

Gamzee frowned dramatically, “How long have I known you?” Mindfang scoffed. Sucking in a cloud of skunky smoke, Gamzee blew it right in her face, smiling as he did so. She made a fuss, fanning it out of her face like she was too good for such vulgar behavior. Gamzee put her back down on the floor, feeling a little more like himself with every drag. Mindfang could see it too, the playful smirk curling her lips sinking into a concerned frown. 

“Gosh, Gamzee,” she observed, tracing her fingers down the length of one of his arms, “you’re so tense.” 

Gamzee shrugged, shedding an unneeded jacket. “I’ve had a lot on my mind.” Someone, most likely Karkat, pounded on the door with unnecessary ferocity, yelling at them to quit whatever they were doing to start the set. “Thanks, Fang,” Gamzee flashed a genuine smile on his way out. She waved him off, lingering in the green room. 

“Anytime, Darling,” she called after him. But when the door closed, her cheerfulness darkened into a menacing simper. Retrieving her cell phone from the secret pocket she kept it in, she dialed up a phone number she’d never had to call before. She let it ring until someone picked up. 

“H-Hello…? ...Gamzee…?”

* * *

Tavros wandered the streets of the music district, frantically searching for signs of Gamzee, Kurloz, even seeing Karkat would put his mind at ease. He’d stopped by Seagoats, he waited for a solid 30 minutes, but no one he recognized came to work. He made the trek to the House of Blues and came up empty handed. He’d even come close to asking passers-by if they’d seen anyone resembling a roughed up, gangly clown, but his nerves were so shot and anxious that he couldn’t speak a word. Tavros wandered the streets of the music district, frantically searching for signs of Gamzee, but managed to get himself horribly lost. 

He looked down at his phone, displaying the unknown phone number that had called him and started this stressful mess. He didn’t recognize it no matter how much he tried. But it was definitely a local number, sharing the same area code with Tav himself. He’d almost done this several times before, but now he was desperate. Taking a breath for courage, he called the number back. 

From the other end of the line, a voice sang.

_Summertime, and the living is easy…_

It sounded so close to him, so vivid and real that he found himself looking around, checking his surroundings for watchful eyes. 

_Fish are jumping… and the cotton is high…_

The sound of a crowd humming not only played from the receiver of his phone, but it caught in his ear as well. A perfect match. 

_Oh, your daddy’s rich… and your ma is good looking…_

Suddenly, Tav was moving fast, trailing the sound of the crowd, using the clue this stranger was leaving him to locate the source of the singing. 

_So hush, little baby… Don’t you cry…_

He was convinced that Gamzee would be there. He could feel it in his bones, and it only made him walk faster. That is, until he walked right into someone, knocking them off their feet. Tavros vaguely registered the growl of the person he assaulted as he took in where he’d ended up; outside a small venue called _Martyrs_. Inside, a small crowd applauded the band on stage. 

“Ow! Watch where you’re going, cumstain!” Tavros was forced back to reality when a very disgruntled voice caught his attention. He came back to his senses. 

“O-Oh, I’m sorry, I--” the words died in his throat. 

Boiling rage reduced to a simmer as Karkat looked back at Tavros with an equal amount of shock. But, as was expected, Karkat was the first to speak, and he wasn’t happy to see Tavros at all. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” he demanded to know. Tavros opened his mouth to explain but Karkat cut him off. “You shouldn’t be here, Tavros. Get the hell outa dodge.”

“But--” 

“No!” Karkat roared, attracting a few pairs of eyes, “Listen to me for once! You can NOT be here! Just go!” 

“I’m so close!” Tavros wailed back, nearly shaking with anticipation and six weeks worth of repressed anxiety. “Karkat, please. Did you call me just to yell at me? Why didn’t you just do it over the phone like a normal person?!” 

Quickly falling into thorough confusion, Karkat’s angry warning paused for the moment. Tavros really was shaking now. His eyes were dark and sunken. His skin was clammy. He was jittery beyond belief. And he thought Karkat had called him.

“I didn’t call you,” Karkat flat out denied, finding it eerie that he’d promised Gamzee he would, didn’t, but somehow Tavros had been called anyway. 

“You didn’t?” Tavros adopted the same look of confusion. “Well… do you know who did?” he asked, “cuz whoever it was, they led me here…” Tav trailed off, shifting his eyes every which way. It made Karkat wary, and maybe even a little paranoid. 

“What are you on?” he demanded rudely, taking a step backward, “you look like shit.” 

“N-Nothing, I… I’m just kinda stressed out.” 

Karkat widened his eyes and took another step back, “uh huh…” 

“Is. Is he--” Tav tripped over his words, looking into the venue but only seeing a sliver of the stage through the crack in the door. “Is he in there?” he asked. Tav looked like he would cry or break down if he didn’t get the answer he was looking for. Karkat didn’t want to be there when that happened, so he shook his head, sighing at the absolutely ridiculous situation he’d found himself in. 

“You know what?” he said, “yeah. He is. You’ll see him pretty quickly.” Tavros rushed forward all but running for the door, but Karkat stopped him one more time. “Hey. Stay in the back,” he warned, “and don’t let anyone see you. Especially Gamzee.” 

..

Walking into the venue was like walking into a veil of fog. Tavros could barely see an inch from his nose, but luckily it was all he needed. With the assistance of the lights, he could see where the stage was, and where the bar was, but the centerspace was a vague, smokey mess. 

Off to the side, Tav saw a small circle of people surrounding a guy and a girl in some kind of face off. They were doing something with their hands, gesturing at the speed of light, eyes burning into one another as the crowd cheered them on. They got faster and faster, incorporating both hands, until the guy tripped up and had to stop. The crowd applauded the victor with claps and quiet cheers. The loser lifted the girl up to his eye level, rewarding her speed and dexterity with a loving kiss. 

“Oh, looks like Meow-lin won the speed round.” 

A voice stole Tav’s attention as he reached for his pockets for another cigarette-- everyone else was doing it, and he really needed one. It was the same voice from the phone, coming from center stage. He immediately recognized her, Mindfang, Vriska’s sister. 

“Better luck next time, Kurloz,” she winked in the couple’s direction. The girl smirked, sticking her tongue out and flashing a familiar devil horns sign. Kurloz merely shrugged, kissing the girl’s cheek. A loving display of affection was enough to make Tavros smile, but he had to back away into the shadows, afraid of what might happen if Kurloz discovered him. If one thing was certain, Karkat wasn’t a liar. He warned Tav to stay hidden for a reason. 

“I’d like to thank my knight in shining armor for saving my day,” Mindfang continued, sighing into the microphone. Her eyelids hung heavily over bright green eyes, shaping a predacious feline stare that penetrated the fog. Tav’s heart beat quickened; he could’ve sworn she was looking _right at him._ “Ladies and Gentlemen, Gamzee Makara.”

Tavros choked on a mouthful of smoke. 

There he was, leaned up against the wall, holding that 12 string guitar and smoking a joint without a care in the world. The minimal light blurred away the scars that ran across his face, making it seem like they were never there. The white patches on his face formed a happy smile made happier still by the grin that split his face in half. 

“Stop, I’ll blush.” He swatted the air before him, hushing the applause from the crowd. 

“Anything special you wanna say, Gamzee?” Mindfang encouraged, darting her eyes in Gamzee’s direction before bringing them back to burn right between Tav’s eyes. “Any special someone waiting for you in the audience?” 

“Yeah.” Gamzee pushed off the wall and made his way to Mindfang and her mic on unsure legs. His blood pressure had plummeted so low, he could barely keep standing, so he kept his message short. “Anyone owning a shitty white Mazda Protege, you’re up and about to get towed.” The audience laughed at a comical shrug Gamzee made, he was obviously joking. “Also. Shout out to the dumb motherfucker who made me up and leave my crib for this shitty ass shit. On the count of three say ‘Fuck you, Sollux!’ One, two three!”

“Fuck you, Sollux!” 

“Fucking asshole!”

“How dare you actually try to succeed in life!”

Gamzee threw an arm around Mindfang’s shoulders, burying his face in the crook of her neck. 

“Fang’s pretty cool too, y’know. So her also. Okay! I’m done.”

“Are you sure?” Mindfang purred, eyes locked on Tavros. 

Just seeing Gamzee brought on floods of everything Tav had been numb to since he’d disappeared. He wanted to scream, cry, run up onto the stage and squeeze him as hard as he could just to let off some of the pressure building up inside him. He was breathing harder, downing the last of his cigarette like it was nothing. Adrenaline told him to go as fast as he could but time had slowed down. He couldn’t move. 

“No one in the world matters more than you, Fang,” Gamzee shrugged like it was obvious, lumbering back to his spot on the wall. Mindfang smirked. Tavros let go a breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

“That’s all for tonight, folks. You’ve been lovely as always.”

The crowd cheered. 

As people stood to leave, Tavros stayed frozen in place, turned to stone at what he’d just seen. Gamzee laughed in the corner of the stage at something a guy from the crowd had said. When Mindfang approached, he threw an arm around her waist, holding her close. And Tavros watched from far away, in the dark, like this was all a hazy dream, like he was witnessing what it would be like if he wasn’t there at all. He _wasn’t_ there at all. Mindfang replaced him. He could see it in the way they held one another. The worst of it all, what made Tavros sick to his stomach, was that he’d seen Gamzee hold her like this before. In his own house. 

A firm hand shook him out of reverie. 

Kurloz had him by the arm, stern eyes burrowing into him, digging up more and more feelings Tavros didn’t know how to deal with. It was all coming down on him like a ton of bricks. His breaths grew shaky. He dropped his gaze to the floor just to get out from under laser sharp scrutiny. He swallowed the strain in his voice and tried to act calm. But Kurloz was annoyed now, and would not be ignored. He grabbed Tavros by the jaw, forcing their gazes to meet. Kurloz had to watch Tav’s eyes fill to the brim with unshed tears while he signed as clearly as possible. 

**What are you doing here?**

Tavros couldn’t speak. He was inwardly proud of himself for sort of understanding, but the flash of pride dissipated into a plummeting, sickly feeling. First Karkat didn’t want him here, now Kurloz. 

**You need to leave. Right now.**

Kurloz, with his grip still tight on Tav’s arm, turned to march the two of them out of the venue. But Tavros wouldn’t move his feet. Kurloz felt the pull of Tavros refusing to follow him. He looked back, pulling on his arm to encourage him forward, but the sadness Tavros felt morphed into frustration. 

“What did I do?” he demanded to know. “What did I do to fuck this up so badly?” The firmness of his voice took Kurloz by surprise. Hearing Tavros curse was rare enough. He actually seemed angry now. Kurloz dropped his arm. 

**It isn’t you that created the problem,** he disclaimed. But it wasn’t enough. Tavros didn’t sit in confused limbo for six weeks for _It’s not you, it’s me._

“Then tell me what’s wrong,” Tavros ordered, planting his feet firmly on the ground. Kurloz shook his head, still taken aback and this sudden but necessary standoff. He narrowed his eyes. A girl with dark, flowing hair approached without caution, nosing her way under Kurloz’ arm. Tavros recognized her as the girl from the signing contest. She looked back and forth between Kurloz, stern and immovable, and Tavros, rapidly losing his nerve. 

**What’s the problem?** she signed, the sleeves of her sweater nearly drowning out her hands. 

**Underaged. I’m not trying to get arrested.**

**He doesn’t look drunk to me. Cut him some slack. You’re scaring him.**

**No. I’m calling him a cab.**

“I’m right here,” Tav reminded them of his existence as well as his tentative understanding. Kurloz shifted his attentions to Tavros, and the girl followed suit. She smiled, delighted at another person she could talk to. She raised her hands to sign something but Kurloz stopped her. This wasn’t the time for idle conversation. 

**It’s for your own good,** Kurloz reasoned. Tavros was already headed for the door. 

“You won’t even tell me what happened,” he spat, “It’s eating away at me, and you won’t tell me where I went wrong.” He’d had enough of all the secrets. He’d had enough of not knowing what was going on. He was frustrated, of course, but it quickly gave way to a downward spiraling hopelessness. He sank fast into a depression Kurloz could see growing over his head like a storm cloud.

The temperature outside had reached freezing depths. Exhaling a shivering, unsatisfying breath, Tavros wrapped his jacket tighter around his waist. He dug into his pocket for a cigarette, discovering that he only had two left. He should save them for more pressing times. But what would be more pressing than this? It was over. Whatever escapade he’d been on since that fateful night at the house of blues was dead and gone. He was back to being his normal, lonely self, only with a new and obviously destructive vice. 

Placing the filtered end between his lips, Tav stared blankly into the street, waiting for the cab Kurloz was calling to pick him up to arrive. He struggled with lighting the end of his cigarette with a cheap, nearly run-out lighter, when someone approached him from behind, effectively startling him. His hands slipped and he singed the end of his nose. 

“Got another one of those, cowboy?” Painted red lips pulled up into a smirk. “Oh, poor baby,” she crooned. Tavros, stunned silent, watched with wide, worried eyes as she inspected the little red scald mark on Tav’s nose. “Did you hurt yourself?” she asked, but didn’t wait for a response. Instead she kissed the little burn like a mother would her child, flashing him a feigned loving smile. “All better.” 

Tavros went pale, like he’d witnessed an apparition. He tentatively reached for the last of his pack, hoping that offering her smoke might appease her enough for him to make a getaway. Holding the last cigarette an arms length away, he was sure she would take it. She looked at it, looked back to him, and swiped the cigarette already in his mouth, stealing it for her own. 

“How sweet of you to offer,” she sighed, “How will I ever repay you?” Tavros shrugged, going for the last cigarette like he needed it to breath, but she stopped him with a sharp click of her tongue. “I wouldn’t if I were you,” she warned, “smoking is a dirty habit.”

“I need it…” he confessed, anxiety making him jumpy at the mere idea of quitting. 

She watched him carefully, with a glint in her eye that could only mean trouble. She opened her mouth, letting a wisp of smoke float past her lips and disappear into her nose. 

“I think my sister was wrong about you, Tavros,” she deadpanned. 

“Huh…?” 

She took another thoughtful drag, letting it out through her nose. “Vriska said you were weak, unsure of yourself. She thinks you’ll never survive without constant reassurance that you’re making the right moves.” Tavros frowned, of course that’s what she thought. “But that’s not true is it, Tavros?” Mindfang tossed an unreadable, tense look his way. It was gone before he knew it. “You’re just like me.”

Tavros was lost. “You think I’m like you?” Mindfang nodded. “Wait… Me?”

“I see it,” she said like she was calling his bluff. “You’re that quiet, doey eyed virgin. So fresh and easy to ruin. But you knew that didn’t you? You’re using it to get ahead.” 

Tav’s cheeks turned bright red. “Mindfang, I don’t know what--”

“I’m impressed,” she interrupted with a coy smile. “Someone so callow would definitely appeal. You’re very cunning, Tavros, I’m impressed. But here’s the deal.” She blew out a cloud of smoke, her cigarette burned down to the filter. “This is _my_ show. These are _my_ subjects. And though, I do love the idea of a challenge,” she dropped the burning filter, stamping it out with the heel of her shoe, “you _will_ lose. Is that clear?” 

Tavros shook his head. 

“Good!” she sang, a seemingly genuine smile brightening up her face. “Now that that’s covered, I’m having a little get together. You should come.” It wasn’t a suggestion. The underlying threat in her voice lingered. 

“I-It doesn’t sound like I have a ch-choice,” Tavros stammered, he tried to process what just happened but his brain seemed to short circuit on him at exactly the wrong time. System Malfunction. 404 Error. 

“You don’t,” she replied. “See you around, Tavros.” 

Rooted to the ground, Tavros watched as Mindfang departed, strutting to the end of the block until she disappeared from view. Part of him felt like he should get out of town for a while, visit some family. He might have to escape some wrath if he did or said anything wrong. How did he get mixed up in all this? When would it end? Where could he get more cigarettes at this time of night?”

“Fuck did she want.” An unmistakably grumpy voice trudged up to him. When Tav didn’t move a muscle, Karkat looked down the road to try and see what he saw. When he discovered nothing of note, he waved his hand in Tav’s face. No response. “Tavros!” Karkat yelled, and he finally snapped out of it. 

“What? Huh?”

“What’s wrong.”

“Oh… uh… Mindfang just invited me to some party she’s having.” 

Karkat’s brows furrowed. “Did she say why?”

“Probably to ruin my life,” Tavros replied in a dazed, worried monotone. 

“You’re not going, are you?” Karkat had to ask, but he already knew the answer. 

“She was pretty firm.” 

Karkat scoffed, shaking his head. “I don’t trust her,” he said, “I’m coming with you.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long, and sorry it gets kinda dodgy in the middle. i need a hug... thanks for playing...
> 
>  
> 
> (13/04/16: the final homestuck day, the end of an era)

Sitting on an unnervingly filthy sofa that made him miss Amelia like Rose misses Jack, Tavros stared at the other end of the room through a crowd of drunk college kids and the slimy, middle-class divorcees that tried to pick them up. Some loser flooded this party with boring, watery, custom-crafted beer in an _orange bottle_ for god’s sake. It was almost pathetic enough to render the illegality of underaged drinking null and void. Even Tavros had one, but he dared not finish it. He wasn’t terribly experienced in comparison to some other party guests, but he wasn’t going to get shitfaced on _this_ like he knew he could. That would just be sad. 

Jacket shed and hanging off the arm of the sofa, Tavros lounged in the very corner, stewing in a strange mood he seldom felt. He was very on edge, like he’d tip over and snap at the next person that questioned him in any way, a grumpiness he could only relate with Karkat of all people. Maybe it was contagious, and it made him very unapproachable. There was five or six feet of empty space before him, and the people doomed to stand closest to him seemed much more put off than those who were more fortunate. Some danced to a blaringly sad excuse for music, some chatted, some were crying or vomiting in their respective corners, some were so far from their judgements and inhibitions that they couldn’t read the signs. 

A girl Tyra-stomped her way to him on six-inch, razor sharp heels, carrying what looked like an unopened bottle of something and a shot glass topped off with whipped cream. Somehow reading the annoyance that narrowed Tav’s eyes as friendliness, she invited herself right into his lap, effectively trapping him where he was. With a smirk on her face, she tucked the bottle under her arm to swipe the one in Tav’s hand, leaving him to watch in vague horror as she tipped it over and poured the rest of that sorry excuse for craft beer right onto the floor. With any excuses out of the way, she offered up her bottle and shot glass with a simple, shudderingly vulgar ultimatum. 

“Brewski or Blowjob?”

_I hate you so much for saying that. Why did you say that? What’s wrong with you?_

“My mom says I have to be home right now.”

Setting the bottle down beside him on the couch, the girl forced what she thought was an adorable little puff of laughter, opening wide to swallow the shot cream and all. Tavros visible cringed at the little dab of cream she caught with her tongue. With her hands free, she slapped her palms on either side of Tav’s cheeks, cooing at the stubble that collected there after a few days of not caring enough to shave. 

“A little rough around the edges,” she noticed, missing Tav’s extreme displeasure entirely, “that’s hot. What’s your name?” 

“I’m gay.” 

Both his and her eyes widened. Tavros went still, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he’d disappear. 

“You’re gay?” the girl repeated. 

“And I’m underaged,” he dug himself in a little deeper, “I shouldn’t be here, it’s passed my bedtime.”

The girl shifted in her perch on his lap, “How old _are_ you?” 

“...Fourteen…?” Tavros found himself saying, hoping to god she would just leave so he could search his soul for the origin of all these impulsive answers. Having gone from grumpy to drowning in lies, Tav’s head was reeling. The girl moved to get off of him with a wary look on her face, and it seemed like the spiralling would have a fortunate ending, until some guy recognized him from school. 

“Tavros!” a scrawny math major called his name, “Tavros Nitram!” The girl froze, dropping her hands to Tav’s shoulders and clamping down. Before Tavros could protest, the guy was opening the bottle the girl had brought for him that both Tavros and the girl had completely forgotten about. “I haven’t seen you since last semester! Go Dibs!”

The girl looked back to Tavros, who’d just told her that he was barely a high school student, when she realized that that had been completely false. Caught red handed, he avoided having to say something by speedily chugging what he thought would be a different, equally shitty, craft beer, but this one burned like acid and smelled like acetone. 

“God, what is that?!”

_SMACK!_

The guy who started this mess seemed to have evaporated into thin air, escaping just before the girl smacked Tavros across the face for being so rude to her. 

“You were leading me on this whole time!?” she shrieked, the pitch of her voice alone was motivation enough to take another painful swig of pure ethanol just to bare it. And he was feeling it fast, his disposition deviated even further from its norm. 

“Darling,” he crooned condescendingly, sarcasm and spite obvious in the way he glared at her and rubbed smarting pain away, “in the morning, I’ll be sober. But you will still be ugly.”

She abruptly stood up. “I bet you suck dick for money,” she growled. And Tavros was preparing another frosty remark, but the already dim light darkened to nothing. A tall body hid the both of them in shadowy darkness. The girl rattled out a few more insults of or related to that brash remark about being gay from before, seeming to have missed Tavros turn white. When a firm hand planted itself on her shoulder, she fell silent. She whirled around, putting her eyes on an unamused Kurloz, looking down at her over the bridge of his nose. 

She glanced back at Tavros on the couch. “Your boyfriend?” Kurloz raised a brow.

Without even thinking, Tavros blurted, “by extension,” and Kurloz’ confusion faded away, almost as quickly as the cold sweat formed at the nape of Tav’s neck, and the blush to burn across his cheeks. The girl stomped away in a huff, leaving Tavros alone with the last person he wanted to be alone with. He wasn’t really supposed to be at this party, and he certainly shouldn’t be drinking. Crossing his arms at the situation he’d happened upon by chance, Kurloz observed silently. Tavros watched, unable to even whisper, breathless by this roller coaster of moods he’d experienced in the last five minutes alone. He wanted to apologize for even being there, but before he could regain his wits, Kurloz had already taken the remaining space on the couch, watching the crowds at play. 

**Let me guess,** Kurloz signed after a moment of quiet, **She was giving you a hard time so you said the first excuse you could think of, she slapped the shit out of you, and now you’re drinking to forget.**

Kurloz moved nice and slow, almost equivalent to someone enunciating their words to ensure understanding. Tavros actively tried to understand, having never even imagined Kurloz being… talkative. He could see it in the way he moved, Kurloz was much more relaxed that his usual dour self. Even the smear of white painting a saddened frown over his lips seemed less severe. 

“Yeah…” Tavros confirmed Kurloz’ guess, absent-mindedly running the edge of his bottle over his bottom lip in a bout of buzzed concentration. Before he could take another sip, Kurloz stole it out of Tav’s hand, knowing full well that whatever it was was much too strong for unpracticed bodies. 

**What did you tell her?** Kurloz asked, punctuating his question with a shrug and a vaguely curious look on his face. Tavros, hoping to ride this wave to safety and never discuss what he was doing at this party, was more than happy to indulge Kurloz’ curiosities, though perhaps he already knew and didn’t think any more psychological roller coasters were particularly needed. 

“I…” Tavros started. He trailed off as the full weight of realization settled upon him. “I told her I was gay.” 

And as Tavros descended into existential Hell, Kurloz had to ask. **Are you?**

It took him a while to answer, but Tavros settled for a vague shrug, not too sure himself. 

A bellow so strong and sudden it came out as a cough echoed through the air from the wall opposite the sofa. Lifting his eyes from the floor, Tavros watched a mop of shaggy hair throw back in fits of uncontrollable laughter. There he was. 

Sucking plumes of a familiar skunky fog out of the end of a green, glass pipe, Gamzee held Mindfang around her waist, firmly trapping her in his lap, not that she seemed to mind. In fact, she was feeding him little mouthfuls of whatever foods her party provided, whispering in his ear, showing him off to passers-by. In return Gamzee praised her, worshiped her even, to anyone who could bare to listen. 

Kurloz watched everything inside Tavros shatter into millions of pieces. 

With a steady hand, he guided Tav’s eyes to him, prying them away from what was hurting him most, but he didn’t want to look away. He wanted to watch. This morbid fascination was almost too strong for Kurloz to overcome, but he managed, able to watch as Tavros desperately tried to keep it together, but the transparency of light inebriation made it much too difficult and his eyes filled to the brim anyway. 

“Why does this always happen to me?” 

He wanted to know. How could every relationship he’d ever formed end up disastrously disappointing? Was it this place? The people he attracted? Was it Tavros himself who was at fault?

**Bad things happen to good people.**

Tavros was only just across the room, yet he was miles away from where he wanted to be. He watched Gamzee, grinning fiercely and carrying on without a care in the world while Tavros could feel his life going up in flames. Where Gamzee found fun and merriment, Tavros found vice and uncontrollable impulses. He racked his brain, looking for where he went wrong, what he’d done to stir himself out of favor. 

“I’m boring…” Kurloz shook his head, confidently disagreeing. “But that must be it,” Tavros protested sadly, “I can’t be as cool as she is even if I tried. I would rather be with her than me too--”

With a surprised gasp, Tavros was forced to look Kurloz directly in the eyes. They weren’t as blue as they always were, like they’d melted into clear, calm pools. It seemed that both brothers’ eyes darkened under the influence. 

Kurloz looked deep into him, projecting scores of data directly into Tav’s mind with a profound and transcendent gaze. He said no words vocally, yet spoke volumes more than were even possible to articulate. Gamzee was far away. The rent was far away. Crushing loneliness was far away. It was all absorbed and taken out of his mind by this one look, replaced with a list of exactly what would make him happier. He wanted to clean up, take a day off and really clear his mind, and forget his turmoils for just one night. Anyone willing would be just fine. No. Not anyone. Not just anyone… 

Without even thinking, Tav’s hand drifted up to trace the borders between patches of white and olive skin, and Kurloz sat completely still, clearing Tav’s mind with the magic of the mute. Sensing no resistance paired with mounting need for focused attention, nothing stood in his way. Tavros leaned forward and kissed the wrong brother, and he accepted it. As soon as the first quick peck was over, he went in for another until he was sweeping the tip of his tongue over his lips and grabbing hold of a handful of dreads. 

Kurloz was very different from Gamzee. It wasn’t a game with winners and losers. Whatever Tavros needed, Kurloz would provide, and he needed to feel like someone wanted him. Kurloz moved slower than Gamzee had the patience for, took the time to fill the emptiness Tavros felt with calculated strokes of a perfectly functional tongue, despite some of the rumors Tavros had heard. Holding tight and trying to keep up, Tavros gave in and let his mind go blank.

* * *

“And then I was like-- Whatever, bitch, don’t talk to me or my 47 unicycles ever again.”

A small subcommittee of five or six people sat in a circle sharing stories. The others roared with laughter, mentioning things like _Gamzee, you’re a fucking character_ and _Where do you even get these stories?!_

“I know, I know, my life is pretty average,” he shrugged, breathing in a haze of fog and fumes from all kinds of different things. Mindfang, perched in the gap between his legs, threw an arm around his shoulders, humming at how ironic that statement was, especially pertaining to the likes of him. 

“Please,” she crooned, “You’re anything from ordinary, Gamzee.” He smiled at her like she was the only other person in the room, and nothing would separate them. Best of friends. 

“Yo, Gamz, you never told us your brother was a cake boy too!” 

“Whaaat?” Gamzee looked around the room in curious disbelief, scanning the crowds for his brother. With some help from his faithful friend, what’s-his-face, who had to physically guide Gamzee’s face to see the other end of the room, he saw it. His brother, Mr. I-Refuse-To-Have-Fun-Ever Kurloz Makara, was swapping spit with what looked like a college student. 

“What the fuck?” Gamzee whispered, absolutely amazed. His eyes grew ten sizes. “Holy shit! He’s fucking doing it!” Gamzee and whoever this guy was shared a minor celebration, cheering Kurloz on from the end of the room-- underscored by the sour remarks from some grumpy bitch determined to kill the mood-- but the music easily drowned them out. 

“Take him home, Motherfucker!”

“Tongue him out!”

“That’s disgusting and I hate you.”

“Does he even have a tongue?”

“Fucking morons.”

“Would you chill? Who even are you?” 

Gamzee strained his eyes, trying to identify the kid that was crawling into his brother’s lap. He was real little, maybe a foot shorter and a hundred pounds lighter, wearing a black t-shirt-- nice, simple touch. Judging by the swirling colored light, it seemed like he had some sort of undercut situation, maybe a mohawk. 

And suddenly, the room was freezing cold. 

“Gamzee?” The guy that started this whole mess seemed to evaporate into thin air. Mindfang noticed Gamzee to completely still, he even stopped blinking and breathing as he stared across the room. 

“I’m gonna kill him.”

Following his eyes to the sofa on the other side of the dancefloor, Mindfang noticed Kurloz first and she couldn’t suppress a simper. Then she recognized the kid astride him as her guest of honor, and her simpering grew into an evil smirk. Only when Gamzee started to shake underneath her did she attempt to calm him. 

“No no no, baby,” she disapproved, condescension working color into her words. Both of them watched the sofa. Kurloz didn’t need it nearly as bad as the other did, he was being a gentlemen. He should be applauded for his chivalry. “Don’t ruin Tav’s day,” she purred right into Gamzee’s ear, “Look at him. He loves it--”

“I’M GONNA MOTHERFUCKING KILL HIM!” 

“Gamzee!” Mindfang snapped seconds before he could throw her from his lap and punch his way across the room. She attracted his attention long enough hold him at bay. “What did I tell you about making a scene?” she asked, lowering her voice to a warning depth. She could see that the inevitable had begun to take form inside him. It wouldn’t be long now before no one could get through to him. Not a soul could tame him, not even himself. 

She smiled. “Let’s give them something to think about,” she suggested, or more so warned. Seconds later, her hands tugged at Gamzee’s hair. He had to tighten his grip on her waist to keep her from falling. All the while, Mindfang watched the scene coming to an end on the sofa. And Tavros watched her too.

* * *

He could feel her eyes, lurking, watching him. The illusion was destroyed. The fog cleared and Tavros realized what was happening. He all but jumped backwards, separating from Kurloz entirely, looking away from him long enough to catch a glimpse of heartbreak out of the corner of his eye. 

“Kurloz, I’m so-- Oh my god, I’m-- Fuck, I didn’t mean--” Tavros stammered, failing to force the breaks in his voice from showing through. Without prompting it, his knees came up to hide himself from the crushing weight of absolute shame. Kurloz tried to calm him, or at least get him to look at him long enough to tell him it was okay. He looked up to wear Tavros had been looking, locking eyes with Mindfang. He frowned. 

In the midst of Tavros teetering on the edge of a breakdown, the girl from Martyrs, with long dark hair, marched right up to the two on the couch and plopped down beside Tavros. 

With the pad of her index finger, she tapped him twice on the shoulder. When he just barely uncovered his eyes to at least see who it was, the girl smiled nice and bright, as if she knew that it would calm him down just the smallest bit. 

“W-Who are you?” Tavros asked less than politely, roughly passing the back of his hand over his eyes and nose. The girl raised her hands, smiling and spelling out her name. 

**Meulin**

Tavros didn’t smile back. “I’m Tavros.”

Kurloz gave him a tap, noticing that the threat of tears had passed when Tav’s inflection went dry and monotonous. He flashed a lightning fast cycle of five or six letters to Meulin before slowing down to communicate with Tavros.

 **This is my girlfriend,** he signed, immediately regretting it. 

“You have a girlfriend!?” Tavros cried, ready to break down again at the very idea of kissing someone in a relationship. He whirled around. “I’m so sorry! I don’t know what happened! It’s all my fault! I can’t believe--”

Slapping both her hands to Tav’s cheeks, Meulin kissed the very tip of his nose, silencing his rambling and determined apologies. She smiled and kissed his forehead, his cheeks, his nose again, giggling as she went. As she closed in to press a playful kiss to Tav’s lips, she was whisked through the air, landing in Kurloz’ lap. She squealed and swatted at his shoulders, but Kurloz was unaffected. Uncaring as to who would watch, he buried his face in the crook of her neck, nuzzling her skin with his nose. Meulin purred in the back of her throat, and Tav’s jaw almost dropped. 

“I-I really am s-sorry--”

**She’s deaf.**

“Oh,” Tavros replied, wanting to die right then and there. “Uhh…” With palpable uncertainty, he raised a fist and touched it to one side of his chest, bringing it down and around to the other side. 

With a joyous cheer, Meulin spread her arms wide, wanting to pull Tavros into her arms, but Kurloz held her back. She smacked him again, signing something too fast for Tavros to dream of understanding. Kurloz rolled his eyes, but Tav noticed a small, endeared smile grace his expression. And it didn’t disappear like his other smiles did just moments after they were formed, this was how he always looked at her. Tav wanted to admire it, but Meulin was upon him in an instant, planting a firm kiss right on his lips. She sat back in Kurloz’ lap, looking satisfied. 

**Don’t be sad, Tavros!**

His cheeks went rosey in an instant. 

To assert his dominance, thinly veiled as leveling the playing field, Kurloz glanced at Tavros before kissing her in a way that explained everything. Meulin didn’t have to be upset that Kurloz hadn’t resisted him. He poured everything he had into one kiss, like he would never see her again. A whole side of Kurloz opened up to Tavros right before his eyes. He could see it in the way he held her that no one would ever mean more to him than she did. When it was over, his eyes had blown black, but it was subdued, satisfied. He even resembled Gamzee and his dilated eyes. But Kurloz didn’t need to be high. He was happy. 

A booming voice brought it all to the ground. 

Two mean-faced men, big enough to fill doors, marched into the room, sleek black suits tailored to the closest centimeter. Their presence alone silenced all in their wave as they made their way through the room, drawing the attention of everyone in attendance. Tavros counted two heads above the crowd, but six feet carried them to the center of the room, signalling the presence of another, smaller person being shielded from view by giant goons. When they came to a stop, the hidden man spoke out a single name. 

“Gamzee Makara.”

Tavros watched as the scene before him unfolded as if in a trance. Just as a familiar head of thick, unruly hair surfaced above the crowd, he was roughly tugged to a standing position. Kurloz had a hold on him, pulling him up and off the couch to circle behind it. Tavros could barely keep up as they approached a broom closet in the back corner of the room. Upon opening the door, Tav discovered Meulin, who had already been stolen away. 

“What’s happening?” Tavros whispered, the nervous look on Kurloz’ face sending shivers up his spine. Meulin whimpered quietly. Kurloz rushed to take both of her hands in his, kissing her knuckles to keep her quiet. He gave Tavros a look that read _stay here_ as clear as day, then returned his undivided attention to Meulin. Reluctant to let her go, he disconnected a hand, raised his thumb, index, and pinky fingers and pressed the sign right over her heart. After a beat of silence, he had to let her go. He shut them into the dark closet where no one would find them, then left.

* * *

“It’s motherfucking gross down here,” Gamzee complained behind a fit of nervous, smothered laughter, “What the fuck’s going on with this place, amirite?” 

“Watch your filthy mouth, boy.” 

A tall, thin, man stepped out from the shadows. This man looked like he could’ve been the face of ‘Big Brother’ from Orwell’s _1984_ , not too strong, not too frail, almost goat-like in appearance, certainly the aesthetic of a dangerously powerful old man. He seemed to tremble ever so slightly, likely due to age, but that would be an optimistic, uneducated guess. Though the obvious signs were there as well, the two brothers could see it in his eyes, the total and unbridled fury lurking just under the surface of a naturally grumpy stare. 

“How ya doin’ Old Goat…” Gamzee spoke slowly and with the utmost respect. His father didn’t smile; he wasn’t happy to see him and wouldn’t pretend that he was. 

“You’ve been too soft,” the old man spat, “been wasting my inventory on your little friends.”

“Dad, I-- you know I don’t--”

“Don’t interrupt.” He glared into Gamzee’s soul, seeming to take away the boy’s very ability to speak. Gamzee mouthed his apologies. 

“Look at you,” he all but growled, eyes bouncing back and forth from son to son, “ _You two_ are supposed to inherit _my_ work?”

**Dad, we--**

“All these years after I stopped hearing your _fucking_ voice, and I’m _still_ telling you to shut up!” 

Gamzee jumped out of his skin. Kurloz turned to stone. Sweat formed atop their brows. 

Goat scowled, marching right up into Gamzee’s face. Gamzee didn’t dare back away or put his hands on him. He stood stiff as a board, letting his father peer into the depths of his soul, beady golden eyes flaring with disgusted rage. 

“You’re done,” he spat at the floor between them. “Out.” 

“...What?”

* * *

It was getting harder and harder to breathe in the cramped closet. Every heave of oxygen was less and less satisfying as Tavros tried to decipher what the hell had just happened. Just to the left, Meulin worked to steady herself. She calmed fast, remarkably fast, almost as if she was never worried to begin with. Tavros knew she was though, just under the surface. 

A white light illuminated the small closet. It dimmed gradually as it recognized the surrounding darkness; a cell phone. Seconds later, Tavros felt his own pocket vibrate. Drawing his brows together, he checked to see who it was. 

**Meowlin ๑ↀᆺↀ๑:** IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY :3

Shifting his eyes back and forth from the message to Meulin, he obviously wondered how she’d gotten his number. He almost asked her out loud, catching himself before it was too late. He typed out the second question rattling around in his mind, the first being how she’d gotten his phone number. 

He paused, debating on whether or not to send it, since they were standing right next to each other. She had sent hers, so it was only fair to keep the log going. Perhaps it was to serve as proof of their conversation when they regrouped with Kurloz later. He tried to forget how problematic his keyboard was, permanently stuck on caps lock and swapping periods for commas, and sent his text. 

**Tavros:** hOW DO YOU KNOW,,,? 

Her response was rapid fire. 

**Meowlin ๑ↀᆺↀ๑:** THIS HAPPENS A LOT 3: TOO MUCH I’M AFURRAID.

 **Tavros:** oHH,,, wHAT EXACTLY IS HAPPENING?

Meulin tapped out an answer. She reread it, frowned, and quickly changed her mind. And the subject. 

**Meowlin ๑ↀᆺↀ๑:** PURRLOZ TOLD ME A LOT ABOUT MEW ^_^

 **Tavros:** hE TALKS ABOUT ME? wHAT DOES HE SAY?

 **Meowlin ๑ↀᆺↀ๑:** ONLY THAT YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD PURRSON!!

 **Meowlin ๑ↀᆺↀ๑:** PURRLOZ USUALLY DOESN’T LIKE GAMZEE’S BOYFRIENDS. THEY’RE PRETTY MEOWSY. BUT YOU’RE SO SWEET!

He could tell that she’d meant to compliment him if the smile on her face was anything to go by. But it was getting a little harder to breathe again. He was suddenly very aware of how little space there was, nowhere to escape to. He started typing a response, erasing what he’d written three or four times. Meulin watched, her smile falling flat, and sent a message to cut him off. 

**Tavros:** i,,, uHH,,, wE DON’T REALLY,,, 

**Meowlin ๑ↀᆺↀ๑:** SHIT SORRY… 3: 

Tav shrugged, it wasn’t the first nor biggest disappointment of the night.

 **Tavros:** iT’S OKAY,,, i’M SORRY ABOUT EARLIER,,, i KINDA SUCK AS A PERSON,,, 

**Meowlin ๑ↀᆺↀ๑:** YOU REALLY NEEDED IT. I CAN TELL SOMETHING’S REALLY PAWTHERING YOU. 

It didn’t make it any less inexcusable for him. He never wanted to be that person. He’d been on the bad end of countless similar situations. How could he be so inconsiderate?

 **Meowlin ๑ↀᆺↀ๑:** FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH, WE BOTH HOPE IT WORKS OUT FOR MEW. GAMZ WOULD BE PURRTY STUPID TO LET YOU GO :3 

**Tavros:** iT’S REALLY NOT,,, uHH,,, aNYTHING,,, AT ALL, i’M SURPRISED ANYONE HERE EVEN NOTICED ME, i’M NOT WORTH REMEMBERING,,, 

Reading this awoke something in Meulin that Tavros couldn’t recognize. Her brows furrowed and her eyes narrowed to points in the dim light. 

**Meowlin ๑ↀᆺↀ๑:** DON’T TELL ANYONE I’M TELLING YOU THIS.

Tavros was about to answer when she sent another message. 

**Meowlin ๑ↀᆺↀ๑:** SOLEMNLY SWEAR!!!!!

He had just barely finished reading it when she grabbed both his shoulders, waiting to witness him swear this information to secrecy. He nodded furiously, alarmed by the speed in which she went from cheerful to dead serious. She looked him dead in the eye, texting at lightning speed without even looking to see if her thumbs landed where she wanted them to. 

**Meowlin ๑ↀᆺↀ๑:** PURRLOZ GAVE UP HIS VOICE PURRTECTING GAMZEE FROM OLD GOAT. THEY’RE BROTHERS, AFTER ALL, BUT PURRLOZ HAS TO GIVE THAT UP. HE HAS TO STOP BEING SO NICE TO HIM TO PURRTECT YOU. 

Tav’s eyes widened as he read, catching a glimpse of Kurloz’ past in three sentences. He gave up his voice to protect Gamzee. And now he had to give up Gamzee to protect him. 

**Tavros:** hIS VOICE,,,? wHAT? 

He couldn’t believe it. He didn’t even know what it was that she was trying to convey.

 **Tavros:** wHY,,,? wHY ME,,,?

The second it was sent, he looked up to watch her face. She was white as a ghost. 

**Meowlin ๑ↀᆺↀ๑:** I HAD A SISTER ONCE…

* * *

**Reconsider. I beg you to reconsider.**

“Reconsider?” Goat repeated, “Reconsider!?” He spat on the ground at Gamzee’s feet, brandishing a blaming finger in his direction as he set the record straight. “He _thought_ little doses of THC could stave off the withdrawal. He _thought_ he could keep it together when they finally set in. He _thought_ he could handle the heat.” He glared through his youngest son who shook his head, refusing to remember, but the memories flooded in anyway. “But he snapped,” Old Goat reminded, voice going low and grim. “Tell me, Gamzee,” he called upon him, and Gamzee raised his eyes to the space just to the right of his father without looking directly at him.

“Tell you what…”

Goat marched right up to him, forcing Gamzee to look into his eyes. “Who’s next?” Gamzee floundered, opening his mouth to deny everything and anything, but no words would come out. “It better not be any of my workers,” he continued when Gamzee couldn’t reply, “They’re worth so much more than your miserable life. Perhaps it’ll be your own flesh and blood. Or that kid.” The mention of _that kid_ made the room get cold.

 **What kid?** Kurloz asked, moving at a cautious pace. 

“Oh you know as well as I do,” Goat nodded slowly, letting it sink in, “the small, pathetic looking puppy-dog getting drunk upstairs. The one you’ve been playing with to distract yourself.”

“No…” There was no denying that this was serious. It was all crashing down. His worst fears were realized one on top of the other, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. 

“I know everything about him,” Goat affirmed beyond all doubt. “If I see you near the stock, you bet your ass I can get to him faster than you.” The highest word has been spoken, decrees announced, orders given. All the strength bled free from Gamzee’s body. With one last pleading gesture, he dropped to his knees, praying for one more chance. 

“Dad, please. I don’t want to hurt anyone. You saw what I did to--” Gamzee choked on the name of his former friends; a petite, cat loving girl, and her sweaty tag-along. “Please don’t do this. I’ll do anything.” He implored quietly, his head in his hands. He couldn’t lose Tavros if he hadn’t already. 

“Don’t you tell me what to do.” Old goat looked down at Gamzee, “you were lucky to get a second chance. It’s about time you saw your life go up in smoke. Crawl back to me when you murder the only people that care about you.” He turned to leave, but stopped himself. He had one more nail to seal this coffin. “And you can try to protect him from me,” he added, “but who will protect him from you? Does he know you’ve been stringing him along for a reason?” A thin hand grabbed a handful of hair right at the top of Gamzee’s head, yanking backwards to force the light to illuminate three long scars cutting across Gamzee’s face. “Does he know where these came from?” 

Silence.

And with that, the old man pushed past his two boys and left the premises. Once he was gone, Kurloz helped Gamzee to his feet, giving him a concerned look. 

**Maybe I should--**

Gamzee threw a determined fist right into his brother’s eye, knocking him flat on his back. When the ringing in Kurloz’ ears dissipated enough to let him open his eyes, Gamzee was over him, glaring at him, baring his teeth. 

“That’s for kissing him,” he growled. Then he stormed off, hurrying up the stairs in search of Tavros.

* * *

After light raps at the center of the door turned to near-panicked pounding, someone finally released poor Meulin and Tavros from the dark stuffiness of the closet. Squinting at the light, they searched for signs of Kurloz in the crowds to no avail. Tavros looked high and low, left and right, but when he turned to ask Meulin if she’d seen anything yet, she had disappeared into the crowds herself. He took a step further into the belly of the house in search of anyone he knew, just far enough to get checked in the shoulder by someone moving fast across the room. Tav recognized him by the back of his head. 

He followed the stomping of Karkat’s footsteps to a closed door, presumably the bathroom. Pressing his ear to the surface of the door, Tavros listened for any distinction that would point out Karkat as the one in the bathroom and he got more than he expected. From within the semi-privacy of the bathroom, Tav could hear Karkat hissing out every obscenity in his vocabulary, so consumed with rage that his nose was running. Tavros could hear him sniffling like he was holding back spiteful tears. Then Karkat was stamping his feet again, capitalizing each stomp with an angry grunt. Tavros jumped and knocked at the door. 

“Karkat?”

“Whoever you are, get lost!”

Tav swallowed a mouthful of anxiety. “It’s Tavros.”

After a moment of silence, the latch on the door unlocked. Tavros waited a full ten seconds before putting on a brave face and opening the door a crack, just enough to see in. From the sliver of room within his field of vision, Tav could see Karkat’s chucks, part of his legs, and fragments of a pulverized cell phone strewn about the floor. 

“Are you coming in or not?” Karkat grumbled from the corner of the room. He hissed his words through his teeth. Tav looked over his shoulder for wandering eyes. He slipped into the bathroom quickly, keeping his eyes on the party just in case anyone happened to glance over, but he managed to close the door without event. Then he turned and discovered Karkat, leaning against the edge of the sink. 

In the few brief moments that he’d been out of Tav’s sight, Karkat had taken off his belt and had it wrapped tightly around his left bicep, holding it taut between his teeth. Sitting on the lid of the toilet beside him laid an open leather case containing an empty syringe, a hypodermic needle, a bent spoon, a zippo lighter, and a small bag of fine black powder. 

“W-What are you doing?” Tavros asked, eyes never leaving the open case. He’d seen this in a movie once, or maybe a filmclip from a health class. 

“W-Wouldn’t you like to know,” Karkat mocked. The prong of his belt buckle locked into a less than perfect, custom hole punched into the leather. Karkat fastened it and went for the case. 

“What’s wrong?” Tav picked up on a different motive to Karkat’s bitterness. It wasn’t just his baseline, something was bothering him if the phone was anything to go on. 

“What’s wrong?” repeated Karkat in the same mocking tone. 

Tavros rolled his eyes. “Cut it out,” he half-spat with minimal conviction. Karkat stopped what he was doing, looking up at him in offense. “You can trust me,” Tav affirmed, “I thought we’ve already established that.” 

Snapping out of affronted stillness, Karkat shook his head and set to work. With the needle screwed into place, he injected a small amount of water into the basin of the spoon, a little more than the size of a silver dollar. 

“Terezi is pissed,” he deadpanned, “Happy?” He glared in Tav’s direction, waiting for him to say something stupid, but Tavros said nothing. He waited for a reason as to why. “She says a storm’s coming,” Karkat explained vaguely, adding a few sturdy taps of that black powder to the water in his spoon. “She says she can feel it in her bones. If I don’t come home right now, she’s gonna leave me.” Karkat set his jaw up tight, flicking open the lighter and holding the spoon over the flame. His hands were shaking. A sadness pervaded the air, followed by a wave of morbid understanding. 

“You can’t leave, can you?” Tavros guessed, “you have to watch him.” 

Karkat nodded, raising his eyebrows like he couldn’t believe it himself. The black liquid in the spoon was starting to bubble. It released a burnt, bitter smell into the air that had them both wrinkling their noses. 

“What _is_ that?” Tavros asked, taken completely off track. Karkat shrugged. 

“Smack.”

“Why is it black?” Tav was confused.

“I don’t know, Token Mexican Friend,” Karkat groaned sarcastically, tired of the questions, “why don’t you tell me?” A blank look glazed over Tav’s eyes. He shrugged his shoulders. Karkat scoffed, “It’s black tar heroin. They smuggle it over the border in El Paso.”

Tavros mouthed an understanding _oh_ as the dots connected. “Can I try it?” he asked, newly developed thrill-seeking senses detecting some excitement. As bad as he was feeling, he thought he could take care of himself by now.

“This won’t make you feel better,” Karkat responded flatly. He watched as the syringe filled with black liquid. “It won’t make you feel anything at all.” The arteries in Karkat’s left forearm stood out against his skin, dilating to compensate for the pressure he put on them. He was quiet, watching his heartbeat through his veins. 

“I have a reason to run away from feeling,” Tavros broke the silence, sensing a darkness settle over Karkat as he made his final decision. The weight of his eyes was too much to bare and Tavros dropped his gaze to the floor. “A-And I’m not saying you don’t, it’s just… Getting high won’t solve anything with Terezi.” Tavros trailed off, letting Karkat cut him off, tell him he was wrong, or to mind his own business. But Karkat was silent. “If you call her, talk to her, she’ll understand. She’s just worried about you, Karkat. She doesn’t want you to get hurt, and that will hurt you.”

Quieted by Tav’s words, impassioned and _wise_ , Karkat was almost unbelieving. With eyes as wide as flying saucers, he simply stared at him, observed as his confidence rapidly depleted. “Then why do _you_ want it?” 

“Oh,” he wrung his hands, “Well I… I guess I have nothing left to lose.” 

Standing before him, none other than a nervous Tavros, looking more or less the same as the day he’d first laid eyes on him, was trying to convince him not to ruin his relationship. He was in deep, up to his eyes, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew well enough that heroin wouldn’t help Karkat work things out with Terezi. He knew it wouldn’t lead him down a healthy, happy life path, nor anyone else. But what _did_ Tavros have to lose? No one cared about him, worried about whether or not he’d come home or go to class on time, at least not that Karkat knew of. Gamzee wasn’t that kind of guy, and he couldn’t think of anyone else. All this kid wanted was to not feel so lonely. Karkat did have someone worried for him. She was at the house, the home they were building together, away from all this.

“Here.” 

Looking up from the floor, Tavros realized his fingertips were in his mouth, nails being chewed to shreds. He dropped his hands, and later, his jaw at the sight of Karkat tugging off the belt around his arm. Waving him over, Tavros took Karkat’s place against the sink, watching in disbelief as Karkat indulged him. 

“I’ll trade you for a phone call,” he said, tightening the belt around Tav’s arm, “Don’t tell Gamzee you’re on this, he’ll freak.”

“I won’t,” Tavros confirmed. Looking into his eyes, Karkat handed Tavros the syringe.

“Only inject what you think you can handle,” he advised, speaking as clearly as he could, “and don’t do more than half of this.”

Tavros repeated,“no more than half.” The nervousness edged into the corners of his mind slowly. It was quiet for a moment before Tav realized that Karkat was waiting to borrow his phone, having forgotten that his was in smithereens on the floor. 

“I’ll be right back,” he said at the door, “no more than half, Tavros. I mean it.”

Tav nodded, feeling his arm starting to loose feeling. The veins connecting his elbow to his wrist were swelling fast. “Thank you,” he called just as Karkat disappeared, calling his attention. He returned to the doorway for one more second, “for everything.”

Karkat shrugged. “I should say the same to you.” And then he was gone, off to call Terezi, and tell her that he loves her. 

_Okay…_ Tavros thought to himself, eyeing the black substance he was about to inject into his body. He had no idea what it was for certain, or what it would do to him. But there was no turning back now. _It can’t be too hard. Needle in, needle out, then we’re done. Right?_

Daunted by the prospect of pain, Tavros took a deep breath, drawing the needle closer and closer to a vein that ran through the center of his forearm. It was cold to the touch, so sharp it could slip into his skin with the smallest slip of the wrist. It did slip in with only a small gasp of snapping anticipation. It didn’t hurt. It was easy, surprisingly easy. All he had to do was press down the plunger.

* * *

Tearing up the stairs back to the main level of the house, Gamzee scanned the faces he barely saw for Tavros. With every heavy breath fueling the flames engulfing his insides, he searched. He knew he was here, drinking and carrying on with Kurloz like nothing mattered, _kissing him_ like nothing mattered. Grinding his teeth and squeezing his hands into even tighter fists, Gamzee willed that away. He’d worry about dealing with Kurloz later, it was obviously his doing, coercing his little buddy like that. Right now, Old Goat was in the house and he knew about Tavros. It was a race now. Who could get to him first. 

Not in the kitchen. Not in the living room. Not in the dining room. Thankfully not in the bedrooms. One last room to check. 

“Tavros!” Gamzee hollered, throwing open the bathroom door, uncaring as to what he might find there. Until he saw his nightmare, the last thing he’d ever wanted to see. 

Leaning against the sink with his eyes screwed shut and hands shaking, Tavros teased the plunger on 100mg of black heroin. 

“What the fuck…” Gamzee could barely whisper, frozen for the infinite moment it took for Tavros to give the plunger a timid press, injecting barely a drop into his skin. Then, just like that, Gamzee was across the room, ripping Tav’s hand away.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing!?” He yelled so loud the windows shook, stunning Tavros into silence. Deft hands swiped the needle right out of Tav’s arm, making it disappear with slight of hand. Beads of blood that bubbled up from the puncture in his arm were stained an inky black; all were cleared away, cleaned up by the flat of Gamzee’s tongue. Kissing away the remnants of the biggest mistake Tavros could ever make, Gamzee all but sucked the last trace amounts right from his bloodstream. 

Tavros tried to speak, but could form no words, tripping over broken bits of Gamzee’s name as he tried to make sense of how this could be. 

“Where did you get this?” Gamzee implored on his knees, spitting red and black onto the floor. 

“Gamzee--”

“Where!” he shouted, squeezing the daylights out of Tav’s arms like he could shake the answers right out of his body. “Where did you motherfucking get this!?”

“Karkat!” Tavros very nearly screamed, arms hurting and forced to look into frosty blue eyes that frightened him to the core. He’d only seen Gamzee angry once. The feral growl he hissed through his teeth sent chills down his spine. Then Gamzee was up and leaving fast, likely to chase down Karkat for the origin of this drug. But Tavros hadn’t seen him in ages and wanted to know why. 

“Hey!” He called after him, catching his wrist as he all but ran out the door in search of Karkat. The mere idea of Tavros putting his hands on someone was unheard of. Now that it was happening, Gamzee whirled around, his attentions captured. “What’s your deal, Gamzee? You disappeared! I haven’t seen you in months. Why can’t I try this?”

“Do you even know what this is?” Gamzee reached back into his hood, retrieving the needle. Tavros was inwardly amazed at Gamzee’s little display of magic, but was too busy being yelled at to really register. Gamzee was right in his face, bent in half to meet his eyes with the syringe between them for reference. “This is a huge dose, motherfucker. You would be dead in seconds--”

“I _feel_ dead already!” Tavros blurted out. 

Gamzee went blank. He saw the scene unfolding in the little bathroom from the ceiling, like he wasn’t even there. Tavros was thinner, paler, curled into himself more than he used to. Every so often he’d glance over his shoulder as if looking for someone who might be following him. Gamzee was relieved that he wasn’t shaking and itching, feeling that painfully familiar feeling of fire ants crawling around under his skin. From the looks of it, Tavros was mere seconds away from throwing his life away just to feel something other than guilt or loneliness. But no matter how hard Tavros tried to hide it, those clear brown eyes could never lie. 

“I could die any day with all the shit you have me on. It’s all irreversible. I can’t stop.” Tav had to swallow a whimper, seeing for himself how far he’d come as he explained it to Gamzee. A hand migrated to the edge of his lower lip, giving him the option of gnawing his nails down to bloody stumps. “I missed my rent two months in a row, I was almost arrested, I’ll probably lose my job soon… So what’s the difference? You would’ve had me try it eventually, right?” Bloodshot eyes as wide as saucers looked Gamzee dead on. “Right?” Tav repeated, thinking he’d figured it all out. 

“No,” Gamzee shot him down, going cold, “I wouldn’t give this to my worst enemies.” 

Tavros whispered a shaky, “Why?” to the tiled floor. “Isn’t this how you keep your business running?” 

Tavros worked it all out. He’d never seen anything implying that Gamzee attended much school, he barely worked, and he wasn’t terribly clean. Yet, though all this stands true, Gamzee drove an amazing car, lived in an amazing loft in the middle of a prominent city. How could he live the way he did if he wasn’t pushing _some_ kind of drug? It made sense. He lured in shy, sorry-looking college students with access to their funds, got them hooked, and disappeared. That was how it worked, right?

“You think I up and did this to you on purpose?”

By the look on Gamzee’s face, Tavros couldn’t have been more wrong. With Tav’s name on his lips as nothing more than a whisper, Gamzee couldn’t even shake his head in denial. The words couldn’t quiet register. He couldn’t understand how he could care so much for someone and they didn’t even know it. These were the motions. He’d been here before, had this conversation with someone else making the exact same accusations. 

“Then tell me what the hell is going on,” Tavros begged, unable to look away from the hurt on Gamzee’s face, from the slashes that permanently disfigured him. “Tell me why you disappeared, where you went. Tell me what you’re involved in because I know it’s big.” He didn’t realize he was moving until he was toe to toe with a blank, shaking Gamzee. A tentative hand reached out to touch him. “I know you’re in trouble,” Tavros said, pulling his hand back when Gamzee flinched, “...who was that guy looking for you? Was it your fath--”

Tavros was slammed against the wall adjacent to the door, pain blooming across his shoulder blades and settling into purple contusions. He gasped, hands flying up to defend himself from whatever may come. 

“What do you know about my father?” Gamzee growled. When Tavros didn’t answer immediately, he lifted him off the wall and slammed him back down again. “Fucking tell me!”

“Nothing! Nothing! I swear to God! I don’t even know your last name!” When Tavros thought the grip at his arms would tighten so much that it would snap them in two, the door to the bathroom flew open, exposing them to the rest of the house. 

“Boys! Boys!” A familiar voice edged on laughter. The door closed. “Naughty, naughty. Gamzee, put the poor thing down. He’s trembling.” Over Gamzee’s shoulder, Mindfang waved to Tavros, dangling a foot and a half off the floor. When Gamzee showed no signs of letting up, she sucked her teeth and narrowed her eyes. “Is it hot in here? I should go, let you two continue. Or maybe I should stay…” 

“What do you want?” Gamzee spat. 

“I have to tell you something.”

“So tell me.”

A forewarning chuckle drew both of their attentions. “It’s a secret,” she beckoned, curling her fingers towards herself. Dropping Tavros like a sack of flour, Gamzee crossed the small bathroom with a single stride, standing over Mindfang in a huff as he waited to hear what she had to say. She was silent for a long moment, seeming to be taking in the look on Gamzee’s face, how stress and frustration contorted his features. 

“Look, I’m really busy--”

With a sudden puff of white bursting in the air, Mindfang blew a cloud of fine powder from the palm of her hand right into Gamzee’s face. Tavros watched in confused horror from the opposite side of the room. 

“Gamzee,” Mindfang called his attention, voice low and authoritative. Her smile disappeared. “It’s time to leave. Go get my coat.” 

With no resistance, Gamzee departed, leaving Tavros alone with Mindfang in the little bathroom, taking the syringe with him. Tav’s jaw dropped. He almost called out for him, but a silencing look from Mindfang stole his words. 

“Hold your breath until the air clears,” she instructed, “You wouldn’t want anyone taking advantage of your kindness, would you?”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im really having a hard time with motivation with this story. a lot just happened in a very short amount of time for me and i find myself unable to continue with a lot of aspects of my life. if you don't want this to be the ending, as much as i hate fishing for comments, some validation goes a long way for me. thank you.

“Gamzee!” Tavros cried. He scrambled to his feet, rushing out of the bathroom to chase after him. He could see him, walking fast and headed for the door. “Wait!” Just like that, Gamzee froze mid-step. He didn’t turn to investigate the voice. He didn’t move at all, just stood there like a statue. Tavros caught up, shoving through a sea of people, reaching out to put his hands on Gamzee before he disappeared again. But he smashed right into someone, and they both hit the ground. 

“Fuck, man,” Karkat rubbed a smarting shoulder that hit the floor for no apparent reason. He watched as Tavros scrambled to his feet like the floor was lava, and he was about to run off without so much as an apology for bringing them both down when Karkat grabbed his wrist, holding him in place. 

“Let me go!” Tavros struggled, watching in horror as Mindfang guided him outside. He was getting away. “Let me go! Let me go!”

“What the fuck is your problem!?” Karkat shouted, putting himself between Tavros and the door. Forced to look at him, Tavros willed himself to even out erratic breathing. Maybe if he explained what he saw, Karkat would help him.

“I saw her,” he gasped, “I saw her blow something in his face... and... now he’s gone.” 

“Wait, wait,” Karkat had him by the shoulders, squeezing him into complacency. “Tavros, what the Hell are you talking about? What happened?” No matter how much he squirmed, Tavros couldn’t break free. It was no use, he was too late. 

He shook his head, “There’s something wrong with him,” he said, swallowing a confused whine, “Mindfang must’ve… I don’t know!” 

“Shhh.” Karkat scanned the crowds, looking left and right with a suspicious scrutiny that only served to unnerve them both rather than put them at ease that no one was watching. Then karkat was moving, moving fast, “Follow me.” 

Chasing after him, Tavros made his way to the corner of the house, where he came upon a staircase. All the way up four breathless flights of steps, Karkat was waiting for him. On the roof. 

It was a cold night. Fresh rain was beginning to freeze over into pools of invisible ice. Missing a jacket, Tav wrapped his arms tight around himself in a vain attempt to keep warm. The brisk night air helped clear the fog out of his mind, whether it be from drinking or the miniscule taste of black smack that made it into his blood. But it wasn’t enough to really get to him, and he felt exactly the same. 

“What’s going on?” Tavros called across the rooftop. Karkat paced, stressed out and searching for the right words to say. But it felt like Karkat was ignoring him, and Tavros couldn’t stand it any longer. “Just tell me!” he yelled, “I’m sick of not knowing what’s happening to me! What’s wrong with Gamzee?! Why doesn’t Kurloz talk anymore?! Where’s Meulin’s sister?!”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Karkat roared over the cars on the street down below. Tavros jumped out of his skin, silencing immediately. The fire in Karkat’s eyes seemed to glow in the darkness. “You don’t get to talk about her, Tavros. You have no fucking right!”

“I-I just w-wanted to know--”

“I don’t know what the fuck’s going on! It’s bigger than all of us now! We’re fucked!”

Karkat stormed off, turning his back on Tavros to dig into his pockets. He briefly thought about setting the whole pack on fire in the stairwell and hotboxing until he felt better, but faint whimpers of upset reeled him back in. Lighting the end of his cigarette, he trudged back to where Tavros shivered and willed away tears. He’d sank to the ground, hugging his knees to his chest. 

“Here,” Karkat handed him a well needed cigarette, helping Tavros to his feet. “That guy, the old man with the big ass bodyguards, that’s Gamzee’s dad,” Karkat admitted, taking a long drag that resulted in close to no exiting smoke, “We call him Old Goat.” 

Some of the tension bled free, and Tavros could relax just the smallest bit. His movements slowed down. He was exhausted, drowsy like a child just after a draining temper tantrum. He nodded his understanding. 

“So that guy, Old Goat,” Karkat clarified. He planted a hand on Tav’s shoulder, “he knows about you. He’s seen you.”

“What does that mean?” Tav asked halfheartedly, more as a formality. He wouldn’t raise a fuss if Karkat wouldn’t answer. He was used to being deliberately kept in the dark. 

“It means,” he sighed a breath of white smoke, “you’re in too deep to not know what kind of shit you’re in.” Tavros perked up, alert and attentive all while remaining silent, as if the sound of his voice would scare it all away. “Let me get something straight,” Karkat said. Tavros nodded, listening carefully. “I love her, Terezi,” just a flicker of a smile pulled at Karkat’s lips, “We were gonna run away from all this,” his barely there smile sank into a defeated frown, “but what’s the point. He’ll find us eventually, and when he does, he’ll be pissed. Like I said, all of us are fucked.”

“I’ll help you,” Tavros volunteered without a second thought, without fully realizing the gravity of what was said, “I’ll do whatever I can.” 

Karkat thanked him, exhaled a nervous breath, and recalled the chain of events that led him here. “This is a long story, are you taking notes?” Though the sarcasm was intended to take the edge off, Tav’s nerves only ramped up as he waited for the explanation he longed for.

“I’ve known Gamzee a long time, since we were thirteen. People would pick on him and stuff, but he never really noticed or gave a shit. I got picked on a lot too, and he was the only kid that would defend me. So we became friends. He wasn’t a bad person is what I’m trying to get at. Once we made it to high school, my folks were making me take anti-depressants and Gamzee was already smoking and getting hammered on Tuesday nights. One day, he broke into my apartment telling me he stole some shit from his dad and he couldn’t stop thinking about it, took it right off his brother who was running their drug monopoly from here to Toronto.” 

“ _Kurloz?_ ” Tav questioned, finding it difficult to see Kurloz serving as head of an illegal drug company, never mind how shocked he was that Old Goat was the Patriarch of a family of organized crime. All this time, he’d thought Al Capone was the only mob boss in Chicago, all others were urban legends, but he was wrong. 

“No,” Karkat shook his head, “Gamzee and Kurloz had another brother, an older one.” Tav’s eyes widened. Karkat nodded, understanding the disbelief. “We don’t talk about him much,” he admitted, “He’s dead.” 

“What?” Tav gasped, accidentally taking in a lungful of smoke and coughing his brains out.

“Got whacked for telling Kurloz some big family secret before he was ready. Kurloz lost it during the funeral. He ran home and sewed his lips shut so he’d never tell Gamzee and get him killed. To Goat and Kurloz, Gamzee was still clean of all this, but he was neck deep right under their noses. Goat made a whole thing about getting the stitches removed to make it seem like he loved his kids, but Kurloz never spoke again.” 

It was just as Meulin had said, Kurloz gave up his voice protecting Gamzee. Only he knew what the secret was, and he’d never tell a soul. But all the while, Gamzee was driving himself further and further away from return, and now it was too late. 

Karkat watched Tavros try to rationalize everything at once. For the most part he behaved as he normally has. There was no pressure drop, no lethargy, no disconnection. 

“You didn’t take it, did you?” Karkat noticed. Tav sighed. 

“I wanted to,” he admitted, “Gamzee walked in right as I was about to.” Just thinking on the ferocity Gamzee had taken on in that moment alone had him shaking. “He was so mad, Karkat, I thought he was gonna beat the shit out of me.” 

Karkat swallowed, handing off another smoke without even looking. Tav had been nervously chewing at the used up filter long enough to singe his lips and tongue. The thanks were implied. 

“Do you know what it does?” Karkat asked, staring out into the city lights. 

“Makes you numb, right?” Tavros replied, flicking his lighter to life. “That doesn’t sound too bad…”

Karkat inwardly agreed, but put it out of his mind. 

“The Makaras have this new type of black heroin brought over from Mexico. They added a compound from some weird Puerto Rican shit and now it’s the most potent, expensive drug on the market. It makes you happy, productive, slows your brain down, and numbs you just enough to feel like the world’s a better place.” 

It was a perfect description; a bit slow, but made up for it in optimism. Tavros sank into deep, provocative thought, realizing that he’d never actually spoken to Gamzee when he wasn’t high. Everything he knew about his personality was chemically induced, and Tav had no idea what lied underneath. Everything they did, every word they said to one another was nothing more than a fever dream to him. Gamzee was a complete stranger. 

“He’s addicted…” No matter how much Tav’s instincts told him that this whole situation was never going to end well, even if he didn’t know Gamzee as well as he thought, he still didn’t want anything to happen to him. “Can’t we get him help?” he suggested, “Maybe we can convince him to quit. Once and for--”

“No,” Karkat interrupted, startling poor Tavros who accidentally burned himself yet again. “You don’t know what he’s like when he’s off it. Someone has to find a way to convince Goat to let him have it.” 

“Why?” 

“I was getting to that, god damn it, don’t rush me!” Karkat snapped a little louder than he had to. He raked both hands through his hair, pulling at tufts of ruffled hair just to feel something, to confirm that he was here and this was real. He took a deep breath, hissing it out between his teeth as memories he’d worked so hard on repressing flooded back. Years of therapy were wasted as it all dredged up, as vivid as ever in his mind’s eye. 

Tavros stood off to the side, awkwardly witnessing the hard shell that Karkat hid behind came crumbling down. “H-Hey,” he interjected. A step closer showed him that Karkat was shivering. “It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me if you--”

“It’s fine,” Karkat hissed. With a deep breath of fresh air exhaled through his nose, Karkat pulled himself together when he realized he had an audience. “I’m fucking over it. It’s fine.” Tavros didn’t believe him, having never seen Karkat display any other emotions that weren’t anger or that little flash of bliss just moments ago. “We went to the same college,” he went on like nothing had happened, “even lived together in the same apartment, which was weird. Place always smelled like weed and faygo. Super strange.”

“Okay,” Tavros encouraged, hoping Karkat would stop tap-dancing around the subject. But Karkat was anxious and getting progressively worse and worse. He had to light himself yet another cigarette just to give his hands something to do. 

“We had these two other roommates, Nepeta and Equius.” Karkat shivered, simply saying their names aloud after so long was physically upsetting him, but he pressed on. “Nep was my girlfriend at the time, been together since fifth grade. I know, it’s a little ridiculous, but… that’s how it was.” Karkat smiled again, fully and unashamedly. “You would’ve gotten along pretty well. She loved cats and shitty jokes. She might’ve even loved cats more than me.” 

“It sounds like she liked cats _because_ of you, Kar _kat_.” Tavros couldn’t hide quiet laughter and Karkat blushed bright red. He shoved Tavros in the shoulder, but meant no harm by it. 

“She was so wholesome and kind hearted. I don’t know why she even gave me the time of day.” Karkat paused, lost in time for a moment before he changed the subject. “Equius was a decent dude, too. He was always sweaty and gross, though. He had this weird sense of propriety that got under my skin, but all around, he wasn’t terrible.”

“Sounds like a pretty good set of roommates,” Tavros complimented. But Karkat’s smile faded away, bringing them back to present issues. 

“We all thought we would support him, help him get clean, get a job, escape his shitty mafioso father. We had pretty decent jobs and Gamzee paid all the rent, so we really thought we could do it. The first few weeks went so well, Tavros...” Karkat trailed off, staring at nothing in particular off in the distance. 

“...What happened?” Tavros asked, sensing the beginning of another wave of anxiety within Karkat. But he didn’t snap at him this time. He just went blank. 

“I went home to see my parents for a week,” Karkat replied monotonously. He didn’t blink, just stared dead ahead as if he was watching events unfurl before him. “He was passed out on the couch wearing Nep’s hat and Equius’ glasses…”

* * *

“I’m home!” Karkat yelled into the house from the door. He frowned. “Did something die in here? It smells like shit!” No reply. Karkat grumbled as he fought with an annoyingly large suitcase he had to bring to his parents’ new place in Boston. They made him take home the rest of his shit from his old room which they kept in a box in the guest room closet. They didn’t miss him at bit. 

“Anyone home?” he called into the house again with no response. He did hear a fairly loud buzzing sound coming from the living room. “Flies? You shit trumpets can’t clean up after yourselves for one week?” 

All the lights were on, which was highly unusual. Even if Equius and Gamzee forgot to turn them off before they left for school or work, Nepeta always turned them off when she left the house last. 

“Nepeta! Are you home?” 

No answer. 

An uneasy feeling bubbled in Karkat’s gut as he wandered through the house. No one was in their rooms, no one in the kitchen, no one in the bathroom. Last to check was the livingroom. The rancid smell seemed to be coming from there, and got stronger as he advanced. When he approached the door, he could see a pair of purple chucks resting on an arm of the couch. Gamzee was home, and better be sleeping. Karkat hated to be ignored. 

“Gamzee,” Karkat spat, “You fucking scared the shit out of me. What did I tell you about--”

Karkat froze. 

In a heap on the floor in the corner of the room was Equius. An archery bow they displayed over the mantle was broken in half, and the string was wrapped so tightly around his neck that it dug into his flesh and made him bleed. He stared across the room in Karkat’s direction, eyes gone milky and empty. Equius was dead. 

“Oh my god…” Karkat whispered, “Oh my fucking god!” 

He started over to him, looking over to make sure Gamzee wasn’t dead too. He was met with a sight he could never have prepared to see. Gamzee was asleep, passed out as it seemed, wearing a goofy blue hat with cat ears sewn onto it. Resting low on the bridge of his nose were a pair of beat up, scratched sunglasses, in his hand, a bloodied circus club. But that wasn’t the worst part. 

“Please… No…”

A head of thin, dark hair sat behind the far arm of the couch. From the looks of the bloodstain on the wall, it must’ve been caved in in the back. Karkat took a few small paces to the side and she came into view. Nepeta was propped up against the wall as well. She was beaten to a bloody pulp and left to rot. By the sizable dent in the back of her head, Karkat could tell that he was too late. Nepeta was dead. 

Karkat fell to his knees, taking in the sight of the only one on Earth who took the time to truly understand him. Helplessly crawling to her side, he cleaned away the blood staining her cheeks. She was freezing. The smell was nearly unbearable but the sight absolutely killed him. She’d been dead for a few days. Perhaps she’d only lived long enough to see him off just a week ago. 

“I love you more than anything,” he whispered, “I love you more than anything.”

* * *

_Breaking News! College Dorm Massacre!_

_Two college students on the other side of the country were found dead in their apartment with the third roommate missing. Equius Zahhak, was found in the living room, strangled with a broken archery bow. Nepeta Leijon, was found beaten to death with some sort of blunt instrument and dragged from her bedroom to the living room post mortem. The police assumed the assailant meant to kill all four roommates but the third, Gamzee Makara, had escaped, and the fourth, Karkat Vantas, had been out of town during the incident. More at 11._

“I remember…” Tavros recalled, “I was in school when they stopped class and had social workers counsel big groups of us in the auditorium.” Karkat was silent. “Poor Gamzee…” Tavros mused, “did they ever find the guy?”

Suddenly spurred into action, Karkat blinked himself back to present reality and looked over to Tavros with wide eyes. 

“Don’t you get it?” Tavros opened his mouth to answer, but Karkat cut him off. “He _is_ the guy. When Gamzee isn’t on something to keep him dazed, he’s volatile. He’s dangerous!”

“B-But--” 

Karkat had both hands on him now, gripping his shoulders like all lives depended on it. He forced Tavros to listen carefully. 

“Kurloz and I have been trying to scare you off. It’s going to get bad, Tavros, and people are going to die. You need to get as far away from him as possible when he breaks.” Tavros shook his head disbelievingly. There was no way he could’ve fallen into something so dire without any idea. Gamzee was just a little temperamental, that’s all. But Karkat saw Tavros trying to reason this all out in Gamzee’s favor, and with a firm shake, he erased it all out of Tav’s mind. “It’s happened before,” he said, “He always finds some starry-eyed twink and ruins their life. I know you think you can make a difference. Trust me, I get it. But you’re better than this, Tavros. You shouldn’t be smoking. You shouldn’t even be here. You should be at home playing video games like the rest of the nerds your age. What would your mom say if she found out what you’re into?”

A wash of offended anger furrowed Tav’s brows. “My mother is dead,” he deadpanned. Karkat apologized for that last comment, releasing Tav’s shoulders. The offense faded away as quickly as it came. Tavros understood what Karkat was getting at and knew that he wouldn’t have said that to affront him on purpose. Karkat just wanted to warn him, to save him from whatever was to come. He still got the sense that he didn’t know the full story, but he wouldn’t press for more. 

“I’m so sorry, Karkat,” he nearly whispered, “but I have to do something. I can’t just leave him.” 

Karkat had expected this. He took a moment to accept that he’d done all he could. His hands were clean. “Fine,” Karkat shrugged. He’d done all he could do. His business in Chicago was finished. “You’re a good kid, Tavros. I really hope nothing happens to you. Gamzee is my friend, but I know what he’s capable of.” 

Karkat turned to leave, stopping just before he reached the staircase at the sound of Tav’s voice telling him to wait. He was only a few steps behind him when he turned around, and Tavros caught him in a warm, pervading hug. Relaxing from the initial shock, Karkat found himself oddly okay with it, and returned this goodbye wholeheartedly. 

“Take care, okay?” Tavros wished. “Be safe.” 

“You too.” Released after a few more lingering moments, Karkat took a few steps toward the staircase. “Maybe I’ll come back sometime,” he thought out loud, “make sure you’re still in school and all that bullshit.”

Tavros smiled. “Yeah whatever.”

With final goodbyes and a clean break, Karkat left Tavros on the roof. Tav watched the streets below, bustling with life and the usual business of the wee hours of the night. Eventually, Karkat emerged from the front door, head down and rushing away to get home to Terezi as quickly as he could. Sad as Tavros was to see Karkat go, knowing that he full well may never see him again, he was glad he could move on. This place held too many ghosts for Karkat. He deserved some peace.

* * *

Standing over the river, Karkat stared into the dark, murky waters below. A sad excuse for a current sluggishly carried dirty water into the lake not far from here. It wasn’t much of a goodbye, but Karkat stared into the depths, with thousands of cars zooming by behind him, and silently acknowledged his last moments on this bridge. He’d never see this river again. He’d never stand behind the bar at Seagoats, or at the House of Blues. He’d made up his mind. As soon as he made it home, he and Terezi were going to leave. They would head west, to Seattle. They would start a new life free from all of this death and betrayal. He could finally forget about what had happened to Nepeta Leijon. 

He straightened up, shoving his hands in his pockets as he continued down the sidewalk. It was darker at the end of the bridge; a streetlight had gone out, or maybe some punks smashed it. Karkat barely registered the difference as he disappeared into the shadows. He didn’t even see the hooded figure he walked right past. He had no idea anyone else was there until a sandy voice called out to him. 

“Hey, motherfucker.” The figure held out his hand. “Got a light?”

“Gamzee…” Karkat let out a sigh of relief, having gasped in surprise at the sight of his friend. He took a trusting step forward, digging around in his pocket for a lighter. “What are you doing here?” he asked, tossing the lighter to Gamzee who caught it without looking. 

“Needed some fresh air,” he replied vaguely. The spark of the lighter illuminated his face for a few brief moments. His pupils were pretty blown. Karkat took another step forward. 

“What happened in the base--”

“Why did you give it to him?” Gamzee interrupted, huffing out a puff of smoke. He stared out into the water. 

Karkat’s brow furrowed, “Since when do you care? You haven’t spoken in weeks.” 

“I’ve been busy.”

“Right,” Karkat scoffed, “busy sulking or running around with Mindfang. That’s really fucked up, Gamzee. He really cares about you.” 

Gamzee stiffened, going completely still. “What do you know? You don’t _care_ about anything.” 

“Yeah and whose fault is that?” Karkat shot, “She was everything to me, Gamzee, and here I am trying to help you.” Gamzee didn’t seem to be listening, much too preoccupied with smoking to really pay attention. That, or he was ignoring the truth. “To an outsider, it probably looks like I care about you. You’re my best friend.” 

Dropping what remained of his cigarette, Gamzee watched it fall to the ground. He snuffed it out with a stomp much crueler than necessary. 

“A best friend wouldn’t make me choose.” 

Suddenly, Karkat felt very small compared to Gamzee, who seemed to be looming over him.

“A best friend wouldn’t give Tav a lethal dose of the worst thing that he could take.”

With every small shuffle backward, Gamzee advanced with wide, confident strides. 

“A best friend wouldn’t get in the way.”

“Gamzee…” Karkat raised his hands in surrender, searching for somewhere to make eye contact, but the darkness of the street was too thick. “You’re acting weird…” Gamzee stood tall over him. He was quiet for a while, as if sinking into deep thought. 

“We can get you clean,” Karkat suggested, taking another cautious step further into the dark. “Gamzee, we can get you the help you need. It was Tav’s idea. He wants to--” 

A firm grip constricted Karkat’s windpipe, effectively silencing him. Karkat sputtered as he rose through the air. Both hands clawed at Gamzee’s wrist, fighting to be free, but it was no use. 

“You know too much, Karkat,” Gamzee growled so low he could barely hear it. “We told you what would happen if you tried to leave town.” Fragments of frantic begs and pleads built up a pressure in Karkat’s throat, but no matter how much he kicked and squirmed Gamzee would not let go. “Don’t worry,” Gamzee reassured in a dismal tone, “I’ll tell Terezi what you said.”

“Leave us alone,” Karkat managed to rasped through the thin breaths he could take. He got the warning. He wouldn’t leave. Hell, he would let Gamzee move in with him if it would prevent this from ever happening again. 

Gamzee shook his head. And produced a large box cutter. 

All the blood drained from Karkat’s face. 

“Not tonight.”

He could feel every inch of dirty, dull steel pushing further and further into his chest, scraping his ribs, puncturing his lung. It was white-hot and pervading, but it wasn’t pain. It was dissociation. His eyes finally adjusted to the pitch blackness, and he could make out the bloodthirsty daze on Gamzee’s face. He didn’t blink or breathe, didn’t react at all when Gamzee twisted the blade and pulled it out, only to bury it a few inches to the right, in the center of Karkat’s heart. 

Gamzee loosened his hold on Karkat’s throat, and as soon as the pressure subsided, a mouthful of blood burst from his mouth. With the last of rapidly disappearing strength, Karkat lifted a heavy hand to Gamzee’s face, brushing away the hair that fell into his eyes. 

“Shhh…” he hushed, “It’s gonna be alright…” 

Gamzee blinked. The blinding rage boiling inside him reduced just the smallest bit. He was a little more aware of his surroundings. Karkat noticed the fog lift inside him, and with the last of his strength he gave his final goodbye. 

“Tavros is going to save you, Gamzee.” 

Gamzee watched the light leave his eyes, they faded away to void blankness. Only then did he realize what had happened. His best friend sagged in his arms, bleeding profusely from two through-and-through stab wounds. Without even thinking, Gamzee tossed him over the side of the bridge, ridding himself of the body, but not the guilt nor the blood on his hands and clothes. 

He watched as Karkat’s body hit the water. One of his hands seemed to reach out for him, sinking into the water last. The current carried him away. Then he was lost to the filthy river. Tears poured from Gamzee’s eyes, staring out into the darkness and ruminating on the horror he’d just committed as a pair of heels sauntered toward him. 

“I’m so sorry, Karkat,” he whispered to the air around him. Just as the thought of joining Karkat in the waters below crossed his mind, two hands dug their claws into his shoulders. 

“Gamzee,” a smooth voice purred his name, “Gamzee, look at me.” 

Looking over his shoulder, Gamzee noticed an unapologetic smirk pulling up the corners of Mindfang’s lips. “What did I do,” he implored, “What the fuck did I just do?” 

She paused, pulling a contemplative face, “Hmm…” Gamzee thought she was going to give him the answers he needed to make sense of what just happened. But she opened up a hand she’d been squeezing shut, blowing a cloud of that same white powder right into his face. Breathing hard already, he inhaled a substantial amount of the powder, and calmed almost instantly. 

“You did a very good job, Gamzee.” She smiled and nodded her head like she was praising a third grader. “Karkat was going to hurt Tavros.” Gamzee didn’t respond or react in any way shape or form. Mindfang’s smile grew into a menacing grin. “Let’s go,” she commanded, and Gamzee followed her to where his car lied in wait just around the corner. The disappeared into the night, and even with the streets teeming with life, no one witnessed a thing.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two disclaimers:
> 
> 1) if you know me in real life, and you read my shit, please don't tell me you do. i love writing fanfiction. it keeps me busy and helps me practice so my novels are as good as they can be, but im not proud of these. i don't try very hard at all. so please don't tell me you read these, that's literally my nightmare. 
> 
> 2) if my headcannons don't sync up with your headcannons, that sucks, but this is free content. you didn't pay, so you might not get exactly what you want. altered states gamzee isn't black like some of you (anon trolls) would like him to be. altered states tavros isn't a bara like some of you would like him to be. if you don't like my story don't fucking read it, that's all i have to say. if you want me to write your headcannons you have to pay. it's as simple as that. 
> 
> anyway, thanks for putting up with my long ass hiatuses, im a mental case with a busy work schedule.

The smell of something frying in the kitchen pulled Tavros up through the depths of sleep into consciousness. Soft sunlight, filtered through the blinds on the windows, glared hard, stinging his eyes and creating a dull, throbbing pain in the back of his head. With every moment that passed, it became a little more clear to him where he was. He was curled up in a ball deep in Amelia’s embrace, stewing in a puddle of drool he’d been working on for hours. He shifted to get up but movement only aggravated the pressing hangover that made his brain feel swollen and his tongue a little too thick in his mouth. With a pitiful groan, he cleaned up the side of his face that had been sitting in drool all night and sat up. 

He could hear it, the sound of something sizzling in a pan just a few paces away. Someone was definitely in his house, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. If they wanted his money, he didn’t have any. If they wanted his stuff, they could have it. If they wanted to kill him they would’ve done so already. It couldn’t be that bad, given all these facts. 

Shielding his eyes from the light with a palm pressed firmly to each socket, Tavros let out another pathetic, pained whine. He vaguely wondered why he kept doing this to himself, and came to some sort of hazy conclusion, whatever it was. He couldn’t quite put the pieces together, but the satisfaction was there. He looked around the room once his vision cleared enough to sharpen up the smaller details. Through the hallway, he could see a small sliver of the kitchen. A head of long, wild hair headed right for him. 

“Oh,” a quieted, softened voice exclaimed, “good afternoon.” 

Tavros couldn’t believe it. He had to be dreaming. Or tripping. Or dead. 

Vriska Serket greeted him with a warm smile, making her way down the hall with quick and quiet steps to join him in the living room, silver frames of her glasses glinting in the light, an elusive look seldom seen by even those closest to her. 

As if his hands had minds of their own, he ran his fingers over his wrists and forearms for any fresh track marks, ran his tongue over his gums in search of any undissolved residue, passed the back of his hand over his nose for signs of any influence. He stared at her, jaw on the floor, looking to find out what sort of drug could’ve caused such a vivid hallucination. 

“I called Tom,” she said, sitting beside him on the couch, “I told him you were sick and he gave you the whole week off saying you’re working yourself to death!” She laughed quietly to herself, shaking her head. “You were gonna be pretty late, anyway. So, now you can rest.” 

Tavros worked to clear his mind, hoping to remember _anything_ from last night that would help him explain this. Only the image of a dark green bottle was clear enough to consider true. 

“Must’ve been moonshine or something…” he grumbled under his breath. Speaking only made the ache and confusion worsen, and he had to drop his head to his hands just to keep from collapsing. “Ugh, what is _happening_ to me?” A gentle hand came to rest between his shoulder blades. 

“Hey,” Vriska sighed, even softer than before. She looked at him with concern weighing down her features. “Are you feeling okay? Should I go get the trash can?” 

She was touching him. She wasn’t disappearing. She was really there. 

“No,” Tavros snapped, using all of his strength to look up at her. “What are you doing here?”

She seemed taken aback, as if she thought she belonged here, or at least she didn’t expect him to question her when she’d been so kind thus far. But Tavros couldn’t relax around her. He knew just how devious she could get. She was never _nice,_ and when she was, it was only to benefit herself. Vriska went quiet for the moment. She waited for Tav’s mood to change, but when it didn’t, she grew even more concerned. 

“You called me, remember? At like 3am.” Tav’s eyes widened. He had half a mind to start looking for his phone, demanding proof, but she went on. “I wasn’t going to come at first; you seemed pretty wasted and I figured it was an accident. But you sounded so…” trailed off, dropping her gaze to the floor. “You were so scared. I could hear your voice shaking over the phone.”

“If you came here to make fun of me, why did you stay?” Tavros grumbled, missing the point entirely. 

“I’m not here to make fun of you,” Vriska countered sharply. She let out a sigh and willed away her usual prickliness. “I’m here to help you,” she corrected smoothly. But Tavros seemed to have adopted her usual temperamentality.

“You’ve done enough,” he banished without even looking at her. 

She coughed, temporarily silenced by the swift and blunt tone he chose to speak to her in. Obviously, she had no idea what sort of condition she’d found him in upon arrival. He needed her. There was no telling what could’ve happened to him if she didn’t get to him when she did. 

“What’s going on with you, Tavros?” she interrogated, her voice raising. 

“What do you mean?”

She made a face, counting all the abnormalities she’s come to understand thus far on her fingers. “You’re sneaking around. You’re sleeping on this couch, which isn’t even comfortable to sit on. You haven’t been going to class. You’re so hungover, you should probably be dead!”

“So what?”

“So what?” she repeated, steadily getting more and more upset the more Tavros ignored her. “You’re not that kind of person!” she wound up shouting, knowingly disturbing his headache just to get some sort of reaction from him. He winced at the shooting pain that ripped up and down his spine, but he had nothing to say to her. “I just wanna know why,” she compromised, settling back down, “Did I do this..?”

Finally, Tavros edged in just a bit to face her more directly. “You helped,” he replied bluntly, “but no. This time, amazingly enough, this isn’t about you.” 

With a deep breath, Vriska sat up, perched in the very corner of the couch. She waited quietly for him to say something else, and it took Tavros a good long moment to realize that she was actually listening to him. She wanted him to explain and he wasn’t sure he knew how to, given this chance of a lifetime. “I’m in over my head,” he started simply. Vriska’s eyes widened, growing large and worried behind her glasses. “I’m not sure how much trouble I’m in yet. It might be fine, but--”

_BANG BANG! ___

A pounding on the door nearly made Tavros jump out of his skin. Vriska lept from the couch, feet barely making a sound as she rushed to the door, considerately working fast to silence the noise that was making Tavros want to cut his own head off just to escape the pain. Throwing open the door, an exhausted, unfathomably pissed off Terezi Pyrope barrelled right into the house, wearing a t-shirt and boxers that weren’t even hers. Perhaps they were now. 

“Karkat Vantas!” she shouted loud enough to annoy the neighbors across the street. Tavros let out a pitiful whine, falling back into a semi-horizontal position atop the couch. Vriska, knowing that Terezi couldn’t see her, gripped the sides of Terezi’s arms; their agreed upon greeting. Terezi shook her off, marching further into the house. “Where is he!? Karkat!”

“He’s not here!” Vriska whispered harshly. But Terezi didn’t want to take the hint to be quiet. She searched the house to the best of her ability, tracing her fingertips along the walls she didn’t fully recognize. She sniffed around like a shark out for blood. Tying her hair up into a loose ponytail just to have one less thing to worry about, Vriska chased after her. “Terezi, what the fuck!?” she questioned. Terezi whirled around. 

“He didn’t come home last night,” he hissed. “I’ve been looking all day. He won’t answer my calls or anything!” Vriska threw her hands up in the air, obviously not the best response to give Terezi, especially not when she was beside herself like this. But a quiet mumble from the livingroom provided information that Vriska couldn’t provide. 

“His phone is broken,” Tavros informed from the couch, “I saw him smash it.”

“You saw him?” Terezi asked, stomping into the living room, “When?”

“God, I don’t know--” Suddenly, Terezi was right on top of him, roughing him up with a tight grip and sharp nails and snarling like a rabid dog. 

“You better fucking tell me!”

“Terezi!” Vriska exclaimed from the other side of the room. 

“If I don’t find him by the end of the day, you’re dead! Hear me? Dead!”

“Terezi. Calm down.” Vriska made her way to the couch, separating Terezi and Tavros before any more harm could come to anyone else. She handled Terezi with great care, walking on eggshells around this personal crisis her friend was having. Terezi had parted with her usual balanced nature. Without Karkat, she was out of alignment, and she didn’t know how to return to safe and comfortable equilibrium. 

“There’s something very wrong!” she cried, sinking down into the opposite corner of the couch. “He wouldn’t just disappear like this, he would’ve told someone… I thought that someone was me.”

“We’ll help you look for him,” Vriska offered, absorbing the nervousness Terezi let off. She was cool and organized, knowing exactly how to calm Terezi down enough to make rational decisions. “I’ll ask around at work,” she stated, “maybe my sister knows something. I’ll give her a call.”

Terezi nodded. “Okay.” She took a few deep breathes, guided back to a tenuous serenity by Vriska of all people. But Tavros shifted ever so slightly in his place on the couch, reminding her of his presence. “And what will you do?” she snapped. Tavros went pale for a second, then blushed under the heat of the spotlight she shined right in his eyes. He tumbled over the beginnings of a few different thoughts, unable to come up with any convincing excuse as to why he would rather not leave the house today. When he couldn’t find one that could override Karkat being missing, he gave up and offered his assistance. 

“I’ll… I’ll ask Gamzee… I guess.” Terezi looked over in his general direction. He could see the darkness of her lashes narrowing behind the red of her glasses. “What?” he questioned her skepticism aloud. 

“I know what you do,” she deadpanned, and Tavros paled once more. 

Without so much as an explanation, Terezi stood from the couch. “Call me if you hear anything,” she said without looking back. Vriska called after her, offering to loan her something to wear, but Terezi was already out the door, leaving Vriska and her motherly streak at a loss. With an exasperated sigh, she turned her attention back to Tavros who looked more than a little shell shocked. 

“Tavros?” He stared at nothing in particular. “You okay?”

“Yeah…” he affirmed rather unconvincingly. Vriska raised a brow but changed the subject anyway. 

“You’re friends with Karkat Vantas?” she questioned with a roll of her eyes. “I mean, he’s such a dick--”

“Oh, shut up,” Tavros groaned, too exhausted and sickly to hide his disappointment in her. All the bravery he didn’t realize went into saying that disappeared at the fire in her eyes. She was quiet for a moment, but he could sense the interrogation ahead. 

“What were you doing last night?” was question one. 

“I-It’s none of your business,” he replied, trying to salvage misguided confidence. She didn’t believe him. Her jaw was locked, hands balled into fists, but she didn’t say anything else for a long while, creating a suspenseful, uncomfortable silence. Then she, too, stood from the couch. 

“I’m coming back after work,” she announced. “You better be here when I do. And you better answer me when I call and check on you.” It wasn’t up for debate and Tavros wasn’t stupid enough to argue with her at this point. He just sat there, amazed he’d made it out of that alive at all.

* * *

“Ugh!” she growled into the receiver of her phone. “Come on, you whore, answer your phone!” 

Shoving a handful of dark hair out of her eyes, Vriska leaned up against the back door of the shop, halfway into the alleyway desperately trying to reach someone by phone. She hissed to herself when she was sent to voicemail a third time. 

Vriska was having a difficult day. After this morning, she’d forgotten to bring her contacts and grumpily wore her glasses to work. Though they framed her sharp green eyes perfectly and offset high cheekbones sprinkled with freckles, she hated wearing them, especially to work. But, as a tattoo artist, she was obligated to see while on the job, regardless of having to adjust her glasses every fifteen seconds. 

The only customers that had come in today were a bunch of high schoolers who didn’t know what they wanted, which was always annoying. When she’d finally given all eight of them the exact same cliche pink heart on all of their wrists, she took an hour long break. Technically, she was only allotted thirty minutes, but she, and everyone in the city, knew she was the best at her trade. And the best in their trade always deserved a longer break. 

“Come on!” she huffed, but no one would answer. It didn’t take long for her grumbles of frustration to attract the unwanted attentions of some upper class white kid in a pair of perfectly horrible khakis. 

He reached out for her. “Hey, I--”

“Get lost, loser,” she growled, calling just one more time. The fear in his eyes must’ve amused the gods. They granted Vriska’s wish. The other line picked up. 

_“Yes, Vriska?”_

“Finally!” she exclaimed, letting out a sigh of relief. 

_“Ha ha… What’s the haps?”_

“We need to talk. Where are you?” 

_“Out. Aren’t you at work?”_

Vriska groaned, swatting that kid’s persistent hand, “Sorta, but it’s important.” 

“Is that your boyfriend?” the kid tried to slide in with an irritating smile, “sounds like an asshole--”

“Fuck off!” 

_“You sound busy.”_ The voice on the other end sounded vaguely amused. Vriska scoffed as the kid finally wandered away, grumbling something rude under his breath the way preppy rich kids always did when rejected. 

“Please,” Vriska implored, “I have to talk to you.”

_“Ughh! Fine! I’m on my way to Native Foods.”_

Vriska let out another relieved sigh, “I’ll meet you there.” 

Shoving her way through the shop, she grabbed her jacket by the sleeve and mumbled to the manager about taking a break. He waved her off uncaringly and she was free to go. It was a gloomy day out. The sky was grey and sinking to the ground. Drifts of fog hid the tops of the skyscrapers from view. It would probably rain soon. If she was lucky, she’d be able to beat it on her way home later, but something about that seemed unlikely. After a few long city blocks of stomping her way to Native Foods, Vriska looked up into the wind and saw a scantily dressed goth girl waving at her.

* * *

When the pain killers set in enough for his headache to subside, Tavros finally left the couch to take a well needed shower. Who knew what sort of germs came home with him last night. After scrubbing down as thoroughly as his grogginess would allow, he dried off, got dressed, and reclaimed his spot on the couch. 

_You have not reached Karkat Vantas. If I don’t get back to you, I’m probably ignoring you. Leave me alone and have a nice day._

Well that was a greeting if there ever was one. Tavros waited a while, staring out the window at two birds chasing each other, then tried again. 

_You have not reached Karkat Vantas. If I don’t get back to you, I’m probably ignoring you. Leave me alone and have a nice day._

At a bit of a loss, Tavros gave up on calling Karkat. Maybe he really was ignoring him. 

**Tavros:** hEY,,, uHH,,, tEREZI IS REALLY WORRIED ABOUT YOU, mAYBE YOU SHOULD CALL HER,,, iF YOU WANT YOU CAN TEXT ME JUST SO i KNOW YOU’RE OKAY,,? 

After waiting for at least ten minutes, Tavros groaned. Karkat would never pick up or text back. His cell phone was in smithereens on that bathroom floor. Tav was just going to have to wait and hope Karkat would contact someone in some way eventually. Onto his next order of business, finding Gamzee. He must know something, Tavros was sure of it. 

He was already down the elevator and out into the streets before he really thought about where he was going. He had no idea where Gamzee was. He’d tried the whole ‘searching the town’ thing before to little avail. He started to wonder what he would do if he actually found him. Maybe looking for him was a way to occupy his time without getting involved. Part of him must know that he won’t find Gamzee even if he broke into his house and waited for him. The question was what purpose did volunteering to find him serve? 

Tightening a leather jacket that he was pretty sure wasn’t his around himself, he headed in the direction of Seagoat’s. It was the furthest away, while Gamzee’s house was just down the street. He made a plan: he’d go to Seagoat’s, House of Blues, Martyr’s, then Gamzee’s house. It should take him the better part of the day. Karkat would probably turn up before nightfall. He probably wanted to clear his head. Tav was sure there wasn’t much to worry about regarding him. Karkat could take care of himself.

* * *

“Hey baby sister!” Mindfang crooned over the voice of the wind. Vriska groaned, grimacing at a face full of cold air that whipped her hair around and bit her nose and cheeks until they were red and stinging. “You look grim,” she observed, making a face and her sister’s glasses and furrowed brows. “What’s the deal?”

Mindfang wore this face of overly dramatic confusion and innocence and it never failed to annoy Vriska to the ends of the Earth. She scoffed and pushed past her sister, into the warmth of Native Foods. Mindfang rolled her eyes and followed suit, hoping that Vriska was just hangry and she’d get over herself soon. 

“It’s probably nothing,” she said, getting in line, “but have you seen Karkat Vantas around today?”

Mindfang’s mask of innocence fell to actual annoyed confusion. “Why should I care? He’s an asshole.” Vriska shrugged, not explicitly agreeing, but definitely not denying it. She was still surprised Tavros could tolerate being around that guy, never mind how Terezi could put up with him for two full years. 

“Terezi busted in at Tav’s place earlier today,” she explained, “Apparently he didn’t come home last night and she’s pissed. She’s tearing up the floorboards.” 

Mindfang was quiet, eyes trained on the menus, but she wasn’t really seeing them. She appeared to be far away, lost in thought. 

“You don’t think he’d cheat on her, do you?” Vriska went on, “I’d have to kick his face in. And it’s so weird knowing that he and Tavros are friends. Well, I guess Tavros has always been pretty naive--”

“Why do you even give a shit?” Mindfang interrupted so fast and so sharp that it drew Vriska’s attention from the menus to the side of her face. Mindfang chewed on her bottom lip, running her teeth across like she was trying not to say exactly what she wanted. Her eyes were narrow and focused, frustrated over this topic. “It’s not like he did anything to deserve your concern.”

Vriska was more than taken aback. Usually _she_ was the surly one and Mindfang was the jokester that couldn’t take anything seriously. All she did was ask if she’s seen Karkat and this generated quite the reaction. 

“Terezi is upset,” she reminded, “like, she’s really _really_ upset. More pissed than I’ve seen her since I met her. She told Tavros she would kill him if he didn’t help look for Karkat. I mean, I know she won’t, but still. It’s unsettling.” 

“And why did he tell _you_ this?” Mindfang countered, “I thought you two broke up.”

“We did. He just…” Vriska let out an exasperated sigh, looking to the ceiling, “he called me last night pretty late. He sounded terrified so I went to check on him.” 

“Don’t do this,” Mindfang groaned like a stubborn child. “Don’t tell me you have actual feelings.” Vriska scoffed. “What happened to my ice queen?” 

“Aranea, I’m serious!” Vriska cried a little too loudly, throwing her hands down in a huff. She startled the girl working the register. The absolutely deadly look Mindfang bore into her sister kept the girl silent. Vriska felt the room go cold, having learned the trick from Mindfang in the first place. She gave a little mumble of an apology for outing her birth name, then politely ordered a few extra things from the menu to keep in good standing with the employees of Native Foods. 

“It’s been what? A few months? Six at the most?” Vriska questioned as they headed to their table to wait for their food, “I’ve never seen _anyone_ get that bad so quickly. It’s like he doesn’t care anymore.”

Mindfang widened her eyes and shook her head nice and slow, blowing out a breath of air because she’d seen the extent of Tav’s lack of self-care. “Saw him doing some pretty uncharacteristic shit last night,” she said, opening a box of water and taking a small sip. “There’s a rumor that someone gave him like twelve ounces of absinthe and he power chugged it just to make a point! What I would’ve given to see that--”

Vriska stood in a flash. “Are you serious!” she shouted, cutting her sister off and drawing the eyes of almost the entire restaurant. “He should be in the hospital!” She hurried out of the booth they chose, ready to run, but Mindfang grabbed her wrist and held her fast. 

“Whoa! Whoa! It’s just a rumor!” Mindfang couldn’t hide the smile on her face. She’d never seen Vriska look so panicked, especially on someone else’s behalf. Her eyes flashed, they way her brows turned up dug new wrinkles into skin that wasn’t used to making such a worried expression. It was ridiculous. It was disgusting. It was so against Vriska’s character that Mindfang had to ask, “Why do you care, Vriska? You moved on.” Vriska fought the grip on her wrist. 

“And look what happened to him because of that?”

“So?”

“ _So_ I’ve done a lot of shit, but I’m not gonna let him run his life into the ground over me. I had to call him in sick from work today; he was never going to make it in time.”

Mindfang made a face. “Uh, this isn’t about _you._ ” she corrected, “It’s about Clowns McGee.”

Vriska cringed, falling back into her seat with a look on her face that could make milk curdle. She might’ve even vomited in her mouth just a bit. The same girl that worked the register came with their food, shaking as she approached her two most frequent and irritable customers. She tried to ignore the ill look on Vriska’s face and the sheer delight on Mindfang’s. She all but ran away from their booth shortly after. 

“I mean-- _Gamzee Makara?_ ” Vriska questioned, poking around at a bowl of curry and tofu with a pair of chopsticks. She looked into it like she would somehow understand what was happening to her life if she stared long enough. “That can’t be an actual thing. You have to be wrong.”

“Oh, it’s a thing alright,” Mindfang confirmed, gleefully watching her sister gag, “It’s absolutely tooth-rotting!” 

“How did that even happen?” 

“Hmm…” Mindfang thought for a moment, shoving vegan cheesecake into her mouth with little to no shame. Vriska waited patiently for an unnecessarily lengthy and hard to follow answer. “Maybe he’s trying to prove to himself that he can be cool without you,” she proposed, “which he totally can’t, I mean who are we kidding. But he probably thinks you were so shitty to him because he was boring, which he totally was, so he went out and found the polar opposite of you. Now he thinks Gamzee thinks he’s boring but in the process of figuring that out, he found some pretty bad coping mechanisms.” 

No response could articulate the static in Vriska’s mind better than a slow blink and a blank face. 

“How did I do?” Mindfang asked, licking her spoon clean before going in for another scoop of cheesecake. The sound of her voice actually forming coherent words snapped Vriska out of her stupor.

“Wait a minute,” she reorganized her train of thought, realizing that she had a disagreement with Mindfang’s hypothesis. “Gamzee doesn’t think Tavros is boring. Gamzee thinks everything is interesting. That’s why I hate him. He’s annoying as shit. Like a big stupid dog.” Mindfang rolled her eyes, a smirk pulling up the edges of her lips. “With _fleas_ ,” Vriska added to punctuate her extreme aversion to all things Makara, especially the youngest of the pack. 

“It’s whatever,” Mindfang dismissed with a casual wave of her spoon, “It’s not like they’re together or anything.” This caught Vriska’s attention. 

“They’re not?”

“Nope.”

A suspicious smugness raised a red flag. Mindfang was definitely sick minded at the best of time. She reveled in the dramatics of others, but this pleasure she took in Tav’s difficulties was extreme even for her. Tavros had never done anything to cross Mindfang as far as Vriska knew. There was no reason for her to enjoy his troubles so much. 

“What’s going on?” Vriska interrogated, dropping her voice so no one else could her. Mindfang shrugged like nothing was wrong, but Vriska knew better than to trust any innocence coming from her. “What are you getting yourself into?” she pressed, “Since when do you even run with the Makaras? Don’t you know who their dad is?”

“Meowlin told me that Kurloz was going to renounce his inheritance,” Mindfang seemed to change the subject. 

Vriska narrowed her eyes. “So?” Mindfang’s smugness darkened into shit-eating grin. Then it dawned on her, and Vriska’s jaw dropped. “No way,” she warned, voice barely a whisper. “There’s no way I can even let you do that!” While Vriska was mortified beyond all reason, Mindfang remained unworried and nonchalant. 

“I have him in the palm of my hand,” she explained simply. “Everything is fine, Vriska. We’ll be rich!”

Eyes wide as saucers, Vriska gaped like a dry drowning fish. She tried to reason it out, come at it from all sides to see if Mindfang had a point. But no matter how she tried to rationalize it, she came up with the same conclusion. She dropped low to the table, hissing through her teeth. 

“You can’t control a guy like that! He’s fucking crazy!”

“He’s not crazy, he’s _evil_ ,” she clarified with a smirk, “and if I don’t do it, someone else will. No one knows how to do it but me. No one can afford it. No one has the connections.”

Scanning the crowds, Mindfang leaned in, hand dipping down underneath the collar of her sweater and pulling out a glass bottle she wore on a chain around her neck. A white powder was sealed inside. “This is Devil’s Breath,” Mindfang explained, “it induces suggestibility and Amnesia. He’ll do anything I want and never remember it.” Vriska blinked at the delight plastered all over Mindfang’s face. She shoved the little glass phile back into her sweater, sighing, “plus I _love_ it when he’s angry. God, it gives me chills!” 

It was certain. Vriska was the only one who saw the danger. Everyone knew Gamzee was untrustworthy and _dangerous_ , yet they still wanted him in their lives. First Tavros, now her own sister. 

“You’re insane,” Vriska shook her head, pushing the bridge of her glasses up her nose. “You can’t control a guy like that, not even with drugs. Whatever made him do that to his roommates is still inside him. You can’t kill it with voodoo medicine, Mindfang. It’s just resting a while. Who know’s when he’ll snap and not even you can stop it.” 

“You won’t be saying that in our beach house in San Juan,” Mindfang sang with a shake of her shoulders. She could practically taste the margaritas and smell the salt in the air. “Have some faith in me, Vriska. I know what I’m doing.”

“What about Tavros?” Vriska deadpanned, her expression dropping into a scowl. 

Mindfang’s face fell, her happiness fading. “What about him?” Vriska narrowed her eyes to sharp points. 

“Well, he’s fighting pretty hard for him. At this rate, he’s gonna kill himself for a little attention.”

Mindfang was silent for a moment, detecting more than a little opposition from her sister. Taken aback by the harsh lack of support, Mindfang reinternalized her delight, settling back into her cool and casual demeanor. 

“He sure knows how to pick’em,” she observed, delivering a small, spiteful jab. 

“Oh shut up,” Vriska scoffed, wrinkling her nose in obvious displeasure. She didn’t deny anything, but she wasn’t happy about being lumped in with Gamzee Makara. She gasped when her phone vibrated. She pulled it out of her pocket, hoping for good news. “It’s Terezi,” she reported, scanning her latest text messages. “She’s checking the bar. If Karkat’s not there…”

“It’ll be okay,” Mindfang assured with fake sympathy. She donned that suspicious smirk she seemed to sport a lot nowadays. Knowing now what lied behind that smirk, Vriska stood from her place in the booth, gathering her things. 

“I don’t like this,” she clarified, making her departure. “I want nothing to do with this. I’m going back to work.” 

“You’ll change your mind,” Mindfang sang with a worriless wave of her hand. “Tell Tavros I saw hello, would you?”

Vriska turned sharply on her heel, putting herself eye to eye with her sister. For a long, hard moment, they were silent. Mindfang had to accept the full weight of Vriska’s warning glare.

“He’s just a kid,” she stated firmly, “He doesn’t want to be a part of this. Whatever you’re planning, just leave him out of it.”

“As long as he doesn’t interfere,” she offered easily. “Bye bye, now.” 

A deep mistrust tore a rift between them. Vriska turned and rushed out of the restaurant, leaving her sister to deal with the bill if she was suddenly so rich and powerful. She didn’t care. She had to get to Tavros before anyone else did. One thing Vriska was sure of was that Mindfang never cared about anyone’s safety but hers and Vriska’s. Everyone else was fair game. 

Mindfang watched as her sister headed out of the restaurant, tucking her head down to avoid the blustery wind. The second Vriska disappeared from sight, her phone came out, and she dialed a number she seldom called. He was never very reachable by phone, but he was now, and only to her. 

_“I’m busy,”_ a fiercely unhappy voice grumbled as soon as the line picked up. 

“Don’t be rude,” Mindfang snapped, “I have some bad news.” The other end was silent, waiting. Mindfang grinned. “Terezi is trying to hurt Tavros.”

_”She FUCKING WHAT!?”_

She widened her eyes, having to hold her phone at arm’s length. 

_”WHERE IS SHE!?”_ the other end roared. 

“She’s going to the bar. She thinks he’s there waiting for you.” Shifting her eyes to steer clear of any eavesdroppers, she lowered her voice, “You know what you have to do, Gamzee. You wouldn’t want her taking Tavros away from you, now would you?” 

Normally being hung up on was grounds for a thorough chewing out, but Mindfang’s grin only deepened. Her plan was coming together quite nicely, and no one would stand in the way.

* * *

When the sun ran for the hills, the clouds opened up. The city descended into pervading darkness so thick even the sighted couldn’t see an inch past their noses. Icy rain fell from the sky like bullets from Heaven itself. Terezi staggered down the streets, all but running to the bar from the House of Blues. She was almost there; just four blocks, a left, and two more blocks. As the day came to a close, she neared her limit. Hours of scouring the city heeded no clues. No one had any idea where he went, no inkling or proposals at all. Karkat’s whereabouts were truly a mystery. And the more she thought about it, the more tears she had to fight back. 

She was getting close. She was only a few storefronts away when she tripped over something, maybe an unforeseen bump in the pavement, and landed on her hands and knees. She was soaked to the bone, dark hair glued to the sides of her face, glasses askew. The surprise freed a choked sob that had been building up in her throat for the last three blocks. Out of nowhere, a pair of hands had her by the shoulders. 

“Are you okay, Miss?”

“Let me go!” she shouted, “I’m almost there! I have to get there before it’s too late!” 

The darkness that served as Terezi’s field of vision darkened even more. Someone stood right in front of her, crouched to meet her height on the ground. 

“It’s okay, dear,” an old lady’s voice reassured her, “where are you going?”

There were two people now. What seemed to be a man was helping her to her feet, and an old woman stood in front of her. The lady’s hands were frail and thin, clearing the excess rain from Terezi’s face. She accidentally dislodged her glasses. 

“No!” Terezi cried out of shock. Her hands shot up to shove the frames up into place. “I’m blind. I need these.” There was a pause. Maybe they felt sorry for her. Maybe they were frowning. 

“Where are you going?” the man asked from behind her. 

“To Seagoat’s,” she replied, “I’ll be fine, it’s just right there.” 

This is usually the part where whomever she was talking to was impressed by her directional skills. She pointed to the storefront three slots away. She could hear the difference in footsteps, making their doorways easy to discern. 

“Uh,” the man disagreed, “up there is the Chase Building.”

“No it isn’t,” Terezi snapped, furrowing her brows, “I know Seagoat’s is right there.”

“Perhaps you’ve gotten turned around,” the old woman suggested. 

Terezi’s mind spun off in a million different directions. How did she come so far off? She’d walked in the exact opposite direction! It would take her forever to reach him now!

She couldn’t hold in the lamenting sobs any longer. Though her eyes were screwed shut, hot tears poured from them. 

“There, there, sweetie, it’s okay.”

“No it’s not! You don’t understand. I have to find him!”

“Find who?”

“My boyfriend! He’s been missing since last night!”

The man at her side whispered something to the lady, they came to a consensus and stood before this girl they barely knew. Terezi tried to pull herself together, but the floodgates were open and there was no stopping her anxiety from running free. She was thrown for a loop. Karkat would never just disappear. As strong and independant as she was, she was lost without him. 

“We’re calling you a cab, young lady. Do you know where you’re going from here?” the old woman asked. The man with her must’ve been off with his thumb in the air. Even if she wanted to respond verbally, she couldn’t dream of saying anything coherent. She nodded and the woman gave her a comforting pat on the back. “It’s going to be okay. We’ll get you there.”

“Thank you… so much,” Terezi stammered when the cab pulled up. They paid the driver in advance and waved her off, but she didn’t see it. Her spirits lifted at the generosity of others, but she still needed to find Karkat. She couldn’t relax until she did. The ride in the cab was tense. As soon as he showed any sign of slowing, Terezi was out the door and running into Seagoat’s alone. The cab drove away into the night. 

Thunder boomed and cracked overhead. Heavy rain pelted the ground. She almost couldn’t hear her own footsteps, making it difficult to find the entrance to the storefront that would hopefully lead her to Karkat. They should be closing soon; she still had time. But as she approached, she noticed an eerie quiet that was very unconventional for Seagoat’s at this time of night. It should be packed, but tonight not a soul made a sound. For a second, she thought it might be closed, but when she tried the door, it opened with no trouble at all. 

“Hello?” she called, welcomed to a desolate bar with a blast of freezing cold air, like someone had been cranking the AC all day long despite the less-than-summery weather outside. No response. 

She crept a little further into the bar, letting the door close behind her. With senses sharpened due to her blindness, she heard a faint rustle off to her left. Then the door locked behind her. 

“Who’s there!?” she shouted, whipping around like it would do her any good. It was still dark no matter which direction she faced. 

She heard it again, the rustling. Now it sounded like quiet footsteps pacing the walkway between booths and barstools, getting closer and closer, then further away. 

“Karkat? Is that you?” Terezi asked as the footsteps drew near again. But as they closed in on her, all the hair at the nape of her neck and along her arms stood straight up. Suddenly, whoever it was was standing over her, breathing short, pissed off breaths through their nose. She gasped, whispering her question once more. 

“Strike one.” 

The voice was low and rough, edging on a vexed growl. 

“S-Strider?”

“Strike two.”

She swallowed a growing ball of extreme discomfort. She refused to call it fear, but it was well on the road to becoming so. She scanned her memory for any voices that sounded so raw and throaty, so disgruntled that it sent chills down her spine. The only people she knew that could even reach such depth were…

“Makara…” she guessed, vaguely. She couldn’t decide which of them it was. 

“Getting warmer…” the voice very nearly sang, taunting her and her inability to see. 

She’d never heard Kurloz speak, though she knew he was certainly capable. He usually planted a hand on her right shoulder; that was their decided greeting. She’d heard a similar voice speaking to Karkat once, threatening him. 

“Are you… Old Goat?”

“Strike three.” 

Out of nowhere, two hands grabbed her by the shoulders and slammed her right into the bar. Glasses shattered. Barstools were shoved across the room. Terezi screamed in surprise, coming down hard onto the bar. The wind was knocked from her lungs and she laid there in a stunned silence, eyes open and wide but seeing nothing, so bloodshot and glazed over that they were essentially blood red. 

“That’s better,” the voice whispered right into her ear, making her hair stand on end. A firm hand grabbed her wrist, guiding her palm upward. The very tips of her fingers brushed over a deeply furrowed brow, tracing down across a thin face along three gnarly scars. “Remember these?”

“Gamzee?” she questioned. It couldn’t be Gamzee, he was much too goofy to feel real, tangible anger. Whoever this was was glaring at her, growing angrier and angrier by her presence alone. But those scars were hard proof. There was no one else it could be. 

“In the flesh,” he confirmed in an edged sigh, coming out almost like a foreboding pur. 

Something was wrong, horribly wrong. He squeezed at her wrist, pressing his thumb against her pulse like he just might snap her arm altogether. She didn’t need her eyes to know that Gamzee was staring at her right in the eyes, unwavering and unblinking. When the room suddenly went colder and darker, Terezi swallowed and tried to stay collected. 

“You’re looking for someone,” he guessed, “aren’t you?”

“Yes,” she whispered, feeling panicked tears leave her eyes. “Have you seen Karkat today?” He didn’t respond; she couldn’t even hear him breathing anymore. But the sturdy grip on her never loosened. 

Gamzee hummed, feigning deep thought. Then he let her go, hands leaving her body and disappearing into thin air. Terezi called out to him, listening closely for any signs of movement, but there was nothing, no footsteps, no breathing. There was a hair-raising chill in the air that made her sick to her stomach. 

“He’s gone.”

“...Gone where?”

“He’s in the clouds,” Gamzee’s voice sounded far away, maybe at the other end of the bar. He was far enough for her to get to her feet before he was upon her, but she knew she wouldn’t be fast enough to get away. She laid perfectly still up on the bar, unable to stop the tremors from going through her.

A long, lamenting whine cut through the silence. She could finally put a name to the emptiness she’d felt since she’d gone to sleep the night before. It was that telltale sign. Karkat was dead. And judging by the fury so tenuously bottled up, shaken so hard by god knew what, Gamzee was ready to explode. She could feel it in the air, the calm before the storm. Something in him was about to snap, and she would never stand a chance.

“So,” Gamzee’s voice was suddenly right in her face again. Terezi jumped out of her skin; a little yelp crawled out of her throat. “Confess.”

“Gamzee, please,” Terezi sobbed, holding trembling hands out in front of her. Gamzee was leaning over her, almost nose to nose. She oriented quickly, brushing the hair from his eyes. “This isn’t like you,” she whispered, “Karkat was your best friend!” 

“I don’t have any friends.”

Both of his hands wrapped tight around her neck, quickly closing her windpipe. She gave halfhearted struggle, clawing at his arms and shoulders, but her fate seemed dismal at best. 

For a fleeting second, the grip around Terezi’s throat loosened. 

“It didn’t have to be like this,” Gamzee sighed, “if you had stayed away from Tavros Nitram.”

Terezi was allowed one final wail, punctuating the loss of Karkat, and now, the loss of her own life. Then he brought her crashing down. The back of her head connected with the edge of the bar. Her skull caved in with a wet thud. After a second of stillness bringing silence, fountains of blood poured out onto the floor.

* * *

Trudging home in the dead of night, soaked to the bone, Tavros sighed and chewed at his cheeks. After walking in circles all day, he found no signs of Gamzee and heard nothing about Karkat and where he might be. He’d run out of cigarettes an hour after he left the house, and had no money to replenish. On top of all this failure, he was hopelessly lost. 

He kept walking, his movements were automatic. He kept walking like his body wanted nothing more than to get home and rest, but his heart and mind weren’t in it. The emptiness had set in like it always did at this time of night. He had no idea when it started, but after midnight, he just didn’t care anymore. And the rain just kept coming down. 

He hadn’t realized he’d stopped moving until he heard a voice whispering to him. He heard a sharp _psst!_ coming from his right. He turned his head slowly, rolling his eyes over in a halfhearted attempt at investigating the whisper. Through the rain and the darkness, a girl stood in the doorway of a lively nightclub. Not one of those current, dangerous nightclubs, but a jazzy, homely, likely family-owned venue. She seemed to be just a touch taller than he was, with skin the color of belgian chocolate. She rested her hands around a small waist countered by wide curves and thick thighs. Lips painted a coral blue turned up at the corners into a friendly smile. She beckoned him in and he followed without question. He had nothing left to lose and the rain showed no signs of letting up. 

Tavros was right, a small jazz band had switched to their slower, more bluesy set list, calming an energetic crowd down in time for late night shenanigans. Nodding heads and snapping fingers manifested the thorough enjoyment of Sly and the Family Stone’s _Que Sera_. Every body in the house swayed to the slow beat of the drums, the leisure of the bass. Following the girl, Tavros made his way to the dark side of the bar where the dim lighting couldn’t reach. The girl sat beside him, flashing a brilliant smile. 

“Hey,” she called over the bartender, “can I get an old fashioned?” The bartender nodded, working quickly. Tavros suddenly realized where he was, coming out of the state of apathy that was beginning to consume him. 

“O-Oh, no. Thank you, but I--” he started to protest when a glass with an orange slice in it was set down in front of him. The girl was quick to take it, fishing out the orange with two maroon painted nails. 

“Oh, I think you’ve had enough,” she called him out, recognizing the blank, tired sadness in him that infected so many others. Though he hadn’t had the chance to drink his feelings tonight, that exhaustion always stayed with him, and she could see it. She turned back to the bartender, “can he have a refresher?”

Tavros would’ve been amazed at the speed in which another glass was set in front of him. This one contained something carbonated, the bubbles collected around a mint leaf floating directly in the center. Clutching the glass in both hands, he looked into it, then back at the girl who watched him patiently. 

“It’ll settle your stomach,” she encouraged. Tavros figured she wasn’t trying to kill him. If she was, she would’ve done it by now. So he nodded and took a polite sip. He couldn’t quite tell what it was or what was in it, but it was perfectly cold and crisp and, for a lack of better phrasing, _refreshing_. 

“Thank you,” he said, voice small and monotonous. 

“So what’s troubling you?” she asked, twirling a strand of long dark hair around one of her fingers to the beat of the music. Tavros was more than a little surprised. His eyes snapped up to hers involuntarily and she must’ve been able to detect his defense, because she quickly added, “Don’t worry. This is a safe place.” She seemed so friendly, so approachable and kindhearted. He found himself opening right up. 

“I…” he stammered, “I met this guy and… he’s just-- so--”

“I don’t have to smack a bitch, do I?” She was suddenly serious, and Tavros knew that if she really wanted to, she could probably do some damage. 

“No, no, nothing like that,” he shook his head, “it’s just… it’s hard to explain.” Just when he thought he was at a loss, the girl knew exactly how to guide his train of thought down a straighter path. 

“How did you two meet?”

Tavros actually knew the answer to this question. A small flicker of confidence had him sitting up a little on his barstool. “At a concert,” he replied, “my roommate made me go. I-I’m no good with big crowds so I had a panic attack. This guy helped me though, he worked at the venue and helped me calm down.” 

Mentioning having a panic attack at a concert was embarrassing, but remembering Gamzee from the second they met brought a small smile to Tav’s lips. The girl sighed. 

“That’s so sweet!” she crooned, “I love it when strangers are kind to each other. It makes the world a better place.” She rested a cheek in her hand, propped up on the bar and listening intently to Tav’s story. 

“I kept running into him after that,” he went on, “he got to know me so fast,” the small smile on his face disappeared, “but it all went downhill pretty fast, too.”

“You didn’t get to know him?” She watched the emptiness dull the life in Tav’s eyes. She already knew the answer. But he shook his head to be perfectly clear. 

“I didn’t really see how little I actually knew about him as a person until recently. I only know the rumors and what he’s like when he’s high.” The disappointment showed through. The girl could see that this boy she saw standing out in the rain had a lot on his mind. He wanted to be reclusive. He wanted to keep everything he had inside just to feel like he’d won. He wanted to take it all back, because being an open book to someone who won’t even say what their favorite color is is madness. She could see that this boy goes home every night wasted on god knows what and can’t even begin to piece together how this had happened to him. He just wanted to matter to someone and it was tearing him apart. 

She laid a hand over his, quietly calling his eyes to her. “You shouldn’t be getting high,” she advised, “you weren’t built to handle whatever you’re on.” 

“It’s mostly just a handful of cigarettes and a few scattered hangovers if you can believe it.”

She couldn’t, not for a second. He was so young, very polite, easy on the eyes. There was no reason for such darkness to follow him around. He shouldn’t be standing out in the rain at midnight, staring into the street. He should be surrounded by people that care about him. He should know that he doesn’t have to hurt himself for the people he cares about. 

“Maybe you should forget this guy,” she suggested, residual anger sharpening her words. Tavros agreed quietly, arms folded up on the edge of the bar. She looked around, scanning the usuals and the family that frequented this bar. 

“Go give my friend over there the time of day.” She pointed a subtle finger in the direction of a remarkably skinny, prep-school looking guy in striped pants. He slumped heavily against the bar on the other side of the room, idly readjusting a shock of purple hair right front and center of his head. He happened to glance over at just the right time, noticing his friend and the boy who sat next to her. He abruptly straightened up, trying to make it look like he was always sitting up and looking like a regal, old money, fashion student. He spun around, leaning against the bar and lighting a purple cigarette as if he never saw those two people staring at him. 

“He talks a lot,” she admitted, “so you won’t have to.”

With his head in his hands, Tavros stole a glance or two in that guy’s direction, and that guy did the same. Tav watched him watch Tav. This girl didn’t seem like the type to associate with anyone horrible, so he couldn’t be that bad, although, he did seem like the type to slash everyone with a chainsaw if something didn’t go his way. There was something about him that read _temperamental rich brat,_ but Tavros tried to shake that off. He had no right to judge someone by their appearance. If she liked him enough to recommend him, he must be alright. 

Tavros sighed, feeling a little empty at the idea of actively approaching someone and hoping to god that something happens. The pathetic loneliness hit him like a ton of bricks. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Hell, maybe this was supposed to happen. Maybe he was supposed to walk into this bar, meet someone knew, and finally forget about Gamzee. 

Tavros shook his head. “I can’t.” 

The girl was saddened by the defeat that read plainly in Tav’s voice. She went from subtly hopeful to just a little bit blue. 

“Are you sure?” she asked, her voice as mellow as a still, placid lake. “You were looking for a good long while.” 

“I kinda want that cigarette,” Tavros confessed. Something about admitting such a dirty craving embarrassed him. This girl was trying to help cheer him up and all he could think about was somehow getting a cigarette from that guy into his mouth. He knew it would help him loosen up, but he couldn’t. She would be disappointed. 

While Tavros stared off to the side, the girl shot a look to her friend across the bar. She shook her head. The guy hissed a near-silent _god damn it!_ then stood up to leave. 

“What’s my problem?” Tavros thought out loud. “I don’t have a single reason not to at least say hi, but…” he trailed off. He wasn’t exactly sure what he was trying to say. But something stood in the way of moving on. He had all the pieces. He knew he would never mean something to Gamzee, he made that perfectly clear. But why was he still so infatuated when he had no reason to be? He dropped his head from his hands down to the bar where his arms were crossed and waiting for him. “I’m so stupid.” 

“Oh sweetheart,” the girl sighed, rubbing soothing circles into Tav’s shoulderblades. She’d seen this before. The only thing that would stop him from moving on, the only thing strong enough to keep him on his pursuit was unmistakable. She knew exactly what was going on. “You’re not stupid, you’re in love. There’s nothing wrong with that.” 

“Is it that obvious?” Tavros groaned into his arms, turning redder and redder by the second. He heard the girl giggle to herself, a little musical chuckle. Somehow, Tav’s discomfort took on a more positive light. Now that she had a good handle on the problem, she knew how to help.

“You wouldn’t be so sad if you didn’t, would you?” A kind smile lit up her face as she worked a few of the knots out of Tav’s shoulders. Slowly, the tension eased its way loose the more relaxed Tavros became. He neither agreed nor disagreed, at least not out loud. “Who is this boy, hmm?” she asked, keeping her words between she and Tavros. “You said he was in the music scene. Do you think I’d know him?”

She was curious to know what sort of guy could do this to someone so pure and sweet. This boy didn’t seem to have a bad bone in his body. As hard as she thought about it, she couldn’t think of anyone that he would like enough to feel so tormented. 

“M-Maybe,” Tav offered, “His brother owns Seagoat’s down the street. His name is Gamz--”

Out of nowhere, the girl gasped, eyes growing wider than Tavros ever thought possible. Then she was clapping her hands and praising god for whatever conclusion she’d come to. The pink blush that settled over his cheeks and nose had died down a bit, but it was back full force, itching and burning with confused embarrassment. 

“W-What-- What did I say?” 

The girl couldn’t answer. She was too amazed. One look at the wide eyed surprise on Tav’s face had her breathless. Only when his brows turned up and his eyes dropped to the floor did she find the strength to calm down and explain herself. Just as Tav whispered his apology for whatever he’d said wrong, the girl wrapped an arm around him, pulling him into a big, nearly suffocatingly tight hug. 

“You must be Tavros!” she cheered. Narrow, utterly flummoxed eyes opened wide at his name leaving a stranger’s lips. “I’ve heard a lot about you! You sure do make an impression!” She couldn’t help the fits of giggles that punctuated the ends of her sentences. She couldn’t help but laugh at how blind she was. 

“I… I don’t get it,” Tav had to say, feeling the stupidity rise even higher inside him. 

“I’ve known Gamzee Makara for my entire life,” she announced with a broad smile that creased the corners of her eyes. “We’re sorta like family friends.” 

“Oh,” Tavros grumbled, internally kicking himself for not putting two and two together. Then another unignorable lightbulb flickered to life. “Wait,” he said, suddenly amazed. “He talks about me?” 

“Boy, if he doesn’t _stop_ talking about you!” She clapped her hands and shook her head just thinking about all the air he’s used up talking about Tavros. 

“People say that there’s lots of us,” Tav sank back into his hands, bogged down by the sheer number of other shy, nervous-types under Gamzee’s belt. He completely missed the point the girl was trying to prove. After a bout of silence, the side of his head was beginning to smoke. He looked over and the girl was glaring at him, hands on her hips, lips pursed and pouted. 

“Don’t believe the hype,” she advised in Gamzee’s defense. “Now, I know he may seem daunting. That kid’s got more power that even _he_ realizes.” She remembered her drink, all the ice was melted. She threw a glance over to the bartender, who slid her a new one, no questions asked. She took a bite from the orange slice that came with it. Tav was amazed when her lipstick stayed perfect. “But!” she exclaimed, looking back at Tavros with a timeless smile, “he really does have the biggest heart of them all. He’s definitely got some flaws, but they always work themselves out. Poor thing has ninety-nine problems.”

“And a witch _is_ one,” he grumbled. “So, I guess it’s one hundred after all.” 

The girl took a sip of her drink, acting like it was none of her concern. By the look on her face, Tav could tell that she also knew Mindfang, and completely agreed with him. 

“You didn’t hear this from me,” she brought her voice down. Tavros sat up, attentive to her and her secrets. Just the look on his face had her smiling, endeared by the honesty Tavros seemed to radiate. He was so pure. She turned to face him. With both hands slapped on either cheek, she said, “I think he might be head over heels for you, Tavros.” 

She watched Tavros melt, insides going soft and mushy like he couldn’t even help himself. “Really?” he asked, suddenly forgetting all the prior conclusions he’d come to.

“Aw, I think I am too!” the girl swooned. “Look at this face! These eyes?” She either didn’t realize her grip on his face was tightening, or she was doing it on purpose. She wasn’t hurting him, but she did have him pulling a rather fishy-looking face. “You’re a sweetheart, Tavros. A word for the wise,” she let him go, replacing her hands on her hips. “Blood is thicker than water. It’s going to take support to be with Gamzee Makara. He’s like a… a hurricane, just can’t help but wreak some havoc. He doesn’t do it on purpose, but it will happen. Do you have any family you can talk this out with?” 

The dreaminess faded away at the mention of family. 

“Well, not really,” Tav replied. But that wasn’t entirely true. His mother was dead, he’d never met his father, but there was someone else. “I mean… I guess there’s one person…”

“Call them,” the girl encouraged. “If they don’t answer, that’s fine! I’ll always be nearby.” 

Tavros gave a small smile, allowing himself to accept her support. This girl, she was just what he needed. She was a light in a dark and confusing forest. She had so much love to give to anyone who needed it. All the compassion and wisdom she held in her heart made her beautiful, even godly in a way. And he knew it was because she took the time to love herself first, in all of her facets and layers. She took the time to take care of her flawless skin, worked hard to afford high quality coral blue lipstick because she knew it would make her smile more; she took care of herself and catered to her own needs before she reached out to others. 

That was the key. If Tavros took the time to sort out his own little world, it would be so much easier to handle Gamzee’s. If he took the time to really think about it, feel himself out for all the little things that would make him happier, he just might be able to be the kind of support Gamzee needed. It started and ended with him. 

“What’s your name?” he asked the girl who gave him a whole new perspective of life. 

“Feferi Piexes,” she replied. She could sense it even before the idea came into Tav’s mind, and opened her arms to accept a thorough and pervading embrace. 

“Thanks, Feferi,” Tavros whispered, keeping it just between she and her. No amount of hubbub in the background would corrupt this moment. With her chin resting on the top of his head, Feferi poured all her confidence into him, sending him off into the world with a little ray of hope to guide him. 

With that, they parted ways and Tavros headed out into the night, on his way home to sleep in his own bed instead of on the sofa like he had for the last few weeks. It was still raining, but the storm had passed. With a confidence he _never_ would’ve had without Feferi coming into his life at the perfect time, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed a number he hadn’t even thought about in years. But he still remembered it as clear as day, somehow. He wasn’t sure the call would go through, given all the time that had passed, but the gods were smiling, and someone picked up.

_”... Tavros…? Is that you…?”_

“Y-Yeah, it’s me,” he said, “we need to talk.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You can never control evil. You can lock it up and pray that it dies, but it never will. It just… rests awhile. “ Michael Myers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little gift to all of us for putting up with my shit! im surprised this was written so fast, but here's the next bit! some warnings: stay with me on some of this characterization, it'll make sense later, and all of you are about to be really happy and really scared (x

The thick scent of a significant amount of floor cleaner filled the air in a small kitchen. It permeated through the fog of sleep until tired, bloodshot eyes rolled around below their lids. A quiet, sickly groan broke the silence. 

Gamzee had fallen asleep slumped over the kitchen table next to an unopened pack of menthols and an empty bottle of grape faygo. His eyes were glazed over; it was already difficult to see in the darkness of the room, never mind the blurriness of his vision. He felt weighted, he couldn’t move a muscle. But the bleachy odor was giving him a headache and burning the inside of his nose. For some reason, it was harder than it should be to sit up. He would try, but something stopped him and he’d find himself right back on the table with his head spinning. After a few attempts, his vision had cleared up. There was another person standing before him in the dark. 

“What the fuck…” Gamzee groaned, still unable to sit up. He squinted his eyes to make sense of the vague silhouette standing in the threshold that lead to the hallway. The figure went to turn on the lights and Gamzee knew the pain was coming. He still wasn’t totally prepared when the light burned his eyes. He dropped his forehead to the table just to hide from it. After a few seconds of willing away the throbbing behind his eyes, Gamzee looked up to see who was with him. 

Gamzee had never seen Kurloz look so stern, so frozen over and unfeeling that he almost didn’t seem alive. He could’ve been an impressively convincing sculpture if he wasn’t so angry he was shaking. 

“What’s your problem?” Gamzee questioned with a spiteful roll of his eyes. Giving him a once over, Gamzee could tell that the bleach smell was coming from him. Kurloz was covered in it. Big stains spotted his clothes, almost matching the way big patches of his skin lacked pigmentation. With his jaw locked up tight, eyes narrowed to murderous points, Kurloz raised his hands to explain to his little brother exactly what his problem was. 

**We need to talk.**

Gamzee scoffed. “You’re the one that needs to talk, motherfucker.” 

When Gamzee noticed the pack of cigarettes waiting for him just out of reach, he tried to raise a hand up onto the table, but both snagged on something tight around his wrists. Increasingly frantic jerking and twisting in his seat quickly turned to violent thrashing as he discovered the zip-ties holding him at the wrists, waist, and ankles to the table and chair he’s passed out in. 

**I was just cleaning up the mess you made in my bar.**

“What are you talking about?” Gamzee seethed, “I swear to god, if you don’t let me--”

Kurloz brought a fist down just barely to the right of Gamzee’s face, shaking the table and shutting him up long enough to catch his shortening attention. 

**Terezi is dead. Half of her brain was staining the floor.**

Gamzee wasn’t concentrating on reading his signs. He was much too busy squirming and gritting his teeth like a trapped dog ready to chew itself free. 

**Karkat is dead too.**

Gamzee was seeing red. His wrists would be black and blue by the end of the day, not that his knuckles had fared any better from recent incident. The table groaned under the pressure of being tugged every which way. 

“Kurloz,” Gamzee growled, “when I get out of here, I’m gonna MOTHERFUCKING--”

“Listen to me.” 

Blind rage melted away like frozen custard in the heat of summer. Gamzee’s heart slowed, his breathing came slow and steady. 

With his forearms supporting his weight, Kurloz leaned in across the tabletop, eyes boring right into his brother’s as he spoke his first words since his estrangement. Gamzee barely remembered the way his voice sounded before, and now it came up from deep in Kurloz’ chest; even the simplest words strained his throat, sounding like he was talking through pounds of swallowed sand. Speaking was physically hurting him, but what he had to say was too imperative for Gamzee to hear. It would change everything if Gamzee would listen. 

“Kurloz, you--”

“Shh,” Kurloz hushed, feeling the burn in his vocal chords, tight from years of unuse. He wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible. “Terezi and Karkat are dead,” he announced, “and you did it.”

Even the permanent smear of white that painted a grin on his face fell into an all-encompassing despair. “I… I relapsed…?” Suddenly, he couldn’t breathe at all. Bleach fumes burned his eyes and nose. Nobody used that much bleach for anything other than cleaning up a crime scene. Just imagining the mess that had Kurloz scrubbing for dear life on his hands and knees made Gamzee sick to his stomach. But there was no time to let him grieve. Kurloz had something to say, something that had been passed down to him years before.

“I have to tell you something,” he said, trying to ignore the pain in his throat and the agony on Gamzee’s face. It seemed like he was back, the true self of his little brother had returned to the surface, finding the break in the anger that held him under. Kurloz wouldn’t have any more chances. This was his window. 

He took a breath. “You were always supposed to take over the company,” he deadpanned, “it was never going to be Garrett. It was never going to be me.”

The secret, the most confidential information in the Makara Family’s entire operation, had finally come to light. The oldest brother had been condemned to death for telling Kurloz, who had remained silent until the perfect moment. The story must be told. 

“We knew about your mental state. I wanted you to see a doctor, but Dad wanted to drug you. He thought if he found a way to control you, he could train you to run the business the way he wanted it to be run. But you snapped anyway and murdered your roommates. He decided to find someone that could keep you on a leash, who could decide when and how to use the fury inside you to the company’s advantage. When Aranea Serket moved to Chicago, she had already decided to be that handler without knowing that we needed one anyway. She’s controlling you, figuring out how to use you to the benefit of herself and the company. She’s using the only thing you truly have against you.”

It was too much to take in. All this time, Gamzee had thought he’d fallen victim to twist after twist, that Fate itself seemed to have it out for him. But all of it was planned and everyone knew but him. And Mindfang was working for his own father, who was behind it all. 

“Gamzee,” Kurloz demanded his attention, coming to the most important part of his speech, “you’re dangerous. And while you’re dangerous, you yourself are in serious danger. Even though Dad wants you to succeed him, if you were to screw up and kill anyone else, he would execute you. And you already did. Mindfang knows that. She had you kill them on purpose. Once you take the company, she’s going to expose you, leaving it all for herself.”

He could see the puzzle coming together in Gamzee’s mind. The window of clarity was closing the tighter his target locked on the next victim of pure, unshackled vengeance. 

“There’s one more thing,” Kurloz fought to keep his focus for just a second longer, but Gamzee was back to tugging at his restraints. He was running out of time. “He knows about Tavros. He’s probably spoken to him without even knowing it.”

“What? Why?”

“You think Dad doesn’t know that you would do anything for him? Why do you think all the rest mysteriously left you?” Gamzee was silent and still for a moment as the truth suddenly dawned on him. “He sees that Tavros is easily manipulated and will try to use him, too. He’s done it before, but this time it’ll work. Tavros is too trusting to refuse.” 

All those times, all those different people, when he really thought they had something they would turn on him. One day they were happy, the next Gamzee was all by himself without so much as an explanation until now. It turned out that every single one of them had been approached by the most powerful man in America under the president himself. Old Goat could buy out the secret service and barely feel the loss. No one wanted to be with the son of someone who could make them disappear, even if that son was out of favor. But Tavros had no idea. He didn’t know who to be afraid of. 

With that said, Kurloz stood from the table, filling the doorway of Gamzee’s kitchen. With a last cryptic look, he turned and headed for the door. On first instinct, Gamzee moved to follow him. When he found that he was still caught, all clarity fogged over and out of sight. 

“Where are you going!? Get back here! Let me go!” Kurloz appeared around the corner first his face, then his hands. 

**I’m going to take Meulin somewhere safe. I’m sorry, Gamzee. This is the only way to keep you safe.**

Then he was gone again, but not too far away to miss the roar of disapproval coming from the kitchen. Gamzee fought against the ties valiantly, but Kurloz knew he wouldn’t break free. Gamzee growled like a snarling dog, bruising himself in attempt to stand and seek revenge for being tied down. It seemed like he’d completely forgotten the reason why. 

Kurloz was at the front door and was seconds from opening it when he heard a loud pop that stopped his heart, then another that rooted his feet to the ground. He turned slowly to face the hall when the legs of Gamzee’s chair squealed along the floor. It wasn’t long before he emerged from the kitchen, barely resembling the real, goofy, kind-hearted Gamzee at all. 

“All this time, you knew what was happening and you did nothing.”

Kurloz raised his hands in surrender, taking a brave step forward. When Gamzee started towards him in full, wide stride, he let out a fearful, shaken breath. But Gamzee passed him, headed straight for the door. Kurloz barely managed to catch him by the wrist, pulling him back, but the momentum only worked in Gamzee’s favor, who delivered a swift hook right into Kurloz’ eye.

Kurloz could take a hit, but this one caught him off guard. He couldn’t see the next one coming either. With two hits, he was on the floor, recovering quickly but briefly incapacitated. Then Gamzee was standing over him, bent at the waist to really look down at him. 

“I’m gonna have to have a conversation with Aranea Serket,” he stated, “can’t have you stopping me.” 

A kick in the nose that drove him back into the wall, Kurloz smacked the back of his head against the corner of the molding. He was out like a light, bleeding from his head, nose, and cheek. Now there was no one to stop Gamzee from leaving the house, and that’s exactly what he did. Storming out of the apartment, Gamzee left Kurloz to rot for now. He would deal with him later.

* * *

Having turned into a sauna in a matter of ten minutes and continued to be so for another additional hour, the bathroom was thick and hot with steam and the scent of vanilla and lavender. Inside, Mindfang squeezed excess moisture from her hair, humming along as she did so. The mirror was too foggy for her to see much, but she stared into the condensation anyway. When she was done, she parted her hair down the middle and shook her head until her hair fell in the way she wanted it to, in the shape of a tight black bob. 

After a comfortable while of searching for something to wear completely naked, she settled for black calvins and a huge black t-shirt with a deep purple _n_ -shaped sort of symbol on it. She might’ve swiped it from Gamzee when he was high and couldn’t care less, but he had an unnecessarily large number of the exact same shirt for some reason. He wouldn’t miss it.

Just thinking about Gamzee made Mindfang don a shit-eating grin. Tall, violent, and stupid was a winning combination if there ever was one. After all, she really wouldn’t mind being handled like that. Everyone told her that she should stay away from him, but she never saw why they were so afraid. There isn’t a thought in his mind. Perhaps all that goes on up there is an endless loop of _Careless Whisper_ elevator remixes. 

The front door kicked open, snapping her out of her reverie. Her brows gathered in confusion. The apartment was hers alone, no one could get in without a key. She thought for a moment that she could be getting robbed, but that seemed unlikely. She’d left her door unlocked before loads of times; if they wanted to take something, there were better times to do it. 

Padding out into the hall, then to the living room, she saw a figure standing in the doorway, waiting quietly for her at the door. She was halfway through the room when she realized who it was. Speak of the Devil and he shall appear. The gate of her approach slowed, her hips swayed. 

“Hey baby,” she greeted with a smirk. She leaned against the doorframe and peered into the eyes of a blank, calmed Gamzee. Those eyes were finally as they should be, cold and unfeeling like his brother’s. She could barely see his pupils at all. “What brings you here?” she asked when he didn’t reply right away, and he showed no signs of any important things to say. But his gaze did drop to her attire, seeming to recognize his own shirt by the ever so slight dilation of hyper focused pupils. 

“Oh, this old--” Mindfang’s words built up in her throat but couldn’t come up. A hand closed around her neck. Never breaking the vacancy he wore like a mask, Gamzee stared at her. He had a tight enough grasp that he could strangle her with one hand, but he didn’t. It was almost like he wanted her to know that, just in case. 

Mindfang’s attitude went from playful to very serious. When she could swallow without much resistance, she raised a hand, tracing her fingers along his skin until her hand covered his. They watched each other for a beat. After a moment of thickening silence, the front door closed and the lock was turned. 

Mindfang rose onto the balls of her feet, taking the initiative to press herself as tight to him as she could. Her skin was still rosy and supple from the bath. The reluctance of their past rendezvous had disappeared. Though the grip at her throat had loosened, the hand stayed there to guide her up and into a rough kiss that took away any hope for resistance or challenge on Mindfang’s part. She gave up and let him handle her as he liked, knowing that this urgency wouldn’t be a regular thing. 

“I want to play a game,” he whispered into her mouth, raking his fingers through damp hair. 

“What kind of game?” she asked, voice going a little breathless. Whatever it was, she would never say no. She couldn’t believe her luck as it was. 

“You’ll see.” 

Mindfang was backed up into a kitchen chair that had been pulled up next to the couch for a small gathering she had the night previous. She couldn’t see him, but she could feel Gamzee breathing down her neck and tying her wrists together behind her with what seemed to be a power cord just lying around. It wasn’t long before she couldn’t move an inch and hear heart was beating out of her chest. 

“It’s a little tight,” she observed, slightly uncomfortable with the way the cording chafed at her skin. Gamzee said nothing. She couldn’t even feel his presence behind her. Only the quiet settling of the floor in the kitchen gave away where he was. She called his name, hoping that he’d at least give her a clue as to what was in store for her, but he was silent. 

“Wow, you really are as kinky as your brother,” she rolled her eyes at the sound of footsteps rejoining her in the living room. The lack of response from Gamzee was a little unnerving as his silence tended to be. He usually wouldn’t shut up, today seemed different. He seemed far away, lost in thought. “What’s the name of this little game, Gamzee?” Mindfang asked, just to see if he would respond. Just as she spoke she felt the full weight of his gaze on the top of her head. He stood directly behind her, so close she could feel the heat coming off of him. 

“It’s pretty self-explanatory,” he replied, popping the cap off something he was holding in his hand. A thick, bleachy odor rose through the air. No, it wasn’t bleach, but it did smell toxic. Before she could voice her protest, he was dousing her in butane. “It’s called _watching the skin melt from your bones._ ”

Lighter fluid poured from her hair, soaking her skin and stolen shirt. It burned her eyes, stopped up her nose, and got into her mouth. She gasped and coughed and fought against the ties, but it was no use. Suddenly, the room started to feel very cold.

“Gamzee! What the fuck?!” she shouted, looking like a drowned cat, “You think this is some kind of sick joke? This isn’t funny!”

“Not fun?” Gamzee questioned, subtly tapping her shoulders with a meat tenderizer he’d found in the kitchen. Mindfang went pale. “I suppose we could play _painting the walls with your brain,_ ” he suggested, kneeling down to whisper into her ear. “That’s always fun.”

The agitation in his voice cut deep. Letting out a shaky breath, Mindfang stopped fighting against the restraints and went completely still. Seemingly out of nowhere, Vriska’s voice popped into her mind.

 _You can’t control a guy like that, not even with drugs. Whatever made him do that to his roommates is still inside him. You can’t kill it with voodoo medicine, Mindfang. It’s just resting a while. Who know’s when he’ll snap and not even you can stop it._

“Gamzee… Untie me--”

“Shut your fucking mouth.”

She pulled at her wrists with determination, but even if she did manage to break free, Gamzee would catch her. The phile of Devil’s Breath was on the nightstand in her bedroom, but she wouldn’t make it in time. The more she frantically scanned the room for something to use to defend herself, the thicker the tension became. Gamzee was inches away from her. He could feel her heart beating faster as she started to panic. 

“You lied to me,” Gamzee accused, “you told me Karkat and Terezi threatened to hurt Tavros.” She shook her head in adamant disagreement. “You calling my own flesh and blood a liar? Even after I kicked his face in, he was still warning me about you.” 

A near silent sob left her throat as Mindfang tried to lean as far away from Gamzee as possible. The lighter fluid was making her light headed and her vision was swimming. Flashes of Gamzee taking down a brother bigger and stronger than he was bruised her already abysmal optimism. She inwardly wished he would stop playing with her. She got the picture and knew how this would end unless she found a way to talk him out of it. 

Now he was interested, the sadistic side that Mindfang had never really witnessed was coming out full force just for her. He swung around to sit in front of her on the floor away from the puddles of lighter fluid. Never looking away from her eyes, he took out a box of matches and started lighting them one at a time, letting them burn down to his fingertips then putting them out. Every pop of flame made Mindfang jump as she watched the burned match carcases accumulate on the floor. 

“I know what you’re doing, Mindfang,” he said, “you want my money. The real question is this: what makes you think there even _is_ any money?” 

He started dropping lit matches onto the floor, flinging them through the air dangerously close to the puddles of butane at Mindfang’s feet. Now she was yelping at every strike of the match, trembling with suspense and the anticipation of a lot of pain. 

“You wanna know something?” he asked. Mindfang wouldn’t dare to say no. “I would’ve let you go if you didn’t bring him into this. But you had to drag him into this fucking circus we call a business. He was never supposed to know about this, Mindfang.” He lit the last match, holding it up a if he were presenting it to her as a gift. She couldn’t hold it in any longer, so she broke down. 

“Just talk to me!” she plead, “I’ll tell you everything, just let me go!” Unhindered tears spilled from her eyes as her life flashed before her eyes. She saw her sister, her friends, her parents, all the people that would never know what truly happened to her. She didn’t even think they’d question it or miss her much at all. “I love you,” she confessed, “Gamzee, you’re everything to me! Please, just let me go! I’ll leave! You’ll never see me again!”

Gamzee feigned a little shudder. “It’s feeling a little cold in here,” he observed. Mindfang’s eyes widened. “Aranea, you’re shivering.” A sick, depraved grin spread across Gamzee’s face, the final form of the vengeance he harbored just underneath the surface coming to light. 

“Have mercy!” she all out screamed, one final beg for another chance. 

“Not today.” 

He dropped the match, and the fluid ignited immediately. 

Gamzee watched the flames engulf the kitchen chair he tied Mindfang down to. She screamed in horror and agony, writhing to be free of the flames that were eating away at her flesh. The room filled with the scent of charred wood and burning hair. Not long after the apartment filled with smoke, the screaming finally stopped. Gamzee turned and left the apartment without a word.

* * *

After trying to cut down to just three smokes before he left the house, Tavros stepped out into the daylight with a small amount of pep in his step. It was the first day in weeks that he didn’t wake up at 2pm with a raging migraine, instead it was somewhere around 9:30 and the nicotine turning his lungs to ash kept him from getting too nervous about the coffee date he’d brashly set up for this morning. As soon as he’d gotten home the regret had set in. Tavros hadn’t seen him in years, and the last time they did speak, it ended in a fight Tav still had nightmares about. But Feferi’s words kept him moving forward. _Blood is thicker than water._

Heading down to the Dollop he frequented so often that the barista’s had his coffee just seconds after he entered the shop, Tavros organized what he wanted to say in his mind. He whispered the points he wanted to cover to the jingling of the bells affixed to the door. He wandered in, a small, spunky redhead greeted him with a smile, he sent a small smile back. He was handing her an extra dollar just for her when his mood took a dive. 

“Tavros,” called a deep voice from the back of the coffee shop. 

It was almost like Tav’s morning chipperness had never existed. At the sound of that voice calling his name, unimpressed and impatient as it always was, his shoulders rolled forward. He gripped his coffee cup a little tighter. His teeth ground up against each other as he turned around and laid his eyes on the older, angrier version of himself. 

“Rufioh… H-Hi…”

Tavros had an older brother, who was the taller, better, jacked image of everything Tavros wished he could be. Everyone he knew from childhood always told him that he had his mother’s gentility, which manifested itself in his small and lithe form. Rufioh was the opposite, having always been brutishly strong and able bodied from the start. While Tavros was at home helping Mom with the household chores, Rufioh was out piercing his nose, stealing money to afford a bone-adorned leather jacket that had a reputation almost as bad as his own, dying his hair, and getting into all the trouble he could stick his nose in. It was likely that Rufioh took after the father that neither had ever known in more ways than one, including disappearing when times turned rough. 

With his eyes roving everywhere but the immediate vicinity of his brother, Tavros slid into the seat opposite him, gripping his coffee cup like he was trying to strangle it. “How are you?” he asked politely, all his previous planning disappearing from his mind. 

Rufioh snorted, giving Tav a once over and not liking what he saw. Pure and sweet little angel of a brother seemed to have taken a steep hill down to Hell. Tav’s eyes were sunken in, dark and bloodshot like three days with no sleep. He could see him subtly chewing at the inside of his mouth, which he hadn’t done since middle school when Rufioh beat his thumb-sucking days out of him. He was unkempt and flightier than he usually was, and it was more than a little unnerving to see Tavros look like a mental breakdown. 

“What the hell happened to you?” Rufioh rudely questioned. “What’s this all about?”

“Nice to see you too,” Tav replied as if Rufioh had said something polite. He wasn’t sure where such sharp and snappy sarcasm came from, but it was too late to take it back. Rufioh stayed quiet, brows furrowed and waiting for more an explanation. “I…” Tavros began, looking into the darkness of black coffee in a red mug, “I broke up with Vriska.”

Rufioh softened up at the defeat in Tav’s voice. “What?”

“Actually, she dumped me.” Tavros missed the bad attitude break and some of the real concern shine through, because, in an instant, Rufioh was angry again but for a different reason. 

“ _She_ did this to you?” he pressed, referring to how Tavros had clearly seen better days. Tav gave a vague shrug, but Rufioh was already halfway out of his seat.

“W-Wait, where are you going?”

Rufioh whirled around. “To kick her ass!”

“Just sit down,” Tavros snapped, “it’s not like you care anyway.” That came from a dark place and both brother’s knew it. Even the barista who had been watching through the corner of her eye, ready to protect her favorite customer in case he needed it, had to give a little gasp. 

“Of course I care about you,” Rufioh clarified, lowering his voice, “you’re my brother.” 

Now it was Rufioh’s turn to be taken aback and Tav’s turn to be inexplicably angry. Tavros huffed, turning back to his coffee while he waited for Rufioh to return to his seat and stop making scene after scene. 

Rufioh plopped down quietly, and really noticed the nervousness that made Tavros shiver. His skin was getting clammy like his body temperature was rising fast but it didn’t occur to him to take off the hoodie he wore to protect him from the beginnings of a crisp spring. Rufioh had to prompt him to take the damn thing off, and when Tavros finally did, he got a good look at how thin Tav was looking. Then he saw the bruises. 

“Is someone hurting you?” Rufioh blurted the first thing that came to mind, unable to take his eyes off those nearly black, hand-shaped blotches that squeezed Tav’s arms. It seemed like Tavros didn’t even notice them until right this second. With those big brown eyes panning upward, he was caught red handed. 

“It’s a long story…” he trailed off, waiting for Rufioh to fly off the handle again. But this time, he sat there, pensive. 

“I have time,” he said simply. Tavros could practically taste the guilt that washed over his brother over this. After years of separation, it turned out that Tavros needed him on more than one occasion. He was never there, so Tav stopped calling. Tavros gave him another chance, nodding and picking a place to start explaining. 

“I… Well… I met this girl last night and she told me I should tell my family what’s been going on just in case… I didn’t want to call you, Ruffio. I know you-- You wanted to forget about me. That’s fine. I just wanted someone to know… I met this guy. I’m not even sure how it happened, but he was just… so kind. No one ever talks to me like I’m equal to them, so I--”

“What, are you gay now?” A question meant for comic relief stunned Tavros into shamed silence. It took a good five seconds for the shock to fade. 

“N-No…” He wasn’t very convincing with the way he shrank into himself. Rufioh didn’t actually care either way, having had his fair share of all genders under the sun, but Tavros cared a whole lot, so much so that he was afraid to talk to his own flesh and blood. 

“Tell me about him,” Rufioh offered, opting to sit down and shut up for once. Tavros was in real trouble and he needed to know why if he was going to help. 

“He isn’t bad, I swear,” Tavros weakly defended, “he just… doesn’t know his own strength, I guess.” 

The way Tav used his own honor to vouch for some guy that he had to _introduce_ on the defensive was far too familiar. He’d seen it in high school, listened as Tavros tried to explain Vriska Serket in a positive light, because he knew Rufioh would find evidence to the contrary. This time, Rufioh saw the extent of this other guy’s heavy hands. Those squeezes on Tav’s arms could’ve been from anything, both positive and negative, but even if he looked at it in the most gratifying light, this guy was too rough with him. Rufioh could stick Tav with a pin and those bruises would bleed him to death. Everyone and their mother could tell that Tavros was sensitive. But he had too much love and too much emptiness to ever put his foot down. 

“It looks like he’s beating you,” Rufioh observed, his voice edged in contempt. Tavros took a second too long to think about his response. 

“...It was a misunderstanding--”

“God damn it, Tavros. Don’t defend him!” Rufioh startled poor Tavros who choked on a sip of coffee at the sound of his voice raising to fill the whole shop. “You spent years defending Vriska and look what she did. Don’t tell me you’re right back where you started--”

“He’s nothing like Vriska! He listens to me!” Tavros countered at a quarter of the volume Rufioh used, but still much more than he would have preferred to keep things between them.

“It doesn’t fucking look like it!” Rufioh yelled back “What argument were you losing to get those?” 

Tav’s whole body screamed at him to lie, but before he could think of a convincing excuse, he has halfway through blurting the truth. “I was taking something that he didn’t want me to take,” he said, immediately regretting it. Rufioh saw red. 

“What,” he hissed.

“Nothing--”

“What are you saying?” He wouldn’t take no for an answer. “What did you do?”

Tavros replied just above a whisper. “Heroin--” Out of nowhere, Rufioh had him by the collar, lifting him up out of his chair and right up nose to nose. 

“Tavros Nitram!” he shouted right into his face, “Mom didn’t raise you to be a junkie!” 

“I’m sorry!” Tavros squirmed out of Rufioh’s grasp, but people were already staring, whispering to each other about the fight breaking out in the back of the shop. The barista smiled and shook her head, insisting that it was nothing to worry about, but even she was worried. 

“What were you thinking!?” 

“I wasn’t!” Tavros tried to explain, but he kept digging himself into a deeper and deeper hole. “I’ve been feeling so _empty_ lately, I wasn’t thinking straight!”

“So you’re chasing after some guy who leaves you feeling empty?!” Rufioh challenged, “empty enough to start doing HEROIN?!” Bringing down a fist to make a point, he accidentally smashed a saucer into five or six pieces, displaying blind strength that shook the whole coffee shop, scaring away the few others that tried to stick around and watch. 

“I didn’t take it, I was _going_ to! He found me just before and--”

“Almost ripped your arms clean off.” Tavros was dumbstruck. Rufioh couldn’t rationalize it. No matter how he looked at it, it didn’t make sense. “What do you see in him? What is there that’s justifying doing this to yourself?” Tavros opened his mouth to answer, but nothing came out. “Are you sure he even gives a shit about you?”

Rufioh was right. Tavros had no evidence to point him in any direction that included Gamzee. They had three happy encounters, got high together, and that was it. Everything else was just a figment of his imagination. Hot tears rolled down his cheeks. He didn’t even bother to clear them away.

“You’re doing it again, Tavros. You’re killing yourself over someone who does care about your wellbeing. When are you gonna stop selling yourself short?”

Tavros tried to hold back the tears that wanted to pour from his eyes, but they proved too numerous and he too weak. Leave it to a Rufioh sighting to make Tav feel so small and inadequate. Though they were few and years between, just looking at the differences between he and Rufioh did terrible things to his mood and stance on existence. Then he realized something. 

“Who are you to talk?” Tavros questioned, suddenly very prickly about the whole thing. “When were you ever gonna visit us? I tried to call you when Mom started getting bad. You never answered.”

Rufioh squinted his eyes. “What does that have anything to do with--”

“I’ve always wanted to be like you, Rufioh. You were so strong and confident. But the more I tried to be like you, the more distant I got from Mom. She needed help and I didn’t help her.” SInce Rufioh wasn’t quite getting it, Tavros drew a spiteful parallel for him to follow. “All you ever do is take. All I ever did was take from her, and take from her, and it ran her into the ground. You never even came to the funeral. You just sent me a check.”

“Tavros…” 

“Now I know what it was like to be her,” Tav shrugged like it was nothing. Nothing could be more obvious. “All he ever does is take from me, and make me worry myself sick. But you know what? I _still_ love him. Because the few good days I had with him are worth it.”

Tavros, uncharacteristically confident and stern, met the eyes of a brother thoroughly put in his place. There it was: he was alike their father in apparent looks and disappearance. Rufioh passed a hand through a shock of red and black hair, speechless for the first time in a long while. 

“That’s why,” Tavros really drove it in, then stood from his seat, picking up his hoodie as he went. Rufioh caught him by the wrist. 

“Where are you going.” It wasn’t a question. Tavros swallowed back the nerves that were threatening to break free and destroy the illusion of calm he put on. 

“I have to talk to him,” he said. 

Rufioh lowered his voice, “Is that a good idea?” Tav shook off his brother’s hand, throwing on his hoodie and hurrying out of the shop before he could change his mind. Rufioh sat there, watching him leave with a clear impression of the guy he was on his way to see. He didn’t like him, not at all. 

“Son of a bitch,” Rufioh exclaimed to himself, holding his head in his hands. “God, Tav, I’m so sorry…”

The shop was finally quiet. Only the hum of the television mounted to the wall and the coffee pots made any sound until two firetrucks and one ambulance zoomed past in a blurry flash. The sirens wailed, forcing all on the roads to pull over if they wanted to live. They stopped for no one. Just as the sirens died down from distance, the television, running the same four episodes of _How I Met Your Mother_ , cut to an override signal featuring an anchorwoman from channel 11. 

“BREAKING NEWS! An apartment complex has spontaneously caught fire, killing an unidentified woman and injuring four others. Firefighters are working to control the flames. Police speculate the work of an arsonist. Officer Shelby deduces the premeditated murder of the unidentified woman, as her bedroom was where the origin of the fire was located. More at 11.”

The screen flashed with live images of firefighters combating walls of flame that slowly consumed an apartment building in what looked like Wicker Park. Fortunately, it looked like everyone was out of the building and safe except the woman they found burned to death beyond recognition. 

“Shit,” someone raised their brows, “whoever charred her ass really didn’t like her.”

“Overkill if you ask me,” another added their two cents. 

“Must’ve had a lot of pent up rage,” the barista commented, “poor girl.” 

Rufioh watched the screen but didn’t really care. Chicago was a fucked up place. No one was truly safe, but he hoped to go Tavros was. 

Tav was all but running down the street with tears in his eyes. He froze at a stoplight just when a train passed over his head. For a fleeting, breathless moment he thought about killing himself. It made sense. Gamzee didn’t love him. He used him for entertainment. Now that Tavros wasn’t as novice he wasn’t fun to hang around anymore. He wasn’t worth leading on, or cutting ties with; he wasn’t worth remembering all together. He didn’t even know Gamzee’s true personality. Tavros could walk off of the train platform. No one would stop him or try to help. That wasn’t how the people of this city operated. They would see him, they would look away, he would finally have some peace. 

But no.

He kept moving until he was slamming the buttons on the elevator panel in Gamzee’s apartment. He had to see him. He didn’t even bother trying to plan out what he was going to say. There was nothing _to_ say. But he knew he had to see him, even if Gamzee didn’t want to be in his life anymore. 

Rushing down the hall, Tavros was almost to the door. As he approached, he saw that it was already open.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright all of you need to step it up. [wubz](http://wubz-iii.tumblr.com/post/146694029141/have-you-ever-read-a-fanfic-so-good-you-instaantly) is officially my favorite child.
> 
> 5/30/17: so technically there are 5 more chapters of this fic but i just dont have the drive. do you guys even still want this? like... homestuck died and so did everyone in the fandom tbfh. if you read this and want the last chapters you can go [here](http://angstgods.tumblr.com/commission) to find out how to donate to my life via coffee that'll motivate me to finish this hot mess. maybe go and follow me while you're at it??????? no> okay, cool.

Standing outside Gamzee’s apartment would not hide the tense, warning feeling of anxiety that overwhelmed the hall with dark energy. Initially, Tavros thought the house might be empty, feeling the ghostly, hollow, breeze lazily ooze out from the opened front door. It was dark inside the house, and though it seemed abandoned by any living occupants, something was definitely lurking just around the corner. 

Tavros pushed open the door a touch and the hinges groaned in protest. Seeing into the house, Tav saw that all the curtains had been drawn, blacking out any light from the windows. Despite the liveliness of the city below, the house echoed with eerie quietness. But it wasn’t silent. He could hear the sound of his own heart beat bouncing off the walls just ahead of him. 

“Is anybody home?” Tavros called into the house from the corridor. There was no reply. Instead, the breeze carried a waft of a stinging, eye-watering bleach smell with it. He took a timid step inside, and closed the door behind him. 

“Hello?” he questioned the darkness.

Stepping into the hallway that connected the living room with the rest of the house, Tavros took care to make his approach as silent as possible. He fought to swallow a thick lump in his throat, repeating _there’s nothing to be afraid of_ in his head like a mantra. In his advance from the living room to the back of the house, Tavros didn’t notice the sticky patch of floorboards he stepped in. He also didn’t see that the stickiness lead to the body of a person that had been dragged from the front hall to the corner of the living room behind the couch. They were dumped there, lying in a heap with both eyes blackened and bleeding from the back of the head, nose, and cheek. 

Tavros avoided the sea of glass and broken picture frames that riddled the floor. He paused to gape at a seven inch hole in the wall, lined with blood and crumbling plaster. The door at the end of the corridor was torn clean off its hinges. The fear he’d been ignoring crept further and further to the surface until he was shuddering at what he might find. He had the feeling that he’d just walked into something he really shouldn’t have known about, and it was too late to simply turn around and leave. 

“...Gamzee…?” Tavros asked, his voice pitching as absolute terror coursed through his body. Hearing himself walk was making him jump and gasp. He could feel the presence of someone else, but he had yet to see any signs of life besides his own shaky panic. The further he ventured into the house, the worse the damage was. Then, something shifted in the corner of Tav’s vision, making a soft shuffling sound just out of sight. And then, a hushed bout of hissed laughter made all the hair on Tav’s head stand straight up. 

Gamzee’s room was so dark that Tavros couldn’t see two inches in front of his nose, but he stepped in anyway, compelled forward by the need to put the suspense to rest. He was suddenly sick to his stomach like he would vomit at any moment. He hugged his arms tight around his belly, hoping to hold it all in for just a second longer. 

“Gamzee? It’s me, Tavros. Are you in here?” 

Another wave of gravelly laughter sent a shudder down Tav’s spine. The longer he stood in the dark, the more details he could make out. The flutter of Tav’s ragged breathing broke the silence as he scanned the room for signs of movement. When he’d all but given up on this room, something shifted in the dark and an aura of dangerous size and fury made itself known. 

Gamzee sat in the far right corner of his bedroom on the floor, laughing quietly to himself. After a moment of wide-eyed, stunned silence, Tav’s eyes could make out the blood aspirated from Gamzee’s mouth, staining teeth bared by an ear-to-ear grin. The air smelled like gasoline and fire, but nothing nearby was burning. 

Tavros rushed to Gamzee’s side at the sight of blood. He called his name, but Gamzee didn’t react at all. He only laughed at whatever crossed his mind. Upon examination, Tavros discovered all the damage done to Gamzee’s hands. The first few layers of skin had been rubbed away at the tops of his knuckles. What remained was contused and torn; his fingers were singed at the ends. 

“Holy shit,” Tavros whispered in distress, putting aside the unsettled feeling that sank into the pit of his stomach. “Are you okay? What happened?” he asked in a panic. Gamzee didn’t respond with anything but hushed laughter, staring into space in a slap-happy daze. At a loss, Tavros dared to plant a hand on his shoulder. “Gamzee, can you hear me? Can you speak?” When that didn’t catch his attention, Tavros clasped onto both of Gamzee’s cheeks, forcing their eyes to meet and making Gamzee spit up more blood. He greeted Tavros with a vacant smile. 

“What did the homeless man get for Christmas?” 

Tavros narrowed his eyes, “What?”

Gamzee was already laughing by the time he managed to say, “fucking nothing.” A joke that really wasn’t that funny split his sides. He quickly thought of another one. “Why did the chicken commit suicide?”

“Gamzee.” The morbidity of the question put a sour taste in Tav’s mouth; he found Gamzee’s eerie cheerfulness greatly disturbing. 

“To get to the other side,” Gamzee answered with a puff of laughter, his voice lowering octave after octave until the malice his tone put off couldn’t be accidental. “What’s a vampire’s favorite dessert?”

“Vampires aren’t real.” 

“You knew that one?” Gamzee seemed impressed. Tavros put on a brave face, cleaning a lot of the blood oozing out from Gamzee’s teeth with a thumb. He needed Gamzee to focus if he was ever going to figure out what happened, never mind how he was going to go about trying to fix it, all suspiciousness aside. 

“Gamzee, you’re hurt,” he told him, “Can you tell me what happened?” Gamzee’s focus softened and glazed over. Come to think of it, he did blink much slower than he usually did, which was already slow and creepy enough. “Do you have a concussion?” Tavros pleaded for an answer, careful not to make it worse if Gamzee was concussed. He was too big for Tavros to carry, and he didn’t want to leave him alone to go find help. “Where’s Kurloz? Do you think he can help us?” Gamzee only laughed in that same, maniacal tone. He shook his head nonchalantly, and actually spoke with come coherence. 

“If you don’t get out of here,” he said, eyes rolling over to see Tav’s face, “you’re gonna have a bad time.” Gamzee’s grin stretched even wider at the shock that overtook Tav’s face. He whispered some inaudible exclamation of sheer disbelief, and Gamzee could only snicker at the tears threatening to pour from Tav’s eyes. “You think you can escape,” he said cryptically, “but you better get out of here before she finds you.”

“She…?”

Mindfang. She was still in control and she wasn’t even here. Gamzee was hurt, bleeding from his hands and mouth and Mindfang wasn’t here for him, but Tavros was. He was concerned, he wanted to get him the attention he deserved. People don’t just cough up blood. If something was ruptured internally, Gamzee could be in even more trouble than he seemed. Then there was the matter of who did this to him. Mindfang wasn’t here. Tavros was. But for some reason, Mindfang still won, and Tav had had enough. 

“Say it to my face,” he demanded. Gamzee blinked his eyes back into focus, looking in Tav’s general direction. “You heard me,” Tav pressed, “say it to my face.” It was clear that Gamzee didn’t understand what Tav was referring to, but he picked up on the sudden anger Tav was letting off. The frustration only built the longer it took for Gamzee to respond. Then it came to him. 

“You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you can’t rob a bank. That’s a felony.” Gamzee found his own joke absolutely hysterical, adding between fits of quieted laughter one more comparison. “Y’know what else is a felony? Murder!” 

“Gamz--” 

Lunging forward, Gamzee wrapped two hands around Tav’s throat, sending him rocketing backward into the wall with a thud that knocked the wind from his lungs. The blind goofiness fell into a disgusted sneer on Gamzee’s face. Pushing him against the wall, Gamzee brought him up to his eye level. Tavros struggled weakly, clawing at his throat and holding back heavy tears. The terror he’d briefly forgotten flooded back to him. He was at least a foot off the ground, suspended by his neck. 

Transfixed by tears trembling on the cusp of being shed, Gamzee pulled Tavros off the wall and quickly slammed him back into it, jarring those tears loose and watching them slip down his cheeks. The sudden flash of anger mellowed out into an eerie calm that smoothed all the lines made by his almost feral snarling. 

“It doesn’t have to be this way,” Tavros begged, the edges of his words snipped away by the tight grip crushing his windpipe. Though he could feel it constricting even tighter, he knew that Gamzee was somewhere inside all this ruthlessness. He had to reach him. “I don’t want to be scared of you, Gamzee. Everyone is scared of you--” 

His windpipe closed completely. Gamzee merely watched as Tavros struggled to breathe. His vision went erratic like TV snow. Light-headedness made his eyes roll back. Just when he thought he’d pass out, he was allowed to breathe, almost like Gamzee was playing with him. And now, Rufioh didn’t seem so crazy for being paranoid. 

Tavros couldn’t hold back the sobs that poured out of him. He couldn’t bare the thought of losing the Gamzee he’d once known, but it seemed like he had been right all along. The happy-go-lucky attitude that Tavros found comfort in was nothing more than a fever dream. This was the real Gamzee, and he was cold and relentless. He’d caught glimpses of his unbridled rage before, had been pushed around and threatened, but nothing could’ve prepared him for this. Even if Gamzee didn’t remember their happier times, one thing was clear. 

“You don’t want me…” 

Something inside Gamzee faltered, breaking through to the surface. He realized what he was doing. He could feel the weight of Tav’s body sinking with gravity and the loss of will to fight it. He loosened his grip, and Tavros dropped to the floor, landing on his feet. He staggered back, falling against the wall as he tried to get his breath back, but it was leaving him in heartbroken sobs faster than it could replenish his oxygen levels. 

A quietness hollowed out the bedroom, only light, frantic gasping disturbed it. Mortified, Tavros worked to calm himself down, but once he started he couldn’t stop. All of his seams came undone and he was quickly beside himself, eyes pouring. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Gamzee try to reach for him, immediately shrieking _don’t touch me!_ and swatting the air a few feet in front of him. Unperturbed, a silent, slow-moving Gamzee closed in. Tav’s hands flew up to protect the top of his head, but no blows were delivered. Tavros shrunk, curling into himself for protection as he was encouraged into an encompassing embrace. 

“Please don’t cry…” Gamzee buried his nose in Tav’s hair. “Don’t cry. I get sad when you cry.” 

Vague fragments of past memories flashed across his mind’s eye, and seeing them only encouraged more shuddering sobs to leave him. There it was, your life really does flash before your eyes. Tavros realized in that moment that he really could’ve died just seconds ago. Gamzee tried to kill him out of nowhere. 

“What the fuck is going on?” Tavros demanded to know, voice dropping in concern. “What’s happening to you, Gamzee? What is she doing to you?” 

“It doesn’t matter--” 

“Bullshit!” Tavros squirmed in Gamzee’s arms in a vain attempt in breaking free so he could throw an unhindered temper tantrum at such a bold avoidance of the truth. “It doesn’t matter?” he repeated. “How could you say that? Look at you! Look at _me!_ ” 

With a sudden stroke of clarity, Gamzee truly saw the effect he’d had on Tavros for the first time. He never really saw Tavros at all before now, he just assumed that he looked the same as he had that night at the House of Blues with big brown eyes and shy, stammered words. Tavros was exhausted now, with deep, purple bags under his eyes. He was much more fidgety than he was before. And now, he had long black bruises blooming in rings around his neck. 

“I don’t even know who you are anymore,” Tavros deadpanned, “not while Mindfang is ordering you around.” 

With just the smallest advance, Tavros nearly jumped out of his skin, eyes snapping shut to save himself from watching Gamzee get angry again. But Gamzee’s truest self felt such strong waves of guilt for even letting Tavros see him like this. With tentative, feather-light prodding at the bruises lining his neck, Tavros let out a frightened whimper, tensing up to prepare for the hit. The pad of Gamzee’s thumb cleared away the tears that gathered at the corners of those screwed shut eyes. 

“Hey,” Gamzee whispered. “Look at me,” he added when Tavros showed no signs of reaction. Tavros reluctantly obeyed, opening watery eyes, and there he was, the Gamzee he met all those months ago. He wore the same sad smile lined with the hope of somehow making it all better again. 

Tavros fought against a nervous breakdown. It was so hard to believe in Gamzee’s kindness, but the longer he stared, scrutinizing the peacefulness that overcame Gamzee’s rage, the more he could let go of that fear. And he never wanted to go back there again. 

“What’s happening? What are you doing that makes you so… so--”

Gamzee hushed him, feeling Tav’s cheeks heat up under his fingertips. “I can’t up and tell you,” he replied, Tav’s face fell, “but I promise it’s over. I’m done with that.” Something about his quiet optimism made Tavros believe him. The worst was over. 

“But what about… _her?_ ” he had to ask, half-covering his spite for all things involving her. Gamzee’s smile did sink, but never fully disappeared. 

“Mindfang isn’t the boss of me,” he affirmed, “not anymore.” Gamzee could tell that Tavros needed some convincing. He wouldn’t come out with it, making it seem like it was okay, but he’d never seen Tavros so adamantly against another person’s existence in his life. Though he was barely a shadow of his former health, Tavros was still just as he used to be and it made Gamzee smile. “I missed you,” he said, catching Tavros off guard. His eyes went wide and surprised, taking in the honest smile Gamzee wore that confirmed the truth. 

“Oh. I…”His cheeks turned bright red. “I-I missed you too…” 

Rufioh would be disappointed in him. He would remind him that he’s been here before and it never turns out well, no matter how many chances Tavros doles out. But it was too late. The loneliness that had been following Tavros like a storm cloud was finally dissipating. Gamzee, in what appeared to be his former glory, stooped to claim his lips, and Tavros let him.

* * *

The soft click of knife-thin heels echoed through the living room and down the hall. Firm, confident steps carried swinging hips and a bad attitude across the room, stopping to stand in a pool of blood staining the floorboards beside the body slumped onto the floor behind the couch. Though the damage was severe, he still breathed slow, shallow breaths. Fortunately, a patchy complexion was easily identifiable under layers of drying blood. Given the size of this one, it must’ve been Kurloz. He’d lost a fight for the first time in eight years. 

“You aren’t finished. This one’s still breathing.” 

Full, pouting lips turned down into a disgusted frown, scorning Kurloz for staining her shoes. Carelessness seemed to run in the family. With a spiteful glare, she turned and left him to rot just a little while longer, sauntering down the hall to the bedroom on the end. 

Even before she could see into the room, her eyes narrowed in disgust. She could sense the interference coming between her and her planned future. She approached silently, closing in to stand in the open doorway, arms crossed and unamused. She discovered exactly what she’d expected to find if she left him unattended for even a second: Gamzee was sitting on the end of his bed with Tavros Nitram in his arms, snogging the day away. 

“Gamzee,” she snapped, stealing his attention. Breaking apart with a quiet smack, two pairs of eyes locked onto her, shocked and silent. Tavros looked back and forth between Gamzee and the object of his focus, somehow confused at what had come between them. 

The corners of her lips turned upward. “What are you waiting for?” she questioned. Gamzee said nothing. Both stared dead ahead, caught like deer in headlights awaiting their fate. The smirk on her face faded away. The emerald glint in her eyes took on a profound darkness. She growled through clenched teeth, glaring hard at a defenseless and vulnerable Tavros. “Rip him to shreds,” she commanded, “you know you want to.” 

Tavros looked back and forth between Gamzee’s transfixion and an empty doorway. Gamzee stared in such absolute rapture at nothing at all, but his concentration never wavered. 

“Gamzee?” Try as he might, Tavros couldn’t break that focus with words alone. Gamzee had gone foggy and serene again and this was when he was at his least attentive. A gentle hand brought his eyes back to him, and Gamzee didn’t resist being pulled away from the threshold between the hall and his room. “Hey,” Tav whispered, “what’s wrong?” Gamzee was still and silent, like his consciousness had receded into himself. 

_Rip him to shreds. You know you want to._

“Gamzee.” Tav was starting to worry, unable to come up with a reason as to why Gamzee would freeze up like this. “What’s going through your mind? What did you see?” Tav was met with a blank stare; Gamzee didn’t even blink and it was making him nervous. “Whatever’s going on, let me help you!” he pleaded. “You have to tell me what’s wrong!”

The reference in Gamzee’s mind for Tavros and everything he meant to him evaporated with the boiling urge to destroy building up deep within. He wasn’t important. He wasn’t even a human being. All he was was in the way. He wasn’t even sure what _the way_ was anymore. 

“No one can help me,” Gamzee replied in a robotic monotone, just before the dams burst, “and no one can save you.” 

Tavros was flipped onto his back, pressed into the bed into a none too loving way. His heartbeat picked up, spreading panicked adrenaline through his limbs, telling him to struggle when he wasn’t even sure what was happening. But the calm at the surface of Gamzee’s expression broke into torrents of wild, frenzied vengeance. Tavros was forced to look into unnaturally blue eyes that stared at him like a ravenous dog with a taste for blood. 

Fragments of Gamzee’s name bubbled up in Tav’s throat as a hand pinned him tight to the bed. He couldn’t move, and the panic made his lungs flutter. Soon he was shrieking in ardant protest, kicking his legs for dear freedom, but that only drew attention away from his face and to either of his knees. This gave Gamzee an idea. 

With his free hand and ruthless abandon, Gamzee seized Tav’s right leg in a vice-like grip and all the color drained from Tav’s face. He was hyperventilating, trying desperately to get something out that would change Gamzee’s mind. He clawed at the edge of the bed, resisting the tugging at his leg that threatened to pull it completely out of its socket. 

“S-Stop! Stop! Please!” Terrified sobs broke the thick silence that enveloped the entire apartment. But Tav’s throat ran dry as a splitting, maniacal grin spread across Gamzee’s face.

With a sickening crack that rang out through the house, Gamzee snapped Tav’s leg like a twig, hyperextending his knee until the bone shattered under the pressure. Tavros watched in absolute horror as the sole of his shoe kissed the side of his hip. 

Tavros loosed an instinctual, animalistic scream of pure, primal agony. 

Gamzee kept twisting the leg around and around, listening to the grind of bones that weren’t meant to meet. Tav’s kneecap had turned to gravel, tearing up the muscles and veins that lived beside it. The edges of his vision turned a deep red, then faded to a black vignette. His eyes flooded with tears but nothing could obstruct his view of those frozen, merciless eyes. 

Gamzee smiled at the pain that wracked Tav’s body. He was going into convulsions and Gamzee was hysterical. He repeated the process on his victim’s remaining leg, reveling in the way Tav begged for an end. He squirmed and writhed but couldn’t get away. Before long, both of his knees were pulverised beyond repair. The pain had faded to a dull throb as his brain numbed itself from further trauma. 

Tavros was on the edge of passing out, looking up at Gamzee with swimming eyes. When Gamzee moved his grip to both of his elbows, Tavros let out a pitiful whine. Both of his legs were turned out in painful directions. The area where his knees used to be rapidly went bright red, then descended to a dark purple. When Tavros thought Gamzee would break his arms too, he squeezed his eyes shut and prepared for more waves of unimaginable pain that made his heart skip a beat. But Gamzee waited until he least expected it. He was playing with him, gauging how he’d get the biggest reactions he could before he inevitably snuffed out what was left of Tav’s willpower. 

“Please…” Tavros begged with the last of his voice ragged and torn, “just get it over with.” 

With every tired beat of his heart the bigger the bruises at his knees and throat became. There was no more blood or moisture left in his body. So he didn’t cry, he swallowed the blood that collected at the back of his throat from shredding up his vocal chords, and waited for the world to fade to black. Then, hopefully, the pain would stop. 

Something, some sound of the floor settling in another room stole Gamzee’s attention for a lifesaving moment. Torn between dealing with Tavros and the need to investigate the settling sound, Gamzee flicked his eyes back and forth between the door and the black hand-shaped contusions around Tav’s neck. He watched Tav’s chest rise and fall with light, shallow breaths. He could barely keep his eyes open, looking up at the ceiling through his lashes. 

The shuffling turned into something heavy standing up, supporting its weight against the wall. Gamzee stood from the bed, taking care to loom over a bent and broken Tavros clinging to consciousness and sprawled across the bed. He looked so helpless, unable to suppress the shockwaves of pain that made him twitch and shudder. Just a tiny pin prick at his knees would unleash fountains of blood that had been pooling there for the last fifteen minutes. Heavy footsteps approached the bedroom, and Tav’s eyes widened as much as he could force them to, displaying the fear of what might happen. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” Gamzee hissed over his shoulder, squaring his feet and preparing for the inevitable face off between he and whoever was about to round the corner. But Tavros wouldn’t see who it was, who would find him lying there in a twisted heap. Exhaustion finally overpowered him, and everything faded to black.

**Author's Note:**

> follow my tumblr? angstgods.tumblr.com


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